Its already been 5 years

Ever since I was 14 I've felt an attraction to the same sex, it was extremely slight and came about immediately after I first saw a pornography film. I stumbled across a gay video and instead of looking away I watched all the whild feeling wrong. It was simply two men kissing but I couldn't get the thought out of my head. For tge years following it got progressively worse and thoughts/fantasies became more common most of which were romantic and not entirely sexual. Throughout highschool I've dated at least 6 different girls but soon after entering the relationship I'd lose interest, usually a month afterwords PDA was also kept to a minimum. For a while I just I ignored any desires i felt weren't okay but recently I just can't see my self forming a healthy relationship with a woman anymore. I feel guilty for leading those girls on and ashamed I couldn't make it work with them. In the past year my feelings have surged especially in the presence of a particular someone, I just feel a magentic attraction to him and a desire to share what I feel. I don't live in the most accepting community and fear the reprocussions of admiting how I feel. Ive never posted this anywhere or told another soul about this but i was hoping for any incite at all. In all honesty I'm scared and pretty miserable feeling like this. Thank you for your time.

 

I'm trying to come to terms with it, I have my moments where I accept it and I feel happy but I live in a predominantly conservative community. I can't count how many times Ive had to laugh at a fag joke or else its me that's being weird. I don't think my friends are bad people just ignorant of the fact I can't help but feel the way I do. I just want to be comfortable with who i am but for some stupid reason unknown to me I'm having a hard time doing it