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Crossdresser. One of those late night "what am I?" posts

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tempneo, Oct 27, 2013.

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  1. Tempneo

    Tempneo
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    My thoughts are a little scattered but this is basically my GenderJourney of the past 2 months when I started the major soul search (I'm 19), along with related background story, I've proofread and retyped for almost 2 hours and gotten it as short and to the point as possible, this will be my first ever written account of my feelings, there's no purpose or question to this post specifically, just a step I thought was necessary in understanding myself. So if you don't enjoy a tl;dr story of someones life, skip this post but I have enjoyed lurking and reading everyone elses' so I figured someone might enjoy or benefit from mine, or possibly even have advice from a similar boat.

    I started this account about a month ago during my lurking not meaning for it to be anything more than temporary (probably to look at a picture or something.)

    I guess I will start with what I previously thought to be my orientation and why. I had gone through my experimental porn teenage years and just considered any crossdressing/gay stuff to be part of alot of testing the waters. So after all that I dated a few girls throughout highschool, each one I continually grew more comfortable with and did plenty of sexual exploring but I realized being in those situations is just far more stressful than enjoyable and I much preferred just normal strong friendships and lost all interest in sexual relationships so I have long kinda considered myself asexual for probably 2 or 3 years now.

    Recently my mom has told me if I'm gay she's okay with it (I have set off a couple of gaydar throughout the years as I've always been slightly feminine) I told her I don't think I am but thanks for being supportive. I never seriously thought much into it as I've never been attracted to a guy in real life and the thought of having a same-sex relationship throws me into a dysphoria of sorts.

    But ever since she mentioned it I started lurking and learning and I learned about all these different genders and how they completely open up my options to what I thought could be acceptable lifestyles I started dreaming up a relationship in which me and a guy friend (not a specific one as I'm not attracted anyone) have a friendship but when wanting to be sexual both having our female named and dressed alter-egos.

    So I was fine being asexual and not having an interest in dating until this idea came up about 2 months ago and it's all I can think about, I spend all my free time staying up late watching MtF youtube videos or lurking crossdresser pinterest or tumblr pages, putting a stuffed bra on and tying pretty fabric around me, dreaming of this guy out there I could meet and have this experience with, etc.

    This is like my first realizations of being gay, I mean I might have always been it, but I honestly never thought so and it's thrown me into this pit of thinking, been reading anything that seems anywhere near any of my thoughts, and just can't get a grip on the aspect, it like opens up a female me that has been lonely this whole time yet I've never realized it because I try to fit in one of the 2 cisgenders and my male side doesn't seem to experience sexual attraction, but after being reintroduced to crossdressing and learning of the gender spectrum I'm just so overwhelmed with it all and would love to start searching for this dream guy but have been out of the dating scene for years and can't even imagine jumping back in which is magnified by the fact that it's a whole new playing field. Guess I should work on coming out so this doesn't have to be all in my head. If you read through all this sorry to end it like a diary page, I just needed to get this out somewhere.
     
    #1 Tempneo, Oct 27, 2013
  2. Randomette

    Randomette
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    I'm not going to lie. I'm kinda not sure what to say here. But you've said this is a journey of exploration, and that sounds about right to me.

    If you've really been imagining yourself as another gender, you might be transgender. Or even genderqueer (something for you to Google). Or agendered or bigendered or whatever you feel like. I guess that's one thing for you to explore.

    Then you have your sexuality. It sounds like you're not sure how to interpret your desires in the context of your feelings about gender. Like it's all tied up in knots a bit, and you're not sure how to untangle things.

    This sounds like something you simply need to keep working on. I'm sure the people here at EC will help you on that journey, if you'd like.

    And if you find you're having really serious questions about your gender identity or sexual orientation that are causing you a lot of distress, then maybe you should consider professional help, somebody with experience working with gender issues and LGBT clients. Not that anything is wrong with you. You don't have to be sick to see somebody. Sometimes such people can just help you sort out your feelings. Might help to have somebody who really knows these issues who can help you figure things out.

    But I dunno if you have access to resources like that. Your mom seems supportive, though. Are you on her health insurance plan? You could just tell her that you'd like to talk to somebody to sort out some questions you have about yourself. Don't need to be more specific.

    If you do go this route, shop around for somebody who has experience with this. Don't be afraid to be upfront with what you want to talk about on the first session.
     
    #2 Randomette, Oct 27, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2013
  3. flatlander48

    flatlander48
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    People cross dress for a myriad of reasons. It ranges anywhere from being attracted to the look and feel of the clothes all the way to those who are truly transgendered and may be on their way to transitioning. At this point, it seems a bit early to tell where all of this sits for you. Seeing an experienced counselor can help to unravel this. Sometimes if we try to do things on our own, it can be difficult to tell what's important from what's not as it all may appear to be about the same. A counselor brings that neutrality and the perspective of "seeing" your stuff as opposed to you who are living with it.
     
    #3 flatlander48, Oct 28, 2013
  4. Tempneo

    Tempneo
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    tbh I had to give up, I would lurk forever, type up comments and spend half an hour rereading and editing until eventually giving up, and it's such an overwhelming thing to think about I'm going to try to put myself back on the asexual spectrum and revisit it another time hopefully, this is draining everything out of me, I need to use more energy on actually doing things. My brain fights itself in all social situations, I swear I make so much sense until it's outside of my brain, at which point I have a hard time understanding it. :tears:
     
    #4 Tempneo, Nov 1, 2013
  5. Starry Eyes

    Starry Eyes Guest

    I'm a crossdresser too and I consider myself genderfluid, and my sexual orientation is also asexual sometimes so we are in similar situations. I would say whatever "mode" you feel you should be in then try to be in that mode and not fight it.
     
    #5 Starry Eyes, Nov 1, 2013
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