I need some help figuring out whats going on in my head please, I know its going to be a long post, but I just need to get this out of my head and have a second opinion. I am currently in a relationship with a woman that I have been in for almost 6 years, and I am engaged to her. a couple of months ago I had what may have been the "ah-ha" moment. I was at work and have never really thought that I had sexual fantasies, until i realized these two thoughts I let myself think so often I thought nothing of it. whenever I looked at girls I found attractive I always imagined what it would be like to be them... to be them sexually, and i envied it. or how often I thought of futanari or trannys. I had another moment recently where I realized that I was using porn to force myself to look at girls, I decided i would cut it off cold turkey, and felt good doing it, but then shortly after when I next (i still feel weird saying this all yet) pleasured myself I guess.. ill just say I decided to try a pack of lube and I went lower then I ever had (Ill just assume you get what I mean). it was an incredible but strange feeling, i did enjoy it definitely. after I was finished I couldn't help but smile, I accepted myself as gay and felt great about it, (back to confusion now). Thinking about my raw feelings, I'd say that I get little to no feeling anymore since the ah-ha day from women, but I don't really get turned on by the guys either, its like how its always described in kids movies, which could be why I never paid attention to it before, butterflied, getting flustered and dropping money at the till (which is getting really hard for me, they just think I'm a cluts and I'm paranoid they know what I'm thinking even though I know they don't) but there's always a but... I have never been with a guy, and I am still with a woman I feel myself growing a greater and greater distance from... and she has told me many times that if not for me she may not still be alive (she was depressed when i met her) and as of now, if I left her that would leave her in a job she just started, no friends anywhere in town, and parents that drive her nuts, and an anxiety condition that quite frankly is starting to affect me. And I do still love her, but to top it all off I'm not happy in the relationship anymore. Going through the motions if you will... Going through the motions - YouTube Now that I have read that over myself again, the hole sexuality thing makes scene, though I'd still like a second opinion. But the question remains where do I go from here.
That's a tough predicament your in, so it's probably best to figure this out step by step. Step 1: I would recommend looking into many different sexualities, since there isn't just two to choose from. Sexuality is a spectrum/scale, and people can fall anywhere on that scale. Once your 100% on who you are (you don't have to go by a label by the way) then things should be a lot easier for you. You could also experiment in different ways (I don't mean with other people while your still in a relationship. I mean like with porn and pleasuring yourself in ways like you said you did "Your right, it is weird typing that out lol". And just do different stuff like that to figure out who you are and what you like. Which leads to step 2. Step 2: Once step 1 is complete, then comes the hard part. You need to sit her down and discuss this. It won't be fair to either one of you if your living a lie. It may be difficult, but it's something you have to do. Also, you should look into getting her professional help, and let her know that you will still be there for her, BUT DO NOT SAY SOMETHING LIKE "It's not you, it's me". That will not end well for you. Just let her know how you feel and be honest and let her know that you still want a relationship with her, but you just want to have a good friends type of relationship. If you live your life as a lie, things will end horribly for you both, and neither you nor her deserve that (you should explain that to her as well), and the longer you live a lie (especially with her personal problems like anxiety affecting you) the worse it will turn out, but again follow these steps in order. I hope this helped. I honestly can't think of a better way to go about this then by following those two steps. Good luck, and post some updates. And let me know if you need any more advice if you think I can help.
It sounds like she is way to dependent on you for her emotional well being. In the beginning that probably made you feel needed but now I'm guessing that it makes you feel trapped. I'm probably the last person that should give you advice. I was engaged for three years. My fiancée was hurt when I started looking in the personal ads for guys. (She had been looking for girls.) Anyway, I empathize with you. If you are not committed to this relationship it may be time to start pulling away.
