Answers

Sorry if it sounds like I'm blurting out a bunch of stuff out at once. This is another confused late night for me, and I'm posting here for lack of a better way to resolve my questions (that I'm willing to use).

I'm a 28 year-old girl living in Cali. I have a boyfriend, and we've been together for three years, most of which we've spent living together. I love him. I'm pretty clear on that. I just don't really know how to process all of the rest of my feelings. Nothing seems to fit together well anymore.

I didn't really think about it that much before. It would pop into my head occasionally before, but it's kinda always there now. I close my eyes when I'm in bed about to sleep, and I think of girls. If I'm doing stuff to myself, I think of girls. If I feel like looking at videos online, it's girls together.

I guess, before, I managed to convince myself it was some side interest of mine? Like I told myself it was something I thought about but really didn't want? After all, I've been with a whole bunch of guys (probably too many) and never once been in a relationship with a girl.

It's just getting to the point that it actually hurts now, if that makes any sense. And the things I'm telling myself are true or not true are starting to seem like they're going from explanations to rationalizations to silly denials.

I just got home from dinner with a bunch of my friends a few hours ago. And I seriously never really noticed it as a big thing, but almost all of my friends who are girls are either lesbians or bi. I always just thought it was a fluke that I was the one weird straight girl who liked to hang out with that kind of girl. I think that made sense up until I was in the parking lot after dinner tonight with one of my friends (who is single and bi), and we ended up talking for an hour about really personal stuff after the rest of the group left, and I ended up just staring at her lips probably a dozen times, wanting to kiss her, wanting her to hold me, trying not to be noticed but phasing out about what she was actually saying.

I've never considered myself a homophobe, and I'm certainly not any kind of conversative or religious person, so why do I feel so disgusted in myself when I think like that? I guess I do have a bunch of baggage, when it comes to dealing with women. If it's at all related, I was abused by my mom. A lot. I won't really go into details beyond that.

I can't really stand the idea of ever hurting my BF. I was never one to believe in silly white knight fantasies, but I had honestly gone way off the rails when I met him, and he kinda gave me the stability to live a real life again. He was and is immensely patient with me, and we're very close. I still need and want him.

But I'm kinda questioning everything now. I'm even wondering if my sexual attraction to guys is even real. I had this phase where I was with a lot of guys, and I guess I enjoyed sex once I really got warmed up, but I always felt a little disconnected, and the main thing I wanted was just for them to care about me. When I think of girls, even just hugging or kissing them, the physical reaction I get is a lot stronger.

I can't really get these thoughts out of my head, and it's kinda hurting me to even think about it now. No idea where to go from here. And yes, I have a therapist. And for whatever reason, I'm kinda terrified of bringing this up with him.

 

Thanks for the reply, eagle.

Sorry to bump this. Still feeling pretty lost. I've tried to step back and think about it a little bit, to get some perspective. It hasn't really helped that much. If anything, I just have more questions now.

Is this just a phase, like something I need to try out to get out of my system? I kinda want to think so, but then I realize how long this has been going on. It has always been in the back of my head somewhere.

But if I'm really a lesbian, how did I go this long denying it and being with guys? Is it possible to hide or repress something that well?

And why do I feel so scared now? Like I feel terrified of acting on my feelings. But at the same time, this is already the longest relationship with a guy that I've ever been in, and I'm probably more afraid that I'll go another few years without getting what I want/need.

Whatever I do, I don't want to do anything rash that will leave me in an even worse spot. Tuesday is the night when I see most of my l/b friends, and I don't want to do or say anything stupid around them that will mess up my friendships. But I feel like I'm kinda slipping. I've already been flirting with one of my bi friends that I know really likes me (she's not from my main circle of friends, and she didn't seem to take it too seriously).

Any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

 

Yeah. A few bits of your story sound familiar to me, eagle, especially the beginning of it. My very first fantasies (both romantic and sexual) were about girls. And it was like that for a while. I guess it was only because some voice in my head kept saying "That's not possible" and "You can't have that" that I really convinced myself I was straight.

At this point, in my heart of hearts? I can't possibly be straight, can I? I'm either bi and far too preoccupied with women, or I'm a lesbian. And can I even really be bi? It wouldn't eat me up like this if I were, would it?

I just really don't know what to do with the answer of lesbian. Maybe that's all I'm doing, resisting the truth because I have no idea where to go from here if it is true.

Thanks for the reply, eagle. Things actually feel a little more clear.

 

Looking at your message, the bit that jumped out at me the most was actually this:
"Orientation: lesbian w/ 1 excep"

That's me, isn't it?

He's like . . . the only man I've ever really connected with. All of my past "relationships" were either based purely on sex, or they were emotionally one-sided. As in, they liked me and wanted something more permanent, and I almost immediately backed off from them as a result. I probably broke a lot of hearts that way. I've just never been able to do the "girlfriend" thing with a guy, much less a LTR. I dunno if it was just me having commitment issues, or if it was simply because they were guys.

He was just different. We don't really have a conventional relationship, though, which kinda complicates things. I don't want to exceed the scope of these forums by going into too much detail, but vanilla isn't really my thing. We definitely love each other, and we connect on so many levels, but boyfriend-girlfriend is by far the least of them. That's probably why I was able to convince myself I was straight. Because I can get somewhat attracted to people sexually based purely on the role they play in a relationship.

But yeah. You're asking the right questions. What do I want from him? I'm not even sure anymore.

And yeah, it would be a no brainer if he were a woman. I'd want to marry them, if that were true. Which is the painful part.