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Im a girl who told all my friends I only like guys. I lied.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by clairemont, Oct 15, 2013.

  1. clairemont

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I like guys and Ive always had, but sometimes I will get some very lesbian thoughts. Like there was this new girl at my high school, and she was very attractive. We will call her Kaylen. It started as a sort of obsession over how good looking she was when I found her on a social website (like jealousy), but then it eventually grew into some sort of obsession over her. I never really talked to her minus a few his and small chats, so its kind of weird, but I would look at her on social networking sites and in real life and just be all, Wow, she's so pretty! I basically grew to develop a crush on her. I would imagine myself doing sexual things with her, like scandalously making out with her and watching her get fucked by some guy. And like touching her boobs. I would imagine talking to her like she and I were best friends and hanging out all the time. We would be inseparable best friends but... with benefits. We would have sex and be friends. We would be in a relationship. Like I actually thought what it would be like if she and I were girlfriends. Like I imagined her being my girlfriend and us going to places and doing things together, like Cedar Point and shopping at malls. I fantasized a lot, as you can see :icon_redf

    So Im thinking about this to myself right now as a write this, and judging from that paragraph I MUST be bi, right? like I would bang a girl, love a girl more than a friend (although vagina is kind of scary to me compared to a penis), you know? But the thing is, Im so rarely attracted to females? She is literally one girl who I actually LIKE. She is the first girl Ive seen in real life (cartoons and fiction doesnt count in this case to make it more realistic, with realistic standards) that I want to have sex with and get to know for 'different' purposes'. Like do dirty things with. Its so weird. Because I almost NEVER think of girls like that, except every now and then I'll get horny and look up something super dirty involving girls strictly. Like making out, because girls making out is attractive and I would love to do that with my ideal girl.

    But its just that I like guys way more often than I like girls, so can I really be bi? Like I have crushes on girls who are so, not unrealistic, but so virtually perfect that it's rare to find one who I like. Like Kaylen, she is so perfect and thinking about her makes me wish for her. She's a star and I didnt know girls like her existed.

    So am I really bi? Even if I rarely find a girl I like and want to f*ck and get to know and maybe love one day? I guess its just that I want a girl who can be my best friend but also someone I can do dirty things with and love in a different way. Like I love my friends, but I want a girl who I can love in 'that' way (IE: Kaylen :rolleyes:slight_smile:

    I guess its the fact that I told basically everyone I talk to that I dont like girls, because Ive experimented with a girl when I was like 8 or 9 - and Im 16 now, turning 17 in like 4 months. But I realize that its OK for kids to experiment with the same sex, that it happens and is normal. Plus some of my close friends are Christians and homophobic, although they try to deny it, I see it in their eyes and the way they talk when we discuss homosexuality... You know? Doesnt help that my bestfriend is a Christian and is super homophobic although she tries to deny it to. She doesnt like it and is bothered by being AROUND gay/bisexual people! :icon_sad:
     
  2. poison53sumac

    Regular Member

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    You may have heard this before, but homosexuality runs a whole spectrum. You can be dropped under the category of bisexual even if 99% of the time it's guys your attractions focus on. Maybe, let's say, for every fifteen guys you like, you like one girl. And you can still be bi with that ratio. it sounds like when you like this Kaylen girl, you like her as much as any boy. So I don't think it's frequency of liking girls that makes you bi or not.
    If you don't want to call yourself bisexual, for the sake of the label, you could consider it more as 'straight but interested in experimenting' or flexible or something like that, if you'd rather not start calling yourself bi when you're really unsure. You don't have to give it a label, either, you know; just go with it. Like a girl when the urge hits, if that makes sense.
    You could also be more on the bicurious side, but the fantasies about Kaylen seem pretty serious to me, although I may not be the best to judge.
    The homophobic friends thing sounds like a bit of a problem, though. I guess you could sort of broach the subject, not with yourself, but try and nudge them into some other perspective? As I write it it sounds like slightly fluffy advice. I know people like that can be hardheaded (not that I'm suggesting your friends by default are) and not interested in being wrong. I don't know. That your friends deny homophobia could mean they don't want to be, but don't know how to think about gay people. But I don't know them personally, and can't say what's the case. If they really can't accept it, you don't have to blare it out if you are bi. Be so quietly, maybe, depending on what you want, and how you decide to frame your sexuality, etc. Live and let live, I guess.
    Hope some/any of this helps you!
     
  3. clairemont

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Yeah, my crush on Kaylen was pretty serious. I kind of wish she was still around so I could try to talk to her. I liked her as much as I would a boy, yep.
    I think I am bicurious too, now is just the issue with trying to find a girl I find attractive and will be willing to experiment with me...
    My homophobic friends ARE an issue. They seem so closeminded it pisses me off. I will have to be more straightforward with my opinions and try to persuade them into the mindset that just because a girl likes girls isn't a good enough reason to cut them off and not appreciate them as a friend. Thanks for your help, I'll subtly say that I'm a girl who would be OPEN to experimentation