I'm going to apologize in advance for this being very long... But here it goes: I'm a 17 year old girl who is a senior in high school... And I'm very confused about whether I'm a lesbian, bi, or I'm just straight and curious, but I could use any advice you have! I'll start with a little background: So this all started in about august when one of my good friends told me she was a lesbian. Don't get me wrong I have absolutely no problem with LGBT and I believe that they should have complete equal rights. But before this I had only had one "real" boyfriend. We went pretty far, but we broke up after 6 months. When I hung out with him I still got butterflies and he made me really happy.. But I just didn't love him and one day all those feelings just fizzled off. Before this all happened I have had many "things" with guys and a ton of crushes and have always considered myself straight... Until now when I'm questioning everything.. I'm not exactly sure when my curiosity or confusion started but I do know it was right around/after my friend told me she was gay. I started just kind of pondering the idea, and soon found myself just admiring the female body. It turned into looking at their asses, which I seem to do a lot of now. I have no idea why they fascinate me, but they do. At first I had no sexual thoughts what so ever, but then it came into question on whether I was a lesbian or not... And that started to freak me out. I began imagining myself grabbing other girls asses or touching their boobs, and it didn't feel like a good thought, but it also didn't feel like a bad one either. Since then it's escalated to consuming my entire thought process. 24/7 I am frantic over whether I'm a lesbian or not, what it would like to hook up with a girl, etc. I'm starting to become extremely uncomfortable around my friends that I've had for years because I'm afraid I might be attracted to them, or become more interested in girls. I'm extremely distraught over what is happening. It's all I ever think about.. Obsessing over whether I'm a lesbian or not... I can't think about anything else. I get so annoyed and so frustrated I make myself sick and worried and want to throw up. The thoughts range day to day minute to minute. Sometimes I know I'm just curious and I can see myself marrying a man and being in a relationship... And other time I'm convinced I'm 100% gay and the thought of dating a guy makes me feel vey awkward. Or anything in between.. The thought of being all cute with a boyfriend makes me uncomfortable.. But I also cannot picture myself dating a girl either. When I see a pretty girl I think I automatically force my mind into thinking of her as a sexual interest instead of "oh wow, I like her hair" or "she has nice legs". It's turned me into thinking that every time I think a girl is pretty or hot that automatically means I'm a lesbian. I just have no idea what to do. I can't focus in school anymore, or on my sport which I'm going to a d1 college for next year. Having a boyfriend doesn't repulse me by any means... I just can't picture myself having a boyfriend which freaks me out at the moment because all my friends are obsessive over them. I have my own theory's of why this May have stared, because although I am fully aware that you don't chose your sexuality, I really don't want to be a lesbian. I have no problem with them... I've just always seen myself marrying a man and having kids until recently. When I over think this... It turns into way more... I'm not sure but I guess I feel more of an emotional connection to girls.. More appreciation. Sometimes I think they're way more attractive than guys, and vise versa. But I can't picture myself in any kind of relationship at all. I have no idea what to think of myself. I have NO CLUE what's going on. A few other facts or info that could help: My parents are 100% accepting of gays so they would have no problem if I was a lesbian. I also said earlier I'm a senior in high school and am entering college next year... I've had separation anxiety issues in the past and am already nervous about going to college. I feel like I'm having a (not so mid) life crisis because I'm stressed about everything to the point where I can't sleep. I've had anxiety since I was 12 but have never had depression. My mom is also booking me to see a therapist but I honestly don't think I can take my frazzled brain until then. I guess my ultimate question would be does it sound like I'm definitely gay, or just curious? I've never done anything with a girl and before 3 months ago had absolutely 0 desire to be close with any girls in that way. Did it have anything to do with my previous relationship? (Which after that I became worried I wouldn't be able to fall in love with anyone which is weird because I've only been in one relationship before). I also get extremely paranoid that my peers at school think I'm a lesbian or see me looking at other girls butts. This sounds very strange but usually it's not even sexual thoughts I'm just kind of admiring the female body... And then force myself to think subconsciously that makes me a lesbian and then the cycle continues. It also freaks me out that I can't picture myself in a relationship with a guy(or a girl) with out it feeling awkward... Is that normal? Thank you so much in advance for any advice and if you have any questions/want any other info pleas feel free to ask! Ps I'm also a gymnast and convince myself I can't be around the younger girls because I might be a lesbian... Ugh I'm so confused...
First off, from what you mentioned about thinking about grabbing other people, that's normal. They're called intrusive thoughts. Lots of people have them. It's the same as when you see someone walking down a flight of stairs and picture yourself tripping them. You'd never act on it, but it bugs you. Second. Don't you ever dare care about what other people think. You are who you are and that's the only person you'll ever be. If they can't accept that, then quite frankly, fuck them. Third. No one can say who you are besides yourself. I mean, if I were you I'd consider myself at least bi. But who knows. Fourth. It's okay to be confused, you don't have to decide what your orientation is. I'm gonna come right out and say it, but I have fantasized about giving oral to men. It used to scare me, but now I realize it's just how I am. Anyway, I'm sorta rambling, and don't know if what I've said will be of any help, but I want you to know that no good person will judge you for your choices, and therefore you shouldn't be so quick to judge yourself. Finally, as I mentioned earlier, you sound like you're describing intrusive thoughts. They range from mild to very disturbing, but they're just that. Thoughts. Don't let them get to you. Look at your actions, and not your thoughts.
