Okay, so I've felt I really need to post about this somewhere. (Sorry in advanced for the long post.) I'm a female, 18 years old, and ever since middle school I would now and then get little "girl crushes" but I read these were perfectly normal, so I pushed it aside. As I entered high school, I remember I played a game at my birthday party of all girls that had a lot of dares, often stuff like kissing for a period of time and such. I figured it was all in good, silly fun. Didn't really know why I wanted to do something like this, and tried not to think much into it. (Although I did feel a little uncomfortable with the fact that I realized I was very happy I got dared to make-out with a specific girl.) Anyway, life went on. I have been had a couple boyfriends, two serious relationships. By serious, I suppose I mean long-lasting relationships where I consider me to be in love with the guy. One lasted just over two years, and the other I'm actually...still in. We're at 2 years and 3 months. And I do know I that I definitely love him. I do. And this is why I'm here. Because, though I do love him, I wonder about a lot... For example, I've known him since I was 12. He liked me long before I liked him, and we've talked a LOT and I came to know his personality. And that is what I love. I love who he is, and how I feel with him. However, there really isn't any physical attraction. I mean, I like his smile a lot...but that's about it. However, it's not just him. It's ALL guys. I just don't find guys physically attractive at all, really. Some guys, like movie stars and models, I can look at them and recognize they are attractive, but in a kind of "That's what someone is supposed to consider attractive" and I know this buy how other girls react to certain types. But I, personally, am not attracted to these people. I've become increasingly aware the past 3 years or so that I may have a physical attraction to girls. Within a year or more, I've realized it's absolutely undeniable, and that I'm EXTREMELY physically attracted to girls. To be straight-forward, it's even to the point I have difficulty thinking of my boyfriend while masturbating...or at least finishing the job that way. I end up starting out or switching to thinking about girls all the time now. And I feel bad, because I'm in love with him, but in that physical-area, he just doesn't do it for me. Me and him have never had sex (I'm still a virgin) but we've become more physical and I somewhat recently gave my first blow job. So it's not like nothing is happening, but, to be honest, I am not that into it sometimes? I don't dislike it, and it can be fun sometimes for sure, but I feel like I am turning him down for physical stuff too much lately and am just not interested in it. Really, I'm questioning if I could ever enjoy sex with him, when we reached that point? Or even, if part of why I haven't reached that point (of feeling ready), is because deep down I'm not interested in doing it with him at all? It seems it'd be painful, and penises are kind of gross, and if I can't masturbate thinking of him, I wonder how a first time (which I hear regardless aren't usually that great) especially would be with him...and would it ever really get better if I was having trouble getting into it? I'm scared of starting it, with the possibility that no matter how much we try, I don't really enjoy it. Like...what then? I feel more and more aware of how interested I am in girls constantly, and though I really and truly love him, I even find myself almost hoping we'd fight and have a short break up so I could have a chance to experiment, but go back to him. It's a really complicated feeling, because we really match perfectly. In our time together, we have never fought. Literally, never. We never run out of things to talk about. And he makes me so happy. We want the same things out of life, and I could really see him being a perfect husband for me. Of course, this is far into the future and I don't EXPECT it, but I think it's a possibility, and so the relationship isn't something I just want to throw away. But, do you all think sex could ever feel right for him, considering my stance on men and women? Do you think it's okay to have such strong attraction towards women, and stay with him, yet unable to even masturbate well while thinking of him? I wonder what being with a women would be like so much...i'm pretty dang positive I'd like it. Do you think it'd cause problems for me to ignore my feelings towards women and stay with him (guys in general) or do you think it will just grow and cause problems for me later on? I guess I am not even 100% sure on what I'm asking, I just need opinions on my situation and what you all would do in my shoes. :/
"I could really see him being a perfect husband for me" Except he's a guy. Also, it's worth considering how happy he would be never having sex, because if you REALLY don't want it, nobody is going to enjoy it.
Exactly. And I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has felt the way I'm describing? Because I don't know if I never want to have sex with a guy. I've never had sex before with anyone, so feeling it and feeling nervous is natural, right? I mean, I may just not be ready... (meaning, when I am, I may be perfectly willing and happy to have sex with him. I'm still young, so I don't completely understand where I stand with physical stuff, I think...I may come to like it more and enjoy it, even if I prefer girls physically. That's what I've always assumed.) But I fear it could be more. Has anyone else ever felt the way i'm describing or been in a similar situation before realizing they just wanted to be with girls or would never get interested in having sex with a guy? It's really bothering me, as I know I really am in love with him. He is such a great guy and everything feels so right being with him and talking and cuddling and talking about our problems and our accomplishments and joking around and just it's all so great. But I'm worried I won't ever feel right physically because deep down, maybe I am just meant to be with a girl and won't feel completely right physically otherwise? Like, he's the exception? Like, I dunno if I can see myself liking another guy ever at the point i'm at, if we did break up i don't think I'd ever go for another guy because i'm completely uninterested really. So can being with him be right? Whether he's some kind of exception, or I just have a way stronger preference for girls... Anyone been in this sort of situation? Do you think it's possible I am just not ready for sex regardless of gender? (I mean, I know I prefer the female body, but it might not mean I necessarily won't be happy with sex with him when I'm ready.) Do you think, if that were the case, someone in my situation could feel completely happy if a relationship lasted, never having experienced what being with a girl might be like? Dunno if this matters, but I've always been slow as far as physical and sexual stuff. I didn't even quite get what a blowjob was until I was 14 or 15 aha. Learned about sex in like 8th grade, and to be honest, I didn't completely get it. And I've been slow about getting physical with guys (current boyfriend and last) and with my last boyfriend, despite dating a bit over two years, he never got passed going under my bra. (No below-the-waist action, no times when my shirt and bra were off, etc.) So, even if I've come to realize I prefer girls, I am wondering if I could still be happy with mine and his physical relationship in time, and it's just that i'm still kinda weird about a physical stuff in general. (Also keep in mind, it's not as if I am completely uninterested in it. Sometimes fooling around with him can be really fun. I just am definitely not interested in it as much as he is and could rather cuddle and talk...but guys generally are more into that stuff than girls, right? I guess the biggest thing that makes me question things in the fact I really just fantasize about girls so, even if I'm happy with him, I wonder if it will really be okay if I never even know how i'd feel with a girl? Opinions?
Hi there, I have known of girls around my age (18) who haven't wanted to have sex with their boyfriends (I've been the boyfriend), and whether this is something about not being ready or a lack of attraction I don't know, but I would suggest that it's definitely not unheard of for girls our age to not want to have sex for one reason or another, so you're not alone. Obviously I'm a guy so I can only tell you so much.... but that's what I've heard. I'd always been told emotional love was based on sexual desire, but obviously you've found that's not the truth - interesting food for thought hahah.
Thanks for the reply ^_^ Yeah, I definitely think you can love someone on an emotional level with having little to no sexual attraction to them xD I suppose, since before recently I never fully accepted/understood my attraction to girls, it's never seemed weird to me that i have this lack of interest in his physical appearance or our relationship on a sexual level. But it could be how I'd feel regardless, with anyone. I guess I'm just so worried that I'm trying to make something work when, physically, i'm only going to ever want a girl, or something. I suppose no one can really be sure but me, though. ^^; So I guess it's just something I'll have to wait on and think on and see how I feel in time. (As far as if I feel more into physical stuff with him, and/or if I feel more and more like I want to be with a girl, physically.) I wish this sort of stuff could just have clear answers xD
Perhaps you should say you're nervous but you want to get more physical, and then go slowly with what's comfortable, if anything. You'll work it all out soon enough
Well, we have done a lot, actually. Just not sex. It's the farthest i've been with anyone. And it is fun sometimes, but I feel like too much of the time, I'm not as into it as I should be? It's like very certain circumstances gotta come up for me to get into it properly. And I've come to realize that, at least physically, I'd prefer a girl. So I guess I worry that, despite loving him, maybe I'm missing something I truly want by not being with a girl. But since I am in love with him and we've been together a while, it's not like I wanna just throw it away and find out. I just guess I fear us going on like this forever and me always wondering and feeling less and less right, but that point... I dunno, maybe I think about it too much. I am still young, after all.
Being in love... without sexual attraction, is friendship. Yes, it is love...loving friendship. That's wonderful that you've found that... but it's not man and wife love. I would really worry that carrying beyond the kind of intimate friendship you have now would be setting yourself up for a situation I've seen here on EC a lot. A woman, married for 15 or 20 years--can't respond sexually anymore, torn with guilt, wanting to be out but afraid of hurting her husband... or how to explain to the kids. Men too. If you read posts around EC, you'll meet them. You make it perfectly clear that you are sexually attracted to women. Strongly attracted. Listen to your fantasy life--which never lies. It doesn't spin webs of excuses and maybes and rationalizations. It just answers to what your body and heart really desire--and if that fantasy life is about women, what is it saying? If not, that what you want is to love and be loved by a woman? I've been on the other side... the one who could not provide the kind of sexual love my wives wanted and deserved (there were two tries, two failures). I didn't understand why. They didn't undersand way. It was miserable--but I stayed married 8 plus years each time because there was a child each time. I don't know what you really want--only you can know that. But I know that if you don't listen to your deepest desires, the ones that take over fantasy and dream, you will be heading down a very rough and difficult road. Your heart knows the truth. YOU know, if you don't talk yourself into making you over into what you've been brought up to think you were supposed to be. From an old man who made all the mistakes I've been talking about!
Thank you so much for your reply. I guess I'm not completely sure how I feel about what you said, but i'm glad you said it, because everything you said is definitely something I need to think about. But, how can you be sure it's friendship love, not romantic love, just because it's missing sexual attraction? It's not like i'm turned off by him, i'm just not....i dunno, anything. I guess I see what you're saying and you may be right, but the reason I wonder is because my best friend is a girl and I've known her since 5th grade and we've been so close and I love her so much, but it's very obviously just as a friend. I don't love anyone as much as i love her, but it's not even in the slightest bit romantic. However, though my boyfriend is a very different kind of love. I dunno how to explain it really, but it feels completely different. Like, my love for my best friend seems more similar to love for family, while my love for him is like this need to be with him and cuddle and i dunno...i can't really explain it. I'd like to say now, what replying to this has made me realize, is I do really like kissing my boyfriend a lot. So though I am not so much physically attracted to the male body, there must be some sexual attraction or something there, right? Though beyond this I'm a bit uninterested, in may be my age and shy nature...but I am aware in replying to this that I really like kissing him. So there's something there. If possible, could you let me know if your opinion still stands in reading this reply? You've left a really logical and useful and informative post and I needed that. So after considering what you had to say and realizing and thinking a bit, i'd like to know if you have anything else to say based on my reply?
"What am I..." well, you answered that one yourself, as a matter of fact, in a few different ways. Let's see if my summarizing for you brings it home. First, you're just you. You supplied that answer when you created your user profile here. And frankly, I think it's one of the most honest usernames I've seen online. Why do you need to further define that? You'd only limit yourself. Second, you're young and inexperienced. Lucky you! Oh what some of us wouldn't give to be in your shoes right now. That's okay, embrace it! A lifetime of new experiences awaits you! All those fabulous firsts! What a wonderful point to be cresting. You're also a young lady who knows what she likes. You obviously like the female form, you like to fantasize about women, you'd like to be with a girl physically. Now let me ask you, when you say physically, do you mean sexually or do you mean cuddling, kissing, petting? You try rationalizing that you may just not be ready to be more physically intimate with your bf, but could you imagine being more physically intimate with a girl than you are currently with him? Does that idea make you want to try it or does it make you feel like - "hm, maybe someday that would be nice, but right now, I'm not ready"? (These are rhetorical questions by the way - no one on EC needs to hear your answers except you - unless you feel the need to discuss them.) Cause frankly, I would argue that if you're ready for that level of intimacy with a girl, then your hesitance with him has very little to do with whether you're ready or not. You also know who you love - BUT, I strongly suspect you don't yet know much about all the possible permutations of love and may very well be misinterpreting those feelings you experience for your fine young man. I think DesertTortoise (who happens to be your EC Guardian Angel, btw) offered you a fair assessment. There are so very many different kinds of love, but it does not sound like what you feel for your bf is the kind of romantic, soul-bond love that could withstand a lifetime of marriage, parenting, and the kinds of trials and tribulations that married couples inevitably face. I've been married for 21 years. I've known for more than 20 years that it was a terrible mistake. I've lost track of how long I've been miserable in the marriage. I love my husband - after all we've been through together, even though I no longer like him much, I do still love and care about him. The best way I can describe it is that I love him (and hate him) like a brother. You may have a different kind of love for your bf, maybe like a love of a best friend. Have you ever had a girl friend that you can talk to about anything, that you can cuddle up with to watch a movie, that you care for deeply? Does what you feel for your bf differ significantly from this? Where should you go from here? You should explore, you should attempt to indulge your fantasies and see where they take you. You should take some time to get to know yourself, outside of relationships with others and see where that self-knowledge leads you. If you are honest with your bf, let him know that you love, respect, appreciate him but that you need time to find who you are, you may yet be able to leave that bridge in tact. Maybe someday you'll be ready to cross it with him and be together, knowing with certainty that it is right for you, maybe someday you'll invite him in as a different part of your life on the other side. I truly believe if you treat people with honesty and integrity, they will always remain open to you. But first you need to determine at what level that should be with him. You asked a question in your second post to this thread. My honest answer is no. I finally got up the guts to tell my husband that this summer, when he asked if I thought we could EVER find happiness together. After trying to hope and pretend for far, far, far too long, I was finally honest with us both, the answer was NO. I don't want to take over your thread with my whole life story, this one belongs to yours, but if you'd like to hear it from the perspective of someone who took the gamble you posed, drop a note on my wall, and I'll share it in a message with you. The point is, if there's a want in you, a want that is already so strong and desperate, why would ever consider settling for something you don't really want at all? You'll be doing yourself and him a terrible disservice. Why would you do that to either of you? ---------- Post added 14th Oct 2013 at 06:58 PM ---------- You must have been writing this as I was writing to you. You asked DT, but I'll give you my view as well. Another question for you. Have you ever kissed that best friend the way you kiss your boyfriend? You may very well just REALLY like kissing. I know I'm not nor have I ever been sexually attracted to my husband (which has caused no shortage of problems for us over the years) but when we have kissed, I was still quite capable of very much enjoying it. Kissing is, in general, very enjoyable. Probably why so many people like doing it!! (even with people they'd never consider spending their life with)
Desert tortoise knows what he is talking about. Maybe you are attracted to your boyfriend, but all of your other statements say that you are strongly attracted to females. Don't close off that part of yourself, or you would surely regret it. Just keep open to he possibility that you are a lesbian. You and your bf will be much happier if you are able to be true to yourself.
p.s. There's another good thread currently on here, that I think you could benefit from reading. It's generated some very good responses to someone similar to yourself, but further down that road. You might want to check it out... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/112020-miserably-scared-take-risk.html
Thank you so much to all of you for the answers, opinions, and especially the questions as I feel they are really what I needed, and are what will help me the most in realizing what I really want and what I want to do. And thank you SO much Dragonbait for also sharing some of your personal experience. That's really really useful. I don't have much to say except thanks so much to everyone who posted here and helped me out, and also left me with a lot to think about and discover. I plan to do just that
You asked .. what I thought still stood of what I wrote--after reading and considering what you wrote. What stands for me... is that our fantasies never lie. The words in our head almost never tell the truth. Follow what you know from dream and fantasy? Or follow the word stream in you head?
Yeah, I know how you feel. I mean I find my bf physically attractive, kind of objectively and I have no problem with sex or anything and know I really love him but I find women more physically attractive. and I only fantasize about women. I don't have an answer for you, all I know is that I'm in the same situation. you're not alone
