So basicly I've struggled with my sexual orientation around the beginning of High School. Even though I don't act gay. Kids always called me gay and made up rumors about me that caused me to judge myself and become a little bit homophobic. Also it ruined my reputation which limited my success with the ladies. I then started watching my every move to make sure I didn't do anything that would make me look gay or anything. Even though I don't have any personal problems with homosexual people it still bothered me that people would call me that. I didn't even understand why. I am decent looking, am a great athlete, and don't act feminate in any way shape or form. These rumors followed me though-out High School and may have kind of messed me up in some way. Since the rumors ruined my reputation I only hooked up with maybe a couple different girls and had very few friends. Going though all of this made me develop really low self-esteem. On top of that I'm a very paranoid person and stress a lot. Now I'm in college and I actually am confused with my sexuality. I've had a couple encounters with girls and made out and did some four play, but I felt like theirs some switch that is turned off or something that could be holding me back. I think it could be because I'm still a virgin at 21 even though people always assume that I get a lot of girls since I'm a good looking athletic type of person. Also I have a hard time maintaining an irrection since I get so nervous when I'm with girls (sorry for giving too many details). One thing that I'm insecure about is the fact that girls in this day and age get around a lot, thus they have a lot more experience then I do. I've never had a successful relationship and I feel lonely which causes me to blame myself and feel worse. Things are worse now. Since I feel incapable of having any success with girls, it lead me to feel curious and think about guys in a way that is both uncomfortable and confusing. Whenever I'm around any guy, I find myself constantly checking myself to see if I get aroused in any way. I feel really close to the few friends that I have and love them but in a brotherly way. I also love having company and receiving attention no matter who it comes from which is also confusing. I get unwanted homosexual thoughts that pass in and out of my mind 24/7 which leaves me exhausted by the end of the day. I don't think that I would ever act on these thoughts though. There were a couple instances where I've been kissed on the cheek by friends and it really freaked me out. I didn't find it enjoyable and I completely removed myself from the situation. I told myself that if I was gay it wouldn't be the end of the world but for some reason I don't want to accept that for myself and I don't think that I fit that lifestyle. Whenever I have dreams its always about girls and whenever I do find a girl I like. I can't get her off my mind. Whenever it doesn't work out I always blame myself and these thoughts and feelings hit me twice as hard. So at the end of the day I guess I'm either really shy and am afraid due to being a shy dude and being inexperienced. Or I'm just insecure about my sexuality and am really gay or bi. If anyone has ever been through this please help me out. I've been dealing with this for a while and I feel like its starting to ruin my life. Thanks!
OK lets break this down a bit! Your thoughts on guys are as follows: -You have homosexual thoughts but don't like them -You've been kissed on the cheek and it felt uncomfortable -You find yourself checking to see if you are aroused by guys and from the sounds of things, you aren't Your thoughts on girls are as follows: -You find girls attractive -You crush on girls and they get stuck in your head -You struggle to maintain and erection -You have some experience with girls, but it is unclear from what you've written if you enjoyed it but felt it would be difficult to continue, or if it was a bad experience. Now what seems to be more important is your sense of self-worth. You were bullied through-out school, lets call it like it is. You don't know why being called 'gay' made you feel bad, well most likely it's because people were saying things about you that aren't true. Being gay isn't a bad thing, but people spreading lies about you feels shitty! You say you're a virgin at 21, and that the girls today 'get around a lot' and thus have far more experience. You worry about your performance. You blame yourself for any failings in a relationship. By the sounds of things you are so worried about being inexperienced, and how that lack of experience could screw you over that it gets in the way of you actually doing anything.
I know being gay is not a bad thing. I actually have a gay uncle and a friend who is. I think what you said hits the nail right on the head! Maybe I just distract myself with this to ignore the fact that I have no self-confidence. Its like I'm rejecting myself before the girls can. Afterall you cant love anyone if you dont love yourself right?
Dude you sound so much like me it's kind of scary. I want to address so many things in this. First of all you have homosexual thoughts but homosexual acts make you uncomfortable. In my opinion it might have something to do with your earlier experiences. I was picked on for being gay even though I never acted gay and I never came out as gay (I wasn't even sure if I was at the time). I didn't understand why people always thought that about me and as a result I became obsessed with trying to seem NOT gay. This caused me to be uncomfortable with sexual acts in general or even talking about sex with friends. It just made me uncomfortable because I thought If I talked about sex people would be able to tell that I wasn't sure about my sexuality or that I was completely inexperienced since I'd never been with anyone. When I lost my virginity at 21 to a female, I really wanted to have sex with her. I was excited to have sex with her but I had trouble getting an erection because I was so nervous. I didn't know if I would be any good, if that would give away the fact that I was a virgin at 21 and in the back of my head I was constantly thinking about how I wasn't getting hard which in turn made it impossible for me to get hard (if that makes any sense). But the key is to perform oral sex on her long enough for you to get comfortable, calm down, and get hard. Or have her perform oral sex on you to get you hard. Maybe a combination of both. The next time I had sex with a girl it was much better and easier, I think because I wasn't a virgin anymore ( I also wasn't drunk which was the case the first time. Might have had something to do with it). I always had this desire to experiment with guy friends of mine but out of sheer terror of anyone finding out about it or the fact that I'm gay, I never did. I did however find a guy on Myspace (it was cool at the time lol) who was really into me and as fucked up as it sounds I actually met up with him we hung out and performed oral sex on each other. Sorry that's kind of trashy but I think that's what you should do. Get nasty with another dude. That probably freaks you out. I was scared as hell the first time but it helped me to realize that I like it. Find someone that you can be discreet with. If you aren't into the whole one night stand thing, and I respect that, then find someone get to know them and maybe hook-up I don't know but the point is to try it. After you try it you won't have to worry about being confused. If you liked it you'll want to do it again and if you don't then you probably won't think about it anymore. It doesn't make you gay just because you were open enough to hook up with a guy in order to understand yourself more. I used to freak out about my sexuality but as it turns out it is and always will be irrelevant. Take each opportunity as they come. If it's a girl that you're into go for it. If it's a guy go for it. If you end up marrying a women great. If it's a man awesome. But the point is to not let your fear of the possibility of being gay or bisexual make you miserable. I'm 25 and have denied it, tried to pray it away, and anything else that I thought would change me but I can honestly say that accepting it is the best thing you can do. I'm not out of the closet as far as just telling people but I like to consider myself in the closet with the door open (that's a big step for me). I don't deny it but I don't feel obligated to "warn" anyone about my sexuality. After all it's such a small part of who we are! Good luck. Message me if you ever want to talk!
Thanks for the advice. It was a big step in itself for me to get the balls to get on here and talk about my situation since I usually keep everything bottled up. It also helps that your situation is almost identical to mine. I'm going to try to have a more open mind towards this and hopefully it'll make things more clear. But I cant help but feel a lil guilty for it. And I still dont know if I could hook up with a guy to prove things. I would be able to tell myself that I could let it happen, but when things happen for real its completely different. Idk if you read the part of my post that says ive been kissed by a guy before and disliked it and felt really uncomfortable for weeks since it was my roommate. that should make my sexuality seem clear but i just dont know.
If you aren't comfortable with it then don't do it. You may just be a straight guy who is questioning just because of all the negative connotations that being homosexual has because of the rumors when you were younger. I think that this could be the case because normally someone wouldn't be as upset with a little peck on the cheek by another guy at least not for weeks. I'm in a fraternity at my school and that happens so often that it's pretty irrelevant. Anyway I hope you figure it out. Do what makes you feel good man.
hey man, id just like to point out, its not a big deal if your gay.. the same feelings people get for man to woman can be equal'd in strength with man and man/woman and woman... its the source that would make you happiest... you want to go to that source. anyways, id like to point out society has conditioned us. were used to seeing guy and girl. even for a gay guy in the closet it very commonly seems more normal and comfortable possibly then initially being with a guy... when coming to terms with your sexuality you need to explore your imagination, you most likely have barriers set in place, espicially those in denial.. its almost like they 'stop thinking' about doing something with a guy like kissing or holding there ass because they dont want to believe it still.. i think the best way to find out is to allow your mind to expand into redflag zones in your mind, you might get really hard! ;p also, i was bullied, ive been on both ends actually, ithink thats just life though, theres hater and lovers everywhere.. mostly haters imo... and i do wish i could go back and not pick on certain people in middle school.. sometimes you just dont realize.. it can be traumatic- if it was for you id say you go to a therapist and reprocess some of these bad memories and feelings so there just 'not existant' yes its possible..... edmr therapy/cbt therapy most likely is your lane...
I appreciate your response and it makes a lot of sense. I actually have let my mind explore and go into the red zone or whatever u called it lol. For me its like, I feel useless when it comes to girls so whenever I'm feeling low I'm like, shes hot whatever theres no point in trying. so I look elsewhere for comfort, usually my close friends. I do however get these thoughts whenever I come in contact with ANY guy no matter how good looking or not they are. They could be repulsive looking people and it still wouldnt matter, which leads me to believe that I'm just crazy. the response I get from any guy i see i think comes from the constant checking if I'm aroused in any way shape or form. Im like paranoid about it and its like the checking it itself causes an irrection. Another important detail that I forgot to mention is that I do have a complicated mind and other forms of OCD that have nothing to do with this, so seeing a councellor or therapist would be smart haha. Whenever these feelings get me angry and exhausted to the point where I cant take it anymore, I tell myself "ok maybe I am bi or whatever". But then after accepting this the fear goes away and I realize that I'm not at all attracted to men. Also whenever I'm talking to a girl I really like, these HOCD feelings dont occur as frequent.
same way dude..for whatever its worth, i think your straight. ive been on this train for like 6 months. some days are good..some days are bad. what i have noticed is that my thoughts and general craziness goes away when i am interested in a girl or on a date with a girl or just overall, close to a girl. i remember last friday, i had been checking testing and fresking out all day then a friend of mine came down from home, we hung out in my basement and i remember her dancing and bending over and just looking sexy and just being like "damn.." and it was like all my fears stopped for a moment and i felt comfortable and it just felt right.. i know what you mean when it comes to girls..its like "yea shes hot but i cant get with her..so whats the point." it could be a confidence issue. ive been trying to work on confidence but this whole thing is making it hard. maybe meds will help. maybe therapy will help. im not sure..just know, your not alone
Thanks brotha! A couple weeks back I lost a girl I was starting to like so it triggered this shit all over again. I dont know why my mind puts me through it. The Minds a powerful thing lol
