Hi, This is my first time posting a message on any forum, let alone one having to deal with something this personal, so forgive me if you notice anything odd about my post. I'm in my mid-20's and, for the first time in my life, I'm hoping to have a meaningful relationship. I dated a couple of girls in high school for a short time and there were a few girls in college who I found to be very pretty and became good friends with. Beyond that, dating has been pretty much nonexistent. This has baffled most of my friends, as almost all of them have been in at least one somewhat-serious relationship before (and some are even married). The problem is that I've never really been attracted to a girl. I know when a girl is pretty; I can see when she has cleavage, curves, etc (sorry for the objectification, ladies). My friends will point her out and I'll smile and agree. It just doesn't do anything for me. I've felt this way as long as I can remember and, to be honest, it's weird to be the only disinterested member of the party. This may be a little too much to post (it definitely feels awkward) but, until about a month ago, I had never been able to reach climax. I'd tried fantasizing about girls, looking at pictures, watching porn (which, oddly enough, made me less aroused... guess I'm naturally a prude, huh? :eusa_doh, but nothing would help. Then, when I started to consider what kind of person I'd like to have a relationship with, I kept coming back to one all-important qualifier, "who would I want to grow old with?" I always ended up picking a guy. So, one night, I decided to fantasize about a man instead. I'll leave out the details, but suffice to say I met with a much greater degree of success. I was really alarmed/freaked out/ashamed of this when it first happened and, even though it has continued to work, I still don't know how to feel about it. Do you think this is an indicator that I'm gay? I've never been anti-gay, so it's not as if I'm dealing with any kind of self-hatred issues, it's just kind of scary to consider the implications this could have for other aspects of my life. I know I'll come to terms with my sexuality eventually, one way or another, but I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks
Hmm. Normally for someone in your situation, we'd probably point out that porn is not a good indicator of one's orientation and suggest that you try allowing yourself to check out guys and/or masturbate to fantasy and let things go where it will without any stigma to see where you end up. Sounds like you've already done that basically. Are you gay? Only you can really determine that. I can tell you that I can easily tell that a woman is pretty (As judged by the culture I've grown up in). But I have never in my life ever had any desire to have sex with a female. As far as your own feelings...you really have nothing to be ashamed of. I get the sense you already know that at some level, but figured it was worth saying anyway As far as the implications being scary... what implications are you thinking of? Todd
Hi Todd, Thanks for getting back to me and for understanding how I feel. Even though I haven't come to terms with how I identify yet, there are a few things that I'm worried about. - I'm nervous about how my family and friends will react. I'm fairly certain my family will accept me regardless of orientation, but there's always that little voice of doubt. I have a few friends who I suspect to be at least slightly homophobic and, even though I know this would make them bad friends to have, I don't know if they'll accept me if I'm gay and that sincerely hurts. I've known some of these people for nearly my whole life and I'm scared to lose them. - I'm nervous giving up how I've oriented myself up to this point in my life. While I realize that my orientation is only one aspect of who I am, it feels so much bigger than that right now, as if every other part of who I become will be built around this. - I know that it's possible to get married and have children in a gay relationship, and I'm of the opinion that equality will always win in the end, but it feels strange that I would technically be leaving my future happiness up to the whims of a court simply due to who I love. Also, I'm scared of not knowing for certain how I feel on this issue. I've never slept with another man; what if I'm building it up in my head to be this great thing and I end up hating it? I don't want to put myself or anyone else in that situation, where I'm on board one instant and hitting the road the next. Basically, this one aspect of my life, which I've been able to basically ignore up to this point, is giving me more anxiety and doubts than I ever thought possible. I'm glad there are sites like this where people can say what they're feeling without fearing public scrutiny.
Hey again Some thoughts below... You're certainly not alone in these feelings. From my time on EC, I can tell you that nearly everybody goes through these feelings to one degree or another. Even when a person has family and friends they know will be supportive, even when they have LGBT friends and family (even immediate family) they can still struggle with taking that step. As far as your friends are concerned...sometimes people can surprise you. Yes, it is possible that you may lose some friends by coming out (not gonna lie to you). But, if they've known you all this time and are willing to throw that away over what you do in private with another consenting adult, is that really fair to you? Beyond that, (and speaking of surprises), sometimes the people you least expect can be pretty supportive. I was in college when I came out and had a couple experiences like that. One with a co-worker who habitually referred to 'f**king queers'. When I came out to him (partly just to see his reaction), he was shocked, disbelieving (But you CAN'T be gay! You don't fit my stereotype!), and rather bothered for a couple weeks. Then he got over it and we actually ended up getting along better than we had before. Another with my roommates at the time. A straight couple, both would occasionally pepper a conversation with complaints about fags or queers. One actually came to me and asked if I was gay due to some stress I was going through with someone I was seeing at the time. When I said yes, her first response was to apologize profusely and to tell me not to tell her boyfriend (my other housemate) because he wouldn't take it well. A few days later he asked me if I was gay, also apologized all over the place and told me not to tell his girlfriend :lol: It all ended up just fine. Like I said, sometimes people can surprise you, especially when confronted with a real person who they know and care about rather than some nebulous hypothetical. If you're gay, it will definitely impact who you are. But probably not as much, or in the ways, you might think. I'll admit I'm drawing on what I've heard other guys say here in the past, so apologies in advance if I majorly miss the boat here. To wit: Being gay doesn't mean you have to dress or act any differently than you do now. There is no rule book or code that requires any particular behavior. You will not suddenly start to lisp, swish, be limp wristed, or cease to be interested in sports, cars, guns, hunting, or whatever it is that interests you. You will not suddenly develop an interest in fashion or shopping if you didn't have one before. Whether you are gay, straight, bi, or Martian, the bills still have to be paid, the trash still has to be taken out, the bathroom still has to be cleaned occasionally, and you still have to pick up your dry cleaning (assuming you ever do dry cleaning). To provide a bit of a contrasting example (which may or may not resemble your life in any way, feel free to imagine your own version): Let us say that as a straight man, your idea of a good weekend is to start the day by working on your truck, then driving to the shooting range (checking out a hot jogger wearing just shorts, shoes, a sports bra, and an ipod that you pass on the way), popping off some rounds there for a bit, then going to a friends house to watch the big game with some buddies. While there you drink beer, whoop and yell at the tv screen, and enjoy the view when the cheerleaders come on. Afterward you go home, watch TV for a bit and go to bed. So how might this look if you're gay... Let us say that as a gay man, your idea of a good weekend is to start the day by working on your truck, then driving to the shooting range (checking out a hot jogger wearing just shorts, shoes, an ipod, and a solid 8-pack of abs that you pass on the way), popping off some rounds there for a bit (the guy who signs you in has great biceps and you wouldn't mind seeing him with his shirt off), then going to a friends house to watch the big game with some buddies. While there you drink beer, whoop and yell at the tv screen, and enjoy the view of the quarterback in those really tight pants, not to mention when they interview him just wearing a towel in the locker room. You remind yourself that you need to pick up orange juice at the store while the cheerleaders are on. Afterward you go home, watch TV for a bit and go to bed. See, not all that different really Hrm. Well yes, welcome to our world (potentially anyway). It's true that things aren't all wine and roses on this front. But things are a lot better now then they used to be (some major victories this summer actually) and seem to be on track to continue to do so. As far as happiness is concerned, I'd argue that taking a shot at future happiness while being true to yourself is better than trying to do it while pretending to be straight and actually being miserable for years (and possibly pulling in an unsuspecting wife and producing kids in the process) until it gets to be too much and you end up coming out anyway. We have folks here who've gone through that. I've yet to see any of them recommend it as a wonderful way to spend a decade or two. Something to bear in mind here: You do not have to leap straight into bed with a guy with no intermediate steps in between. If you want there can be plenty of intermediate steps. For example: Fantasizing about guys (where you are now basically) Checking out guys as you go about your day - you may find that you develop a preference/attraction for a particular type of guy or feature(s) on a guy. Meeting someone and getting to know them/dating Good night kiss Making out on the couch Bed (various activities) Or something like that. The point being that you can take things as fast or as slow as you want. And only move forward to the next stage if it feels right and you want to. Meaning that by the time you get to the point of 'do I want to get naked with this guy' you will have already been doing stuff with him that will have gone a long way toward answering that question. On a related note, and just because there seem to be a lot of misconceptions about this: Gay sex does NOT just mean anal intercourse. For whatever reason a lot of people seem to think it does, and a lot of questioning or bi-curious guys seem to feel a bit weirded out or uncertain about doing that. The fact of the matter is, there are lots and lots of fun things to do besides anal, a fair number of guys aren't even into anal, and another fair number will only consider doing it with someone they really care about or the like. Even among the guys who really like it, most are going to be fine with not doing it if you don't want to or don't feel ready to go there yet. Not sure if that's even an issue for you, but it seems to come up a lot , so thought I'd touch on it. Please feel free to ignore if you wish. Finally, if you get to the point of meeting guys, honesty is virtually always the best policy. That means being up front about your level of experience and what you're looking for as well as what you're not into if the discussion gets to that point. I hope the above is helpful (and doesn't weird you out) and I'd definitely recommend hanging out here on EC and reading the various conversations (and joining in if you've a mind to) Best, Todd
Hi Todd, I've read through your last post several times and I have to say it's been very helpful. I appreciate that you were honest about the possibility that I could lose friends over this, but I hope a few people would surprise me with similar reactions to the ones you described with your friends I'm not concerned that any one particular part of sleeping with a man will be unpleasant (at least not the way I'm envisioning it) but rather that I would get to that point in a relationship (whether it's long term or short term) only to find that I'm completely uncomfortable with the act itself. Then again, even fantasizing about sleeping with a woman doesn't do anything for me, so I guess I can at least take that as a potential indicator of my preference. Furthermore, you're right that I shouldn't get ahead of myself; I doubt I'd be ready to get in bed with anyone that early in any sort of relationship. There was one part of your comparison between the two points of view that did concern me a little; I've never felt comfortable checking out guys in public. When I was quite certain I was straight, I thought it would be odd for me to check out guys, so I suppose I just blocked out the thought of doing so. Now that I'm uncertain, I feel nervous checking out guys in public, as if that will out me as gay before I even know myself... and I would prefer to be the first to know (having typed that, I realize how paranoid that sounds but those are the irrational fears that go through my mind in the heat of the moment ). I visited a gay bar for the first time tonight, primarily so I could look at guys without having to worry. I went in intending to leave after 30-45 minutes but ended up staying for nearly 2 hours! I'm not sure if it was just a sense of relief from not feeling as if I had to avoid looking at guys (some of whom I did find to be good looking), the friendly (and good looking) bar tenders, the cool atmosphere, or even just the drinks but I had a great time! I plan on going back to see if this was just a fluke, but it turned out better than I thought it would going in. If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out that you are gay (or was it something that you just knew)? Anyway, thanks for the great response!
