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A little confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by drums4life, Oct 21, 2013.

  1. drums4life

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    Hi EC,

    I am 25, and I am currently in a relationship with the love of my life. I plan on marrying her. The problem is that I find myself physically and sexually attracted to men.

    Don't get me wrong, I am physically, sexually, and emotionally attached to women, but there is something about the male body that drives me wild. I get more turned on by watching gay porn than straight porn.

    I have had one experience with a guy, and it was purely physical. I find myself wanting more, but I never want to give up my girlfriend.

    I am just wondering if anyone in the same boat as me has any advice. I have been feeling this way for as long as I can remember, and used to just think it was a phase. Well, that phase has never gone away, and I really doubt it ever will, but like I said before, I am only physically and sexually attracted to men. I really don't think I could ever be in a full-on relationship with one and be satisfied.

    If anyone has any advice, I would definitely appreciate it.
     
  2. Joey4

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    I'm not in the same boat, but maybe I'm paddling down the same river.

    I've never been in a serious relationionship, but I've only ever been with females, sexually. I find the male body attractive.

    I've read all throughout the forums trying to find people like me. I wonder if I'm totally gay sometimes, but then I see and read about guys like me whose bodies don't respond in anyway to females. Mine does. So I can't be totally gay. I'm not totally straight because I do find guys attractive.

    Truth be told, there's no one answer, or category for that matter, to place yourself. If you're in a relationship that you appreciate and enjoy, then keep with it. I think what's important is that your girlfriend know how you feel so that there's no surprises down the road.
     
  3. Randomette

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    I'm not really sure what to tell you. Mostly because I have no idea what your girl is like. Honestly speaking, she could be the greatest girl in the world and still react very badly to you telling her something like this. Or she could be super supportive. It really depends.

    I've known a few guys like you. It's really not that uncommon for guys to be romantically straight and physically bi. They usually just figure out some way to get their itch scratched on the side. But if you love her that much, you might not be willing to betray her trust like that.

    I guess your choices are either to just repress your feelings, be open with your girlfriend to see if you two can work something out, or step out on her. None of them are great options.

    Hrm. Advice. I've got zero personal perspective on this, so I've probably got nothing good to offer here. Maybe try to broach the topic sideways? This is gonna get into weird strategies on talking about stuff, so try to follow me. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Do you guys ever talk about sex? Like some couples have a little bit of chat about sex after they have sex. That's not a bad time to discuss touchy sexual topics because, if you've just shown her that you're super into her physically, you'll have to deal with a lot less insecurity from her. You could frame the conversation like you're just trying to see what she's into, in terms of kinky stuff. Ask her if she has ever wanted to try a threesome. You've really gotta use your best judgment here. You don't want to freak her out and make her feel like you're suddenly pushing her into a lot of weird stuff. You'll probably know if she'd mind. Anyway, if she responds positively, you could ask her what kind of threesome. There are a lot of girls who like the idea of a threesome but would rather it's two guys and them. Then you could nonchalantly say you're not opposed to that.

    Or you could ask her if she has ever had a bi experience or thoughts. Don't be serious, or she'll prob just say no, and the conversation will be over. Make it joking, like you're just perving out and want to imagine her with another girl. The trick here is that if you push her just a little bit, she'll quite possibly eventually try to deflect by asking _you_ the same question. And if you act dodgy for a little bit and are able to make it seem like you totally weren't expecting that, you might get away with a much lighter introduction to her that you've got some bi inclinations.

    I think once you get the general idea out there and see her reaction, then you can consider being more open with your complete feelings.
     
  4. drums4life

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    First off, thank you very much for responding...it means a lot.

    I have a hard time even thinking of telling her about how I feel. There was one time that she told me she sometimes wonders what being with a woman would feel like. But as soon as I jokingly said something along the same lines about a guy, she got grossed out. In my eyes, that is such a double standard.

    I think it will end up being something that I will always repress, as I could never do something "on the side." As I said before, she is amazing, and my total soulmate, so I would never want to hurt her like that. I do know that by not telling the full truth or keeping something like how I feel from her, I could be doing just as much damage, but I just think that is the safest for now.

    As for the threesome idea, I am a very jealous person (kinda hypocritical, I know), so I don't think that would ever work either.

    There is a lot more that goes into this, but it is stuff that I don't want to get into now. Once again, thanks for responding, and I continue to appreciate any responses from guys in the same boat as me.
     
  5. debushed

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    drums4life,

    Your name caught my eye and so did your story. There's not much story to go from but I'll tell you a little bit of mine. I'm not in the same boat as you but I once was.

    I had quite the same issues as you, physically and sexually attracted to guys but there was no way I could emotionally connect with them. I had some close guy friends but that was just part of life. I never got physical with any guy, not that I didn't want to but I guess that was just a part that couldn't get past. I guess I was afraid someone would find out my little secret.

    I also had a girl, she was the love of my life and my best friend. We got married and had a kid. Good times, I repressed my issues and life was okay. Unfortunately, these things can't be repressed, they linger and fester forever. Long story short my marriage went to crap and we were eventually divorced. Turns out I had myself a great case of denial. Even though she was my best friend and I never had a connection with another woman like I did with her, it didn't work.

    Well I have let down my guard and decided for me that it was okay to be gay. I quit caring about what others might think of me and cared about how I feel about myself. I've let myself open to caring emotionally for another man and even though I have my moments life has gotten easier for lack of a better word.

    You are not I but I would highly recommend you stop over in the "LGBT Later in Life" section. You can read a lot of stories about people that "repressed" their issues because they couldn't be emotionally involved with a man and a normal life was what they wanted.

    EC is a great resource and you have come to the right place to find the answers your are looking for. I hope everything works out for you.
     
  6. Split Arrows

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    Wow, that all sounds incredibly familiar to me.

    When I've been in this situation before it's very important to talk to her about the feelings you're having. If you don't, the urges might get way too intense and you might end up doing something you'll regret in a moment of passion (I know I have).

    If you plan on marrying this gal, it is important to not keep secrets and staying closeted for the sake of a relationship usually has the opposite effect.

    Unfortunately, that's all the advice I can offer without knowing more of your story and why you think she'd have a problem with this.
     
  7. Randomette

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    You've really gotta stop and take stock of yourself, then. How important is this to you?

    And please don't make the mistake of minimizing your feelings or trying to write them off as "not important compared to your relationship." That has destroyed plenty of people and plenty of relationships. I made that mistake, and that's why I'm here. And believe me, I consider my BF to be just about the best male partner I could ever get, and that hasn't stopped me from feeling the way I feel.

    Be honest with yourself. And if it's not something you can get over, and it kinda sounds like it isn't, you may need to simply be open with her.

    I hate to say it, but she could be super amazing in every other way, but if she _really_ can't accept you when it comes down to it, she's probably not the girl for you, plain and simple.