I am 19 years old and am currently experiencing severe anxiety over my sexual orientation. Any and all advice is hugely appreciated. As long as I can remember, I have been attracted to girls. I discovered porn in 8th grade and have masturbated regularly (2x/day) up until now. I have had many crushes on girls—including some borderline obsessions—and lost my virginity two years ago to a girl that I loved. We dated for 7 months, having sex 2-3 times per day and it was never a problem to get hard or enjoy sex. Since then, I have been single for a year and a half (mostly because I lived out of the country for 9 months) and haven't had another sexual experience with anyone past 1st base. About two months ago I was really high and the thought came into my mind 'What if I am gay?' This was a totally new thought, something I had never before even considered. I have close friends who have come out to me and my family would be incredibly supportive. I always assumed if I were gay I would know and that would be that. I watched gay porn to check if I liked it and wasn't aroused. I thought that this thought would go away the next day but instead it persisted. I didn't think I was gay, but the thoughts of 'What if I have been fooling myself?' 'What if my life has been a lie?' gave me no peace. Since that day, I have noticed my libido go from very high to almost non-existent. I still masturbate every day—something I can't stop—but can no longer get hard from just fantasizing. I have to watch porn and stimulate myself at the same time. I can come from straight, gay, and tranny porn but the latter two (which I only started watching in the last two months) have extra thrill for me because of the taboo. Initially the idea of actually having gay sex or kissing another man was something I couldn't even imagine myself doing but because I keep thinking 'What if I am gay?' and testing myself with these thoughts they seem more natural now. I can get half-turned on by gay porn and also by thinking about guys. I had a pretty heavy (read: lots of petting) makeout sessions with a girl and was turned on by her boobs (fully erect) and wanted to finger/fuck her three weeks ago. I ended it with her because I didn't want to date her and since then, thinking back I am sort of disgusted by the idea of her vagina and vaginas in general. In short, I think by thinking so much about being gay and kissing guys I have desensitized myself to my initial negative reaction. I have read a lot about HOCD on the internet but I kind of think it is a made-up disease. If it is real, I definitely have it. When I think about having a relationship or getting married it is always with a girl. But recently, I have a hard time getting hard while looking at pictures of naked girls--maybe because I am nervous? I also feel stirring in my groin while looking at pictures of erect penises--but not shirtless guys. I have started 'checking' my reaction to almost every interaction with girls and guys: 'Would I kiss them? Am I turned on by them? Is this an innocent friendship? As a result, I think I would be way too nervous to get hard with a girl, which has made me wary of seeking out a relationship or one night stand. I also have little to no desire to date a guy in real life but I think I could get a 'fear boner' or something like that if I were to make out a with a guy. I am scared that I am just deceiving myself into thinking that I am gay and also scared that I am tricking myself into thinking that I am straight. Any advice or thoughts is much appreciated. To be clear, I have no desire to 'test' myself with a guy in real life, as of yet. TL;DR: I was convinced I was straight until 2 months ago, an idea borne out by experience with girls and porn. Since a 'high-dea' entered my head two months ago I have obsessively checked to see if I was gay to the extent of normalizing gay thoughts and pornography. I have no interest in dating a guy (although now I keep thinking about that so that will probably be normalized soon) and want to date girls, but am worried that this nagging fear (or latent homosexuality?) will keep me from getting hard with girls.
I can't give you a answer as to whether or not your straight, bi or gay. what I can say is your story seems very very, almost identical to mine. it started out as a thought, then the checking came now it's day in and day out.."am I attracted to him..am I attracted to her?" it goes on forever. and if I were to tell you, I think you sound straight, the reassurance won't last long. I believe if you have ever felt an emotional and sexual bond with a girl (like the one you mentioned), then you simply cannot be exclusively gay. porn really isn't a good indicator of identity either. maybe just try accepting that you cannot know for certain. you know you like girls so go with that, and if the time should come when you do want something with a guy, well, cross that bridge when you get there. but take it from me, there will be no amount of checking or testing that will give you an answer. I've done it for 6 months. it doesn't work.
