Questioning my sexuality for the first time in my life...

I am a 33 year old woman who has NEVER questioned whether I was anything other than completely straight. I have never had any doubts about my attraction to men. However, I currently find myself sliding down a slippery slope where I am falling for one of my very best friends, who is a lesbian. Almost from the first second I met this friend, I felt a strong connection to her. We have very similar personalities and interests, so until very recently, I didn't consider that my feelings were anything other than the same kind of love I feel for any of my other friends. I’ve never had a romantic or sexual thought about another woman until now. But I've now admitted to myself that what I'm feeling for this friend is very different from those other friendships. I realize that I've entered a very dangerous territory of risking an important friendship for something that I can't explain or rationalize. Over the last couple months, I've stopped seeing the guy I had been casually seeing, and blowing off any other opportunities I’ve had to date other men. Instead, my friend and I have been spending much of our free time together, and there was definitely some flirting going on between us. There had also been a few times while watching movies where my arm would brush against hers or our thighs would touch, mostly accidentally, but I felt something (I don't know what) when it would happen. I'll admit that the initial flirting was initiated by me. My friend has always been very careful not to cross any lines with her "straight" friends for fear of making anyone uncomfortable. She's also stated to me that she avoids getting involved with straight girls, because she’s been hurt in the past. The last thing I want to do is hurt her if it turns out my feelings are a passing thing.

With that being said, things have become much more physical with us in recent days. What first began with some cuddling and caressing quickly progressed to kissing and then full-on make out sessions. We’ve been very intimate with each other short of have sex. She is mostly letting me take the lead, as she doesn’t want to push me into doing anything before I’m ready. I know without a doubt that I have the green light to initiate sex, and I feel like every day I get closer to taking that step. I’m not sure if my hang up is because I’m really not sure if I can actually go “all the way” with a woman, or just nervous because I’m completely inexperienced in being with another woman.

I have a few questions about this whole situation. Is it a good idea to proceed down this road and possibly put this friendship in jeopardy? My head tells me to stop, but my heart tells me to take the leap of faith. At this point, I think it would be just as much torture for me to have all the “what ifs” if I don’t take the chance, as it would if I do take the chance and end up screwing it up and losing her all together. Is it better to play it safe and maintain the friendship? As far as my sexuality goes…I don’t even know what to think. I am certain that I am not gay, as my attraction to men is very real. But does this make me bi? Is it normal for someone to discover this late in life that they aren’t as straight as they always thought? How can I have gone this long without realizing this about myself? Or is it possible this is a one-time occurrence. Outside of this one particular woman, I cannot imagine myself ever being attracted to a woman, much less having a relationship with one. :help:

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. To answer your questions, the answers are yes...and yes. I would be open to explore something more physical if it were just an experiment. I know she does NOT want to just be some straight (maybe bi?) girl's experiment, so in order to take the next step physically with her, I have to be absolutely sure. And I would definitely pursue a romantic relationship with her if sex were not part of the equation. If she had a penis, I wouldn't hesitate for one more second. I'm getting more and more comfortable with the idea of having sex with her. What originally was purely an emotional attraction has progressed to a sexual attraction. I definitely get turned on by her touches and kisses. I find myself daydreaming about her when I should be working, and anticipating when I'll see her again.

And I understand why you suggested a holiday. Some time apart would probably be a good idea while I try to make sense of these new-found feelings. But I really miss her when she's not around me. I know she feels the same.

I still don't understand why or how I've managed to fall for another woman when I've never been attracted before. I've had plenty of close female friendships, but the thought never entered my mind. Even if I'm willing to admit to myself that I am not completely straight like I've always thought, I'm definitely not prepared or willing to open up to any of my family or friends. I just don't know where to go from here....