Hello, first I must apologize that this is going to be a rather egoistical post. I have reached a certain point in my life where it's becoming obvious that my sexuality is more blurred than just being "straight" and I just don't know where I stand nor what I should go for. I should tell first that I am "gay when sexually aroused" and "straight the rest of the time". Guys simply don't do it for me in everyday life. I am attracted to femininity, I get all in love and mute in front of female beauty, it's something I don't seem to control. Now, when it gets sexual, I seem to derive no pleasure from women. The act is stressful, I don't feel like I'm wired to enjoy being active with a woman, it just doesn't make it. It feels empty, I feel like I am forcing myself all the time. However, I can remember since being very young fantasizing about males doing it with me, and I still fantasize about it about every time I masturbate or such. I have tried to repress it for a long time, but each time I got sexually excited, I couldn't control it and then I felt guilty, etc. I have recently learned to accept that I didn't control my preference in these matters and dropped the guilt. The problem remains that I just don't know what I should pursue in the future with that kind of undefined sexuality and romantic interest. Oh, also I like crossdressing and I frequently wish I had been born a girl. I don't know, maybe I'm just a low-life fetishist? A pervert insulting normal gays and trans by existing? I am not happy in straight relationships because I know that I can't satisfy the woman and I'm not actually interested in the sex with her. Unless I lie to her and pretend I enjoy the sex; put on a mask and play a role, while secretly fantasizing about males; I can only do that so far, I don't feel like it can be a sustaining relationship... I have never tried being in a relationship with a male, but it seems like the occasion never presents itself... it just seems like there is far less gay males, or I don't know... Anyway, I feel more and more that romance isn't for me. I am too ill-defined. I wish I knew for sure what my orientation was. I wish I could say "I am straight" and that sex with women felt naturally great for me. I wish I didn't have gay fantasies. Anyway, I rambled a bit. I'm a bit confused by it all. I've honestly been wondering if I shouldn't just drop all wishes of a romantic relation. I will hurt the women I'm with by lying to them about being attracted sexually to them; and I'll be hurting the men by lying to them that it is anything but sexual. In the end, I feel like a deeply narcissistic person in my sexuality. It is all satisfying myself, there is little place for the other person, it seems. (Oh, I'm 19, btw)
first, toss the guilt in trying to figure out your sexual and gender identity. These are complicated elements of your nature and they absolutely do not come with instructions. You're not a pervert. When you say you enjoy crossdressing, what do you mean? I was sexually aroused by buying a women's sweater, but that's not the same thing as necessarily enjoying cross dressing. I've also enjoyed wearing tight clothes and eye liner once or twice. What do YOU mean? I was also the same in terms of sexuality and romance. I am still romantically attracted to girls, and occasionally sexually, but I've swung wide to the men side since coming out and climbing over the barriers I erected around my sexuality. Sometimes you need to reach out to find dating opportunities with men. When I tried online dating with girls, it hardly registered a response. When I tried with men, they swarmed me. I literally had my pick. And that's not to say I'm some perfect 10, it's that the qualities that I chose to finally express and be comfortable with attracted people I was more compatible with. This might be a good approach for you. Put yourself out there and be honest. When you're comfortable with who you are and what you want, you exude confidence, and it will be en extremely attractive to the right types. Try and explore the sexuality of pleasing your partner. I felt the same way in my sexuality with women, I felt like I was on stage and being judged. With men? I felt like I was free to do what I want. That's an important difference, I promise.
I have never, no. Actually it could be said I haven't really been in a relationship with a girl either. I had a "fling" with a girl I talked to a lot on the internet. It was disappointing. And other internet relationships that I think got down because of my inability to get sexually intimate and enjoy it with the girls. I haven't had a similar thing with guys. I have had some flings with men from the internet and I really enjoyed them, naturally, without forcing myself, etc. I am sort of ashamed of them though, as they aren't really any sort of relationships. So, seeing as I have little experience with women and none with men when it comes to relationships, the first step already seems quite hard for me... First of all, thank you for that very sensible answer. I think I find myself naturally more at ease by being more feminine. It is a bit hard to explain. I have sort of formed a shell around myself and I appear very stoic and emotionless, which is typically seen as very masculine. But inside, I feel like I am extremely emotional, and in general, drawn to acting feminine, etc. From early years I remember crossdressing or being naturally attracted to the games my sisters were playing (dolls). I always sort of wished they would teach me make-up or that sort of stuff. It sort of stayed repressed up until now because I just found it weird. And with my changing body (being tall, some aspects of my face, etc, I don't think I'm that masculine, though), my voice which got deeper and my "personality", rather, my shell which got in place throughout these years of growing up, it just felt like I was trapped in my gender. So yes, to this day I still find a feeling of peace and adequacy while crossdressing, styling my hair femininely, experimenting with make-up, ... It all sounds rather silly to be writing this, I guess. I don't find it especially sexually arousing, although the two things have been linked. I don't imagine being turned on without picturing myself as a woman, or at least a feminine-like person. --- As for the online dating bit. I'm a very introverted person, I'm just not sure it would work, I guess. I don't know if such words are crude, but it's perhaps why I'm rather drawn by the sexual aspect of relationships (and why I see that it's clearly giving me no pleasure with girls), there is perhaps less... social interaction with it. It's more mutual satisfaction, call it what you want. But yeah, anyway. I'm not sure how to get into online dating. I'm not really sure if I should "come out" about anything? What would it change? Sorry, sorry for my long and a bit chaotic messages...
SO what is it about having a real relationship with a guy that seems so appealing? What makes you feel like you should sleep with a guy and then want them to leave?
