I've always identified as straight. But I've been questioning this for a few years and I don't know if I could be bi, or a lesbian. If this matters, I grew up Catholic but left the church when I was about 16 (mostly because of their views on gay marriage) and now consider myself Agnostic. I'm 18 now and a freshman in college. I'm worried because I really like this guy. I'll call him Alex. He likes me back, and he came to visit me today... and though I was really excited about it, I just felt really weird and awkward the whole time. Things he did annoyed me, especially flirting, and I questioned liking him at all. This is at least the third time this year this has happened to me, with different guys. Some people say, "Maybe you just like the chase." That's one explanation. But the other is that maybe I don't actually like men. So I want to explore that option. Sorry if this is way too much information, but I am turned on by pictures of naked girls, and girl on girl porn. Sometimes when masturbating I think about girls, but not girls that I know. More just like porn stars. It doesn't work to think about generic hot guys, but it does to think about Alex. I used to think we had a lot of sexual tension, and just seeing him shirtless would turn me on. But today I cringed when he just touched my arm. I get very emotionally and physically attracted to some guys, but then it usually goes away when they start liking me. When I did sexual things with my ex, I sometimes enjoyed it, and sometimes it was kinda awkward and I wanted it to end and to just cuddle him. I figured this had to do with the fact that I'm very self-conscious and have an anxiety disorder. I've never been emotionally attracted to a girl, only physically. And generally only if they're porn stars. Otherwise, I just noticed when they're pretty, and accidentally look at their boobs without thinking. I find absolutely nothing wrong with being gay/bi/lesbian/trans and support it very much, but I am really afraid of the thought that I might be... I really don't understand why that is.
Well we could discuss why you might be afraid of that for ages, but for now I'll focus on your orientation. What is it about these female porn stars you like? Alex just asked you to have sex with him - what is your immediate response? What is it about girls that puts you off emotionally? Start with those and see where your mind takes you
God, you sound like me! I've GAD (general anxiety disorder) and get uncomfortable with male contact, even though I can like guys. I think we're really only different in that I seem to be interested in guys if they're interested in me. I think you should explore these possibilites: 1) Obsessing about your sexuality is making you more anxious; 2) You've always assumed you're exclusively straight (it sounds to me you're not a 1 or 6 on the Kinsey scale!) so you anticipate being sexually attracted to men, then when the chance comes something maybe doesn't feel right; 3) Having an attraction to women has made you unsure of dating guys; 4) The sexual attraction towards men is too much for you at times? These are just some thoughts. Why don't you try casually dating a couple of women? Maybe when you're anxious isn't a good idea - maybe try and talk to someone about that. You could try casually dating a couple of men too. Maybe you're more attracted to men but are picky, especially when it comes to personality - also, lots of women don't like being touched by men unless there's trust and familiarity. As for worrying about being gay, there's nothing unusual about that. Society, religion, or just your nature - ie, maybe you are straight and the idea of being gay worries you because it's not what you truly want to be? Remember that lots of straight women like lesbian porn. Just tell yourself it's okay to like men and/or women. Try not to obsess about it! Also, you're just 18, which is quite young for sex, even today (some people are doing it all the time, others keep it in their pants!) If you're a virgin that could make you more nervous. Best thing to do just now is not convince yourself of your sexuality, no labels until you're sure. Just go with the flow!:lol:
