Definitely bi...but maybe a real lesbian

Hey Emmers. There are a lot of us in your boat. We have that one guy who we've been with for a few years who makes us almost think we might like guys too, but everything else about us (including what we secretly want) says lesbian.

My third anniversary with my BF is on this Halloween. I do love him. I'm just not sure HOW I love him. He's my best friend, closest advisor, and confidante. But I'm not sure if I love him THAT way. We have the intimacy. I dunno about the passion. Sex is decent, aside from the usual (maybe telling?) complaint that I never initiate and sometimes don't seem interested, both of which are true. I've only ever really had sex with guys because I thought it would make them happy and make them enjoy being with me. I've never really gotten that much out of it myself, physically speaking.

And in terms of the kinds of relationships I reflexively think of when I fantasize about sex or consider my future, it's always lesbian. So I dunno. And yeah, thinking about lesbian relationships is increasingly occupying my thoughts. It's kinda like a part of me wants to claw its way out and express itself, so I can be "real."

That's my story. And it seems to have a few parallels with yours.

But I don't really have that many answers. The best I could come up with is that I probably am a lesbian . . . except for him. And that I'm probably not ready to end my relationship yet.

Maybe this is something that a lot of lesbians go through? Maybe some of us get so used to denying ourselves that we need to have a really good relationship with a guy to show us what we really want? Maybe we have to meet a special guy, one who does all of the things a man should do for a woman, before we realize that maybe men just aren't for us after all?

I dunno. I wish I had something more concrete for you. I guess I'll throw the usual "you're not alone" your way instead.

 

Hey Emmers. I was in your situation not too long ago. I realized about 3 years into the relationship that I was in fact a lesbian. I loved my boyfriend, but I didn't want to have sex, and no other men was really attractive to me. All I wanted was to be with a woman. And not just to have sex... I want a relationship as well. But leaving my boyfriend was too hard because I loved him so much. Hell, if he had proposed I would have accepted (probably best that he didn't). I also tried to get permission from him to let me be with women. It never really worked out. He wanted to watch, and that made me uncomfortable as I started to favor women more.

In the end, I broke up with him (after holding onto the relationship for another two years), and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I felt like a weight had been lifted immediately after the breakup. And I feel confident in my sexuality and free. Before I really felt chained down and like I was missing something and suffocating. And I was also confused. I didn't feel bisexual, but I also didn't fit the lesbian stereotype.

You're not alone.

 

I identify as bi and I can tell you that you don't necessarily have to feel the same about men and about women to be bi, you can be attracted to them in different ways.

Some people are quite specific about it and differentiate between romantic attraction and sexual attraction, so you will see some people identifying as, eg. bi-romantic, homo-sexual. Personally I don't want to analyse myself to that level - I'm attracted to both in different ways at different times, so I'll just call it bi.

My advice would be to ask yourself, will you be happy if you stay with your boyfriend for the rest of your life? Do you think you could be happier without him? If you could just have him as a close friend instead of being his lover, would you prefer that? If the answer to either of the second two questions is 'yes' then maybe it's time to end the relationship, but only you know the answer to that. Spend some time thinking about what you really want out of life.