I am going around in circles...I feel like one day I am just going to come out and be 'that gay guy'. I have experimented with dudes when I was really young,never kissing or anything like that,just simulating sex. But that was a long time ago and I have always felt deeply about women and have formed relationships and fallen in love with several of them. Recently though,I have been rejected a lot and have spent a while single + I'm in varsity and am around a lot of gay people lately. For some reason...I have been feeling quite uneasy around these gay people. It started with noticing that some guys are good looking (eg. Trey Songz,Matt Damon etc.) and wondering why I thought something like that about a guy. Eventually,I started noticing good-looking guys that were not celebrities and this really freaked me out and I concluded that I was secretly gay. But I'm not attracted to guys, guys don't make me hard and I tried watching gay porn but it doesn't work...So now I spend countless hours masturbating to straight porn to prove that I'm not gay and every time I do it feels like my sexuality is gonna slip away and this is the last time I will ever feel this way about a woman...This just kills me...I cannot begin to imagine myself with a guy, but now there are gay people who think I'm gay and I have this fear of people thinking I'm gay so I can't ever be myself anymore. I didn't realise sexuality was such a major issue...now it just feels like I never really felt that way about girls all through out life, it feels like it was all just a hoax...a way to be in denial. I feel like there is no hope...I see a dead end in my life where all my days are spent arguing with myself over this...I can't even hangout with my bestfriend anymore because I think I want to kiss him and I can't even act normally because I have to make sure my behaviour is not gay...please help.
1) Porn is for entertainment, not a great way to explore one's sexuality 2) 'A gay behaviour', hmm, for me, it goes unnoticed by others since I'm not the stereotypical gay, and I could hide my impulses so I guess you could to. 3) You are in denial stage, (if you were gay, or bi, that is), and that is the most excruciating part. But when you could finally accept yourself, you would be more relieved and less stressed. 4) Arguing with oneself is a great way. However, don't try to force yourself to believe that you are gay/bi/straight only by thoughts. The apocalypse would only come along with experience. Hugs, and Good Luck!
Ok, various thoughts here: 1) noticing that a guy is good looking doesn't really mean anything. There is an entire multimillion dollar industry devoted to telling you what guys are good looking so you will buy products to help you look like them. 2) if you aren't attracted to guys (they don't get you hard, etc) then that's a fairly strong indicator you're not gay IMO. 3) Even if you are gay (and I'm not reading anything here that indicates to me that you are) there is nothing about liking sex with guys that requires you to be anything other than yourself. You can like sex with guys and still love sports, or working on cars, or hunting, or going to the shooting range or whatever your thing is. Sexual orientation and what you enjoy doing outside of sex are totally separate things. 4) if you were gay the feelings with women that you are afraid of losing would be replaced with feelings toward men that you would find much more satisfying. So you wouldn't feel like you were losing anything in that context and you don't really need to feel fear in this area. The upshot of all this is that you don't sound gay to me. You seem to be suffering a bit of a dry spell in the romance dept just now, but that's not the same as being gay. Even if you are gay (or maybe bi), that doesn't require any major change in your life really. But you've not written anything here that makes me think you are anything other than straight. Hope this helps, Todd
