Hello, I am in my 20s (late 20s). I have two children. I never really wanted children, but I do love them. I am not married, but I am living with the man who is the father of my children. He was abusive in the past (this important information) but is not, currently. I feel that it's because I hold back and don't live my life as I want. I feel I am walking on egg shells, in a way. Before this man, I was only with ONE other guy. I didn't really enjoy sexual relations with him and I didn't really enjoy sexual relations with the man I am currently living with. The reason I wrote about the abuse is that I have no desire to have any contact with the guy I am living with. We haven't had sex in over a year. I am so confused. I know the lack of wanting sex could just be related to the abuse from the past, but what if it's not? Recently, I have been thinking about women. I don't think about a certain person, but I do have the thought that I could be in a relationship with a woman. The only problem is, I am not even sure I could have sex with a woman, either. I know it sounds confusing...How could I want to look for a woman to be in a relationship with (possibly) if I have never had sex with a woman? I've never kissed a woman. Could my thoughts of leaving this man and dreaming of being in a relationship with a woman (imaginary woman) be because of the abuse? I have always admired the beauty of a woman, but it was more in a "Why couldn't I look like that?" way. It's recently become sexual fantasies of women, though. Actually, I think I just picture passionately kissing a woman. I don't know. I am sure this post is confusing, but my life is confusing right now...especially when I think of my children and how I could potentially ruin everything they're used to. *sigh* Has anyone else ever felt like this? Help.
Here's what I'd say - your desire to leave this man is almost certainly related to the abuse that he inflicted. However, your desire for a woman is almost certainly not. If you were simply reacting to the abuse, I have a feeling that you'd want another man. I've never kissed or had sex with another man, yet I'm absolutely certain that I'm gay and looking for another man to get into a relationship with (and I'm older than you are!). There's nothing that says you had to have done those things in order to qualify for the "gay card". As for your kids, there are plenty of parents here on EC, know that this is not the end for your children - but rather a new beginning of the true, authentic you. I think that you'll find your relationship with your children will only improve with time, even though it might be difficult in the short term (how old are they?) You've come to the right place for advice on these topics. Welcome!
Welcome Misses! Maybe reading a few posts in the LGBT Later in Life section will help. You will find lots of support here.
