I thought I was straight until I was 14. I had crushes on boys, the whole deal. The thought of sexual orientation never crossed my mind. I then read something about lesbians and it sparked the question in my mind - am I gay? I struggled with this for a couple of months, imagining myself with a man or a woman. I liked the idea of being with a woman better. I decided that that meant I was gay. I have never had a crush on a boy since. I fell in love with a gay girl a year and a half later. I was smitten but our relationship never got physical, and I saw her as 'the one' for a couple of years. It was a very dysfunctional relationship. A couple of years later, I fell in love with another girl and we had a very dysfunctional relationship, sexually and in general. I just got over the fact that we are never getting back together, and now I'm going through this weird thing. Aside from those two girls, I have had no interest in being with anyone else. And I'm now wondering if I'm even gay at all. I know I loved these girls and have never felt like that ever about anyone else emotionall. But I'm wondering if I really am supposed to be straight and have just repressed my interest in men because I thought I was gay. Is that even possible? Is this internalized homophobia? Am I asexual? I honestly have no idea. I'm okay if I turn out to be straight, gay, whatever, I just wish I knew.
Well, I know it isn't so simple as just picking a side. From what I'm going through, figuring out your sexuality isn't so black and white. There is a lot of grey areas. You have ash grey, charcoal, puce, cool grey, blue-grey, etc. I know in my case, I am figuring out that I am just attracted to the person. The gender doesn't matter to me as much. Maybe, you are gay because you feel more attracted to women, or maybe you were just attracted to those particular women, and there is a chance you could be attracted to a man in the future. That could be a possibility. You could be into both. I don't think you should worry so much about labeling yourself. I think you should just keep living and go with your heart. If you are walking down the street and a girl catches your eye, that mean you are probably attracted to her. Vice versa, if you see a man and are attracted to him, that doesn't mean you are now straight. From what I've learned through talking with others is that a persons sexual orientation can change several times through out his or her life. Not for all people, but for some. I wouldn't stress so much about whether you are straight or gay. Think more about what you are feeling for that person, not gender. I hope this helps a little. Good luck with everything.
