What am I?

Hi

I am trying to understand my sexuality and reading other people's stories online makes me even more anxious and depressed and unsure of it. So I decided to post my own story and I would appreciate it if you would please comment and help me out.

Before I say anything else, I should say I go through periods of severe anxiety and depression that makes me question things I'd not have questioned otherwise. I worry about my health, my academic ability, etc and I question a good deal of my views on many issues (e.g. politics). Not in the way a normal person would, it's quite crippling and time consuming (I should be studying for uni but instead I'm obsessing about whether I'm a repressed homosexual). But if I don't do it, I am gonna be thinking about it all day. So I will just type as much as I can about my history and sexuality (I'll try not to be graphic)

I am 25 (male) and a virgin. I am also fat and enormously self-conscious of my chest which I think makes me feminine and deeply unattractive. That is why I think I am still a virgin and it plays (and has played), I think, a very serious role in my attractions and my self-image.

Right now, if I think myself being with anyone of either sex, I get turned off and repulsed. I know several girls in real life I think are attractive and I'd normally fantasise about them but if I think myself with them, I believe they'd be repulsed by me (which is true, I am not saying this because I am depressed, I am objectively speaking disgusting) and I don't think I would be capable of giving them any pleasure.

But thinking about a girl will still somewhat turn me on if I am not involved. The problem is I had always thought of girls like that - me and them. Whenever I was thinking of a girl, I was involving myself even though I was thinking about her alone. And now, these two thoughts (me and a girl) are so closely interlinked that I have to try very hard to disassociate myself and I can't do it completely. Same with porn or girls I see in real life.

As far as I am concerned, that's a relatively recent thing - I think it started 3 years ago when I realised how disgusting I have become and how there's no way a girl will be attracted to me or get pleasure from me (again I really don't think this is because of my mental state).

Now on to guy stuff. Before I felt this way, my fantasies were almost exclusively about girls and I very rarely thought of boys sexually but it had happened. I don't think I ever had a crush on a guy though I'm sure I had crushes on several girls.

I had a weird experience with a boy when we were 14. We didn't kiss (I still haven't kissed anyone - female or male) or anything it was mostly grinding with our clothes on. When that happened, I wasn't bothered by it at all firstly because I was quite obviously strongly attracted to girls and second because the whole time we did it, I was thinking of a girl from my class. So paradoxically, at that time, for me it meant I was attracted to girls and I didn't really attach any kind of significance to it.

Before that event, I had also gotten aroused (in real life) by another boy we were playing football with (that was age 13 I think) and had fantasised about another in the shower (15 or 16).

As I said, back then, those things didn't mean anything 'cos I thought whatever those fantasies or attractions were, I was definitely attracted to girls. But I really do wonder whether I was repressing my feelings and forcing myself to like and think about girls. It's just all pervasive in our society, you can't not think this way. There's no doubt on my mind I was not repressing anything consciously then and that I genuinely thought I wanted girls. That's the trick with repression though, it's mostly unconscious and it is why I am so stressed and unsure about my sexuality. It's really unsettling.

Now, what I said before about girls applies to guys too. If I think of myself with a guy, nothing happens and I feel repulsed. But since I haven't really connected myself and guys, I can very easily dissociate myself from them. When that happens, I can get easily aroused.

I have watched transgender and gay porn and read erotic stories and I can definitely get aroused although as I said, if I think about myself even for a second, arousal is gone. But with men and transgender women, not involving myself is something I can do (not with girls). I don't know what this means but I can't just ignore it...

Pardon my enormous post and please do tell me what you think... I don't even know whether fantasies and porn or stories is the correct way to understand your sexuality. But I can't do anything in real life right now (no dating) - at least not until I feel comfortable with myself (and that will take time). In the meantime, I am obsessing about what I am and it's deeply disturbing and stressful.

 

Thank you for your answer.

I am not seeing anyone about this issue in particular but I was referred by my GP to a psychiatrist (private) who has put me on several meds (but it's too expensive to do therapy sessions with him). As I said, it's not for this issue in particular, it wasn't causing me anxiety until very recently.

Could any kind of counselor help? or must he/she have a specialisation?

I do strongly believe that no one would find me attractive (or rather, no one I would want would find me attractive) and I don't think I could give pleasure to anyone - especially women. But I am not sure how therapy would help. It'd be enormously embarrassing...