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Am I a lesbian or bi?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sari, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Sari

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    I'm not really sure where to start so apologies in advance if this is a bit long. I would really appreciate your thoughts and any advice you might have.

    Just to put things in context, I'm 28, a girl and currently single.

    I've accepted that I've been sexually attracted to other women for some time but never really thought about what that meant. I'd always said that although I was attracted to women i'd never be in a relationship with one. Having children is something that's really important to me, and I was raised to believe this only happens after marriage and so, until recently, had accepted that's what I would do.

    As a kid I remember vividly having a dream about one of my female teachers naked. I was always very interested in other girls and I can only remember thinking that girls were pretty when I was young. Boys didn't even factor in on my radar. When I played with Barbie it was always the two girls kissing.

    As I got older this stuck with me...when I read about lesbians or saw underwear adverts it was the women that interested me.

    At about 16 my friends were dating and so I started doing it too. Although I did have 'crushes' on men i never thought about them sexually and it was usually men I didn't know...I'd get infatuated. Not sure if that was because all my friends had crushes or what, but it was never based on reality or a connection and was never a sexual attraction.

    At that age I also had a few experiences kissing and grinding a few female friends, and that was very exciting for me.

    For as long as I can remember I've only ever masturbated while thinking of women. I only get aroused if I'm watching lesbian porn/reading lesbian stories/thinking of women. I've tried watching/reading straight porn but it doesn't do it for me. I don't get turned on thinking about experiences I've had with men that were arousing at the time.

    When I was 21 I slept with another woman. This was something I actively sought out because i'd been curious for a long time. It was amazing, although I felt really confused afterwards. This was the only time I've had an orgasm during sex.

    I've had sex with a number of men, kissed even more and dated a few. It's never felt 100% natural to me. Even kissing them makes me feel shy and awkward, it takes a while for me to get into it and I usually try to resist at first. But once we start having sex I do get turned on and enjoy it physically, although I've never orgasmed with a man. Sometimes I've found myself thinking about other women during sex and that's probably the closest I get to orgasm.

    I don't think I've ever emotionally connected with a man on a sexual level or otherwise, but so far I've put this down to not having met the right man. Even in my longer relationship of 3 years we just sort of started dating and stuck with it because it was nice.

    I've never met a man that I can see myself having a proper future with, and tend to get scared when things might head down that route. When I think of my future there isn't a man I picture it with. But then again there hasn't been a woman I picture it with either. The only thing I know I want is babies.

    I've not had a 'crush' on a woman, mainly because if I've found myself in a situation where I'm attracted to a woman I suppress it. I do have lots of female friends that I probably would sleep with.

    I've sort of fallen into most of my relationships when men have pursued me. I haven't pursued them, although I do get attached once I have slept with a man (not because of an amazing connection, but just because I don't want them to reject me...). But I've never felt emotionally or sexually fulfilled by a man.

    Generally I notice myself spotting attractive women on a day to day basis. I very rarely check men out. I do notice when men are good looking but this isn't in a sexual way, I just appreciate their beauty I guess.

    If I see a lesbian couple or read anything to do with lesbians, see it on tv, I'm massively intrigued. And usually quite aroused if they're kissing and stuff. I've joined a few lesbian dating websites and talked to a few girls, but tend to get scared because I feel like it doesn't fit in with my plan of settling down and having a family. Plus it would probably mean I was a lesbian which, up until recently, I wasn't willing to consider.

    All of this had led me to accept that I was bisexual a while ago. But very recently I've been wondering if maybe I am actually a lesbian. Maybe the reason I can't connect properly with a man is because that isn't who I'm meant to be with.

    Do you think I might be a lesbian? Is it possible to be a lesbian and become aroused when having sex with men but to not enjoy the thought of it before or after? Like literally until he physically touches my bits and gets me going I'm not into it. Or does the fact that I get aroused with a man mean I'm bisexual, rather than a lesbian? even though I don't emotionally connect with men or orgasm with them. Maybe I just haven't met the right man? Maybe I'm bisexual and just truly to justify why I haven't settled down when most people I know have.

    I guess I just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar and how they worked it out? I'm very confused. I know that labels aren't always important, this is just more about working out who I am. I don't think I can be fully happy until I accept myself. And so I feel like I need to work through this.

    Thank you for reading if you got to the end of this!
     
  2. paris

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    Hi Sari, welcome to EC :smilewave
    You suppress yourself to be with women and force yourself to be with men.
    How does it sound to you? Lesbian or bi?
     
  3. TheUglyBarnacle

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    You sound like a lesbian to me. Labels are only there to help you seek a partner by narrowing down the options. Don't fuss over them.
    To me it seems as though you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a man. Or even get serious with one. And I really see no sexual attraction there.
    Do try to see women as potential romantic interests. Internalised homophobia (it is homophobia that is wired in most people's brains because of social conditioning-usually that's what causes denial) is a hell of an obstacle. For example, I used to consider myself an outspoken "straight ally" yet in order to realise that I'm not straight I had to make myself look at women "that way" the first time. If you catch yourself looking at a woman, do not dismiss it. It's okay and totally normal. Your desires are something you should cherish, not avoid. It takes some time to get used to, but stop thinking about what you had previously imagined your future as. Appreciate the present and focus on embracing who you are. Do not suppress yourself.
     
    #3 TheUglyBarnacle, Oct 22, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2013
  4. lovely lesbian

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    Hello welcome yea I agree sounds like u a lesbian xxx
     
  5. Sari

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    Thank you for taking the time to read that and reply. It's reassuring to know that this isn't all just in my head and other people can see why I might be confused.

    I completely get what you mean about internalised homophobia. I have a lot of gay and lesbian friends and would class myself as being very supportive of them. It doesn't matter to me who somebody chooses to sleep with. But at the same time I've been brought up in a very traditional, religious family. So for myself it would be really hard to come out (if I do decide that I'm not straight); I would lose my family. It's one of the things I struggle with, and my upbringing makes me feel like what I'm feeling is 'wrong'. So although I can accept others it's not something I can easily accept about myself.

    The last week or so is literally the only time I've allowed myself to think 'I might be a lesbian' and unexpectedly I felt really happy. Like I know myself for the first time in a long time. But for some reason I'm finding it hard to fully accept it and am almost trying to rationalise my way out if it. I guess being a lesbian isn't how I've thought of myself for 28 years so to completely change that view will take time, if it actually is possible for me.

    When I think about having to tell people and the issues it'll cause I start getting scared. I guess that must be the same for everyone in this situation. I think I need to explore this a bit more before I even think about telling anybody. So it's nice to have somewhere I can talk about it.


    Thank you all xxx
     
  6. gamma

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    I feel you hun. It sounds like you're leaning towards women both sexually and emotionally, if this makes you fit the lesbian label I can't tell you, but I do hope you decide to be true to that part of yourself. Forcing yourself to be in a less than fullfilling relationship just b/c it happens to be the most social accepted way of living is not worth it.
     
  7. Sari

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    Hi Gamma, thanks for your response. You're right, I've never been in a fulfilling relationship with a man. They've been good relationships, but no 'sparks'. But because I've never had a relationship with a woman I guess it's hard to imagine what that would be like...and it's easier to equate relationships with men. This isn't making sense I know, my brain is in a complete mess right now!

    If you don't mind me asking, are you equally as attracted to men and women in the same way, or do you have a different kind if attraction to each?
     
  8. paris

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    Sari, try to read this but don't think you wrote this, imagine it's other person's story. Imagine this person is questioning if they are a lesbian or a bi and came to you for an advice. The person told you>

    about WOMEN
    I was always very interested in other girls.
    It was the women that interested me.
    Had a few experiences kissing and grinding a few female friends, and that was very exciting for me.
    I've only ever masturbated while thinking of women.
    I only get aroused if I'm watching lesbian porn/reading lesbian stories/thinking of women.
    I slept with another woman. It was amazing. This was the only time I've had an orgasm during sex.
    Sometimes I've found myself thinking about other women during sex (with men) and that's probably the closest I get to orgasm.
    I do have lots of female friends that I probably would sleep with.
    If I've found myself in a situation where I'm attracted to a woman I suppress it.
    Generally I notice myself spotting attractive women on a day to day basis.
    If I see a lesbian couple or read anything to do with lesbians... I'm massively intrigued. And usually quite aroused if they're kissing and stuff.

    about MEN
    Boys didn't even factor in on my radar.
    I never thought about them sexually.
    I've tried watching/reading straight porn but it doesn't do it for me.
    I don't get turned on thinking about experiences I've had with men.
    I've had sex with a number of men... It's never felt 100% natural to me.
    Even kissing them makes me feel shy and awkward.
    I've never orgasmed with a man.
    I don't think I've ever emotionally connected with a man on a sexual level or otherwise.
    I've never met a man that I can see myself having a proper future with.
    When I think of my future there isn't a man I picture it with.
    I've sort of fallen into most of my relationships when men have pursued me. I haven't pursued them.
    I've never felt emotionally or sexually fulfilled by a man.
    I can't connect properly with a man.
    I don't emotionally connect with men or orgasm with them.

    I know it's difficult (*hug*) but, please, try to be true to yourself.
    I really recommend you to read other people's threads here on the forum. We are all on the same boat. :icon_bigg (&&&)
     
  9. gamma

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    You owe it to yourself to be with someone who fullfills you, and I think actively exploring relationships with women is something that might help you figure it out. I know how it feels not knowing who you are when you don't know how to categorize your feelings, but overthinking and stressing about it too much might be counterproductive. For me personally, I try to just follow my emotions wherever they lead me. If I fall for a girl, great. If I fall for a guy, great. If it doesn't work out, I'll move on. If it makes me re-label myself, sure. It doesn't have to be so static, people change and come to new realizations about themselves constantly, what's important is how you feel now and staying true to that. Don't force yourself to be someone you're not. Right now, it sounds like you're more attracted to women, explore that! And if you meet a guy who you have that spark with, exlore that. Labels should help us, not restrict our lives.

    I am like you more attracted to women in general, but I have had that emotional connection and physical attraction to enough men to not label myself a lesbian atm. I don't feel sexually satisfied with men though, I'm rarely aroused by them and I get extremly bored with them easily, so I don't know if being with a man is right for me in the long run. A year ago I was sure I was going to end up with a guy, have his babies and live the typical nuclear family life, but ever since I accepted I like women the idea of ending up with one doesn't seem so wrong.
     
  10. Sari

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    Paris- Seeing it broken up like that was weird but I can see what you mean. My attitude towards women is so different to that towards men. And if somebody else wrote that I know exactly what I'd be saying to them. Thank you for taking the time to do that. I've been reading quite a few posts on the forum and it's amazing because I probably could've written a lot of them! It's really nice to know I'm not alone in how I'm feeling and that my confusion (and denial) is normal.

    Gamma- you're right. I guess a label isn't important and exploring this side of me might help me understand my feelings more. I guess I'm just so scared that I'll label myself a lesbian and then meet a man! But you're right, if that happens it happens. I hope that, like you, accepting that I like women will make it seem less wrong.

    I'm going to stick around on the forum and try to work through this. I do owe it to myself. The more I think about it (which is a lot recently) the more real it seems. Thank you all for your advice and thoughts. You've helped me feel less alone xxx
     
  11. lovely lesbian

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    You are never alone we are here for you if u need us it is confusing and scary but you will get there in time don't put pressure on yourself. X
     
  12. manisha

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    hi sari, well me being a gender queer myself yes sexual orientation can be phases also of what you need at the hour. feeling a closer connection like as if you melting to mercury types when you feel that it means sexually your inclined to women. well as depends on your social status if your a big person you cannot for sure as most of them dont like being open to it. however there are exceptions. Hope this is giving you a insight too..
     
  13. paris

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    Yes! "Maybe I just haven't met the right man?" What a classic sentence! :icon_wink
     
  14. Sari

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    Lovely lesbian- I really do feel less alone, and it's good to know I have people here who understand and are going through the same thing. I appreciate it so much!

    Manisha- I guess it could be a phase. So I probably need to explore it and see if it passes. It's just scary as you probably know too. I hope we can somehow work through the confusion.

    Paris- ah I'm not the first person to have thought of that excuse then?! It's what I tell my mother when she asks why I haven't settled down...!

    I suppose the next step is to meet women and see what happens. I just have no idea where to start! Although I am lucky- my city has a whole LGBT area. I also have to try and get over this mental stumbling block of feeling like my feelings are 'wrong'. I start thinking about being with a woman (physically or otherwise) get excited and then feel like I'm wrong to feel like that. Logically I know it's not wrong, how can it be when people can't help their feelings? I just can't fully accept that I feel this way. The brain is a funny thing :eusa_doh:

    And I'm not giving up on men just yet as ridiculous as that might sound :bang: