Hi. I am new to this whole "lesbian" stuff. In the past, I've only been with two guys. I lost my virginity when I was in my second relationship. When I was younger, I kissed a few of my (girl) friends. I really liked it and at that time I didn't know what "lesbian" or "gay" meant. As I headed towards junior high, my dad's sister, whose like five years older than me, used to call me a "lesbo" and such. I remember that I would get mad and tell her to stop calling me that. I've never gotten along with boys. I always liked being with girls because it made me feel comfortable. Anyways, as I grew up, not only did I have an attraction towards guys, but for girls as well. For guys, I would find myself admiring how handsome and cute they looked, but never for who they were deep inside. Personally because I don't like the way most guys are nowadays. For girls, I never really imagined about having a relationship or sexual encounter with a girl. Of course, I would find most girls really attractive , sexy, or pretty, but I'd also admire them for how beautiful they are deep down inside. Sometimes, I found myself checking out girls and in my head I would be confused. Pretty much I used to consider myself "straight but bi-curious" even though, I was never open about my attraction towards girls. Last month, I ran into a girl that I met my freshman year (I am currently a junior) Well, I ended up having a crush on her. I felt nervous talking to her, and whenever I talked to her, I would get this intense warm feeling in my stomach. I acted so wierd to the point where I would be staring at her and I constantly smiled. It was unusual for me because I never acted this way. So by the way she acted and expressed herself, I believed she liked me. Obviously...She really did! We are now in a relationship and I've just grown so attached to her. As for my sexuality, I really don't believe in labels, but I don't care what people call me. But yeah, I'm a lesbian, because I love this girl. I haven't opened up to my family, and the first time they saw her, they didn't like her and they said really mean things about her. It got me really furious and upset because that made me feel like they would never accept me if I told them I was in love with her. As for my so-called friends (actually I have no friends at all) they just can't believe it. "Oh I never knew you rolled that way," like really? I am fairly reserved person so I am not so open about myself. But....I just don't know what to do anymore. At one point I'm happy with this girl, then later on I'm upset, scared, and crying my eyes out. I love spending every second with her. I love seeing her happy because thats my happiness. I love the way she looks at me. I love every single thing about her. I just love her for who she is. I know she's my first girlfriend, but I am so scared of losing her. I don't want to end up hurting her, because it'll kill me. I've just fallen so hard. I know it because I've never felt this way before. I have never felt love, like I do for her. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't have taken things so quick and serious because it has changed me alot. I care for her so much. I worry over her. I am serious when I talk to her. I cry for her. I do anything for her. I make some risky choices, just to be with her. My babe told me that people have told her to be "careful" and to be "scared" because I am new to this stuff, and that I could mess up. It just pisses me off because they shouldn't be nosy in the first place, and anyways does it really bother them? At this point, what is really killing me is I keep thinking she is giving up on me, and that she may be pushing me away. She has confessed to me that she doubts what I feel for her and that shes scared that I might leave her because she thinks shes not enough for me, that she hopes I find the perfect guy who will give me everything that I want. I am scared, but I really try to look on the brightside. Honestly I don't want anybody else and I am not looking for anyone else, because I already have her. I just really want to be with her. I careless what the world has to say. I love her and I want to spend every happy moment with her.
This just look so like my story... (except the part that end up with the girl) I dont know if i'm the best person to say anything about (i sure ain't), but you pass for so many things that did that I can't resiste. First of all: you love her. This is the only thing that matter. Fight for her. Maybe I'm being just too romantic, but it's what I should do if i was in your spot. Talk with her, say what are you thinking (and this can include what you are passing for), if she really love you back she will understand. If she isnt new on it, this means that she pass for everything you are just now. She will understand. The sencond thing: you said that when your friends figure out that you're in love with another girl they depart. But I can say one thing for: if they did it, they aren't your friends since the beginning. when I figure out that I was lesbian I was so afraid about what people will think about it, or how my friends would react that I get in panic. i needed two years to realy say it to someone that I knew, cuz I realy select that person, this one (straight) accept me for who I'm, and this made me so happy. but I know any other person that now I call by friend will depart, just when the discover. Anyway.. What I want to mean is.. No matter how much "friends" do you lost, in some point you will find someone to accept you, for who you really are. And I can tell you one thing: this person will be better than all this "friends" that you lost. Well I think it's all I can say for you. Don't be sad. You look like a really nice girl. And sorry for can't say nothing about your family problem... My family it's a kind of complicated, so I do need help with it too (^_^') *and now i will be here just being a little jealous of you and your relationship*
It feels good to know that I'm not the only one going through stuff. Thank you so much I will fight for my girl <3
