Hello, so I shall start with my first post. I will be 20 in december, and I don't know what to think about myself, my sexuality. Even when I was a small boy (maybe it does not have any influence but it just might) I was mostly friends with girls, I somewhat felt not like one of the boys in my neighbourhood. I didn't play any sports, I was kind and nice, and I enjoyed more girls as friends. When puberty hit and people usually start seeing the world differently, and percieve various sexual impulses. My puberty hit me quite later than the rest of my peers. And also my perception of various things. When I first masturbated I was 14, and prolly after half a year, I started to watch gay porn. At the time I didn't realize it and did not question myself, considered to be no big deal. The thing was I had "crushes" on girls throughout my life, but it all started as becoming very good friends (probably too good) and then the relationships just would not happen. Also the chemistry was missing (2 girls old me that, but that otherwise I was a very nice, smart, and not that ugly guy). I still can see a pretty girl and observe her beauty, but that is mostly the end of my thought. When I see some guys, I get different ideas. But sometimes (really rarely) when I please myself I watch hetero porn and it sometimes turns me on.....I just would like to know if I am full gay or is there still some "hope" or idk how should I call it that I just might have a family which is regular to the society standards in my country. What is your advice, how to find out for certain. Only once I told my friend that I might be gay, and he just would not accept it, he said I was just paranoic or something (of course we were drunk so I managed to tell someone, prolly my best friend at that time). Since then I remained silent. I just don't know who to talk about this, so I came here. (sorry for my English if there is something which makes no sense :lol: )
I was in your position a while ago, I was convinced I was a straight guy who just liked gay porn. My advice is exactly what changed my perspective. Expose yourself to gay intimacy. Porn is great for helping you orient yourself, but it's not the best way to find out what would make you happy. My problem was that porn doesn't contain a lot of tenderness, romance, or intimacy, so it wasn't something I thought about. When I finally encountered a story of gay romance in a book I was reading, it changed my entire perspective. Try looking for pictures of boys cuddling, there is lots of that kind of stuff in tumblr. Focus on intimacy and connection. They will help you figure yourself out a lot more than any porn will. I say I'm bi but I've been so wrapped up in not being ashamed of liking men anymore, I barely have time to notice girls. I am finally brave enough to actually look at guys.
Thank you, that just really makes sense, and I agree on all u written up there, now I guess I just have to digest all the implications of this And work on getting at least my first thumb out of the closet...
