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Wanting to feel peace

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LostnDelirious, Oct 20, 2013.

  1. I've been watching this forum for a month or so now looking for stories similar to mine.I'm a mum in my late 20's of 2 small children I've been with my first love for 11 years now.Ive always known Ive liked the same sex since I was 11 I'd have dreams and crushes on female teachers.At 12 I experimented a few times with a friend nothing too serious just fondling.At 14 I came out gay to a sibling but had 2 boyfriends during that age nothing serious just little crushes.I met my now partner at 18 I had told him I was bisexual but was more bi curious as I've never been with a woman.He seemed okay with it aslong as I didn't act on it.While being with him I crushed on a female friend of his and desperately wanted to connect with her sexually I told them both thinking it'd be okay but they both were not okay with it.I felt I loved him but was very curious bout women Id buy pornographic magazines of women I'd call up sex lines Id even get desperate enough I almost had a 3sum just so I could be with a woman but she never showed up and I backed out.This all happened behind my partners back he found out and that's where I stopped pursuing.We didn't have the best relationship I don't know why I continued to stay.Low self esteem issues and wanting to feel loved I think.Years went on and my only infutuation was having naked women on my bedroom walls.It was an internal fight being who I am or having the one thing that showed he cared when no one else did.So here I am for past 3 years I've been struggling with my gay thing it started over online chatting with lesbians one night I have no idea why but after 8 years of living life normally I went online and started talking to women first just flirting and I liked it alot then I met this beautifu soul she had a beautiful personality and it turned into online affair during that time my partner and I tried for our 2nd due to his underlying health it was now or possibly never.So that added to the stress I walked away from her because the guilt killed me but only lasted few months.I craved the attention the images the feeling being intimate well online with a woman exciting I felt renewed but very guilt stricken I couldn't function I always thought bout women was like a drug I'd jump from one online girl to another to satisfy my emptiness.I started crushing over a new gayfriend her soul was beautiful too I kept wanting to be with her and still do she doesn't know but knows I like women as that's what we talk bout.Before all of this I felt content with my life but was always afraid to make big commitments as in marriage and buy house together I know having children is way more bigger than those but I've always wanted kids in my heart regardless of those things.Thinking back now I see how misarable I really was why is it now for something like this to happen I feel this way now.Im so sick of guilt my sex life is non existent because of me I push him away he makes me cringe just looking at his body kissing doesn't happen as that makes me feel yuck.Before having our children sex was fun and I loved his touch but we'd never had that connection and I've been trying all these years to fit into some sort of bond.Im seriously considering a counsellor but the expense side is holding me back.So here i am.Ive been keeping my mind busy but as soon as I'm quiet I start to over think am I gay? Yes I think so I'm going to come out then I try making things obvious to people around me but once I think they catch on I hide away in fear mainly because everyone sees me in a straight relationship.Ive been meditating but can't stop these urges in my mind I go online and do it over and over I live in fantasy world while struggling with reality I can imagine marrying a woman more then a man I'd love too but I've a family now and kids that depend on me.We are both unhappy but neither of us willing to leave he says all I need to do is tell him to go and he will its happened twice but then he starts with manipulation.So here I am stuck in my own over thinking mind I feel so depressed and I know it's self inflicted.I say to him and myself I can have sex no worries but I don't feel the desires and want to do it I get off on foreplay with him to lesbian fantasies and I don't think that's going to help my situation so I avoid it because I crave that so bad.I just don't know what to do I want my old self back the one I had when I was " just mummy" now I'm mummy with guilt ridden fear.Can someone please help this make sense I just can't function at all my life has changed because of me.
     
  2. tommyj

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2013
    Messages:
    206
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    Wales, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Lost, I understand what you're going through. I'm going through something simular with my wife of 10 years. We also have 2 kids and it seems like I'm just more "playing house" and going through the motions in my family life. I love my children and I love my wife just not the same way anymore. I know I have been attracted to guys for a long time but have been suppressing those feelings for many years. I just have gotten to the point where I've admitted to myself that I'm gay, but haven't come out to anybody except for here on EC.

    I'm not sure where I will end up, but I'm finding a lot of encouragement and support here. Maybe other members who have been at this longer will be able to give you more practical advise, but I just wanted to chime in and say that you're not alone. I think it's hard because we have children and it makes any decision we might might a lot more complicated.

    Best Wishes!