1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Have I made a hastey decision?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SmokeandMirrors, Oct 27, 2013.

  1. SmokeandMirrors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2013
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, so I came out at the start of the year. Broke off from a 4 year hetro relationship. I always suspected I had an attraction to guys for over a decade and finally accepted that I was gay and ready to allow other people to know that information.

    Since coming out I have been on a few dates and also had a couple of whirlwind sexual encounters. To be perfectly honest, I think I've hooked up (only had sex with 2) with more guys in the past 8 months than I have girls in the past 15 years. The hetro relationships were all a shambles and never lasted bar the last one.

    Now, I've always been upfront and said that I still find women attractive almost from a vicarious position but I am not interested in getting involved with a woman again. I thought that I had this ability to see the attraction due to living that kind of lifestyle. However, I have recently been querying this in myself and it's knocked me for 6. Why do I still find women attractive?

    I know for sure that I certainly do not want to get into a relationship with a woman again at all. From previous experiences they really have not gone well and I think I have played with the fire enough there to know that I will get burnt. I am so happy that I had the courage to come out and have not regretted it at all. Having relations with guys feels so natural and right to me. It's just that I think that I could possible still have sexual intercourse with a woman but that alone.

    I'm really confused now and apprehensive as I feel like a fraud. I came out as gay to my friends and family yet I could potentially still have sex with a woman. It's almost as if I have put the last nail in the coffin of bisexuality and sent it on it's way (I did originally think I was bi). I'm just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences as now I almost feel like I'm a closet bi. Hate these identity issues.:confused:
     
  2. Saturn7

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2013
    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In orbit
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Hey there,

    So much of modern human behaviour just has nothing to do with reality.

    If you really want to think about it, labels, countries, nations...they just don't exist. There's no big fat red line between England and Wales, right? Not in reality.

    And so I move to say, you attached a label to yourself. But that label had nothing to do with who you are. The label was solely for the benefit of others. Nothing more than social constructs meant to categorize, identify and ultimately control you.

    It is known.

    In your case, I'd advise you to study into sexuality for yourself. Realise that it's not a black and white thing at all. It's a scale according to current understanding, and that seems to mesh with what reality tells me, at least.

    You're not anything other than you. If you want a label, use your name.

    You've already have all the answers as far as I can see.

    You prefer to be in relationships with men, but you are capable of finding women sexually attractive. Do you feel like you're betraying a label of 'gay'? Is that even possible? Will they stone you for it?

    What, exactly, would you gain from telling a family member, 'oh btw, I could totally pork some lass.'?

    It's your business, and unless you need to tell someone or it's important to, don't worry.

    You are you. That's all that matters. :slight_smile:

    Life is a journey, and constantly in flux. Perhaps later in life, you may find that you change your mind regarding women. You could totally go off them, or you might even want a relationship with them. I don't know what will happen. Do you?

    Maybe you've been hasty...but don't be hasty again in thinking that it matters. Life is complex enough without having to jump the hoops dictated by modern society.

    btw, hate to be an idiot, but 'fraud' is another label. A false one in your case.
     
    #2 Saturn7, Oct 28, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2013
  3. SmokeandMirrors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2013
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the reply Saturn, it's much appreciated.

    I think you hit the nail on the head with the 'betrayal of the gay label'. It's kinda because I'm anxious about the response I will get from my current friends now. I have a lot of female friends and I don't want them to think that I was putting it on to get close to them or have been sordid in my thoughts.

    You are right though, the labels shouldn't matter and I don't need to be explaining myself. I think I just committed to the label because it felt like the right things as I had became open about my attraction to men. The future is unknown and anything could happen. (It is known :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)

    I don't think I will be hasty again. I have been happier as a person since I acknowledged my feelings and will stay that way by doing it again. For the foreseeable future I will not be pursuing a relationship with a woman however, at least I will feel better not feeling like I am betraying myself by having attractions to women. They're there and they are not going away.

    Thanks a lot again for your input and outlook :slight_smile:
     
  4. sam the man

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Well I don't think I can match Saturn's great post, but here's my 2 cents :slight_smile:

    There's no real reason for you to abandon the gay label. Yeah, sure if you find that you could have sex with women, then technically I suppose that'd make you a bisexual-homoromantic, but first of all that's a mouthful :grin: and secondly, if you only feel a mechanical attraction to women, is there really any point acknowledging it in your label (note- your label, not anyone else's)? You don't want a long-term relationship with them, they're superseded by guys in your eyes... I think you're still on the right lines with the label you've given yourself.
     
  5. Saturn7

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2013
    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In orbit
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    It's not a competition, mate. If you can help someone and you want to help someone, you're a legend in my book. Nuff said.

    Additionally, you're a different person to me, and you offer useful advice from a perspective which I am unable to do. I learnt a thing or two from your post.

    This is a bit topical...but please bear with me.

    When someone is bullied or ostracised, you automatically seek safety. A group who will accept you, and you can be you.
    Labels are much like flags of nations. By being part of the label, you are within its protection.

    It makes sense. I think it's a natural social response.

    But like everything in the universe, it needs to be tempered and balanced. It's fine to have a sense of belonging...but when that belonging starts to stifle the freedoms and liberties of the individuals within it, then something is going very wrong.

    And it can happen for anything. Serious or trivial. I've had people insult me because I like both Fender Stratocasters and Gibson Les Paul guitars. Apparently, I have to pick one and hate the other, and my genetic lineage is faulty for failing to do so.

    Your real friends will stick by you.

    I'm a straight man. According to some, I'm supposed to be a superficial idiot who can only think about copulation and that every possible woman i encounter is a sexual conquest - and thus cannot be trusted.
    If so, why do my female friends ask me walk them home at night?

    You'll be fine, just take it at your pace. Perhaps this is a good opportunity to sort the chaff from the wheat. :slight_smile:

    I was going to try to include something witty about when Mr Martin would get on and complete his NEXT GODDAM BOOK, but instead I'm going to think about copulation.

    Mmm...copulation.
     
  6. SmokeandMirrors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2013
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Bloody labels ey?! I have enough of them as it is that are straight-lace without this one lol.

    You have both given me good food for thought and i'm glad I popped on to ask. It's been a while since I've posted on here, shame on me.

    It's true about the real friends bit. With all that's gone on this past year I have finally discovered those I can rely upon. It does grind my gears what you're saying about not being trusted as a man with women...yet as soon as they discover you're gay, well; "It's ok you can share her bed, it's not like you're gonna make a move". Would being straight mean that you would make a move otherwise?

    Mr Martin needs to get a jiggy on, I'm just onto the last published book now....then it's continuing on from where I left off watching the end of season 1.

    Copulation :lol: