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You know how they say "deep down, you know"?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by wildfang, Nov 1, 2013.

  1. wildfang

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    ...but I have no idea what my heart of hearts knows :bang:

    Heya there EC.

    So...I think the urge to utter the following may be rather Tegan&Sara-induced.... I went to their concert last night and am still rather high on the buzz :eusa_danc XD

    I introduced myself kinda a few months ago, but haven't posted since on what's really bothering me, but I feel like I have to pull the guts together to actually speak out about it. To someone. I need the feeling that there's someone listening who understands and won't judge right now. Even if no one reads this XD

    I'm just, struggling lately. At least I've admitted to myself a while ago that I'm seriously questioning my sexuality. I hope it's not me convincing myself that it's right, in some twisted way (does that even make sense)...but, the more I hesitantly think to myself "I'm gay" it makes sense in a way. Then again, I can't bring myself to say it with confidence???

    I've been a tomboyish gal since I can remember. Around 8-10 yrs old I wanted my hair cut short like my brothers, was never into girly things, always played some warrior or guy in make-believe games, and at first I really hated puberty when it came round :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    However, I'm comfortable being a chick - it's not gender confusion because I'm 100% sure I don't want to be a guy.

    Still... I grew up in a VERY remote/isolated location, school at home etc, and didn't have much social contact with others my age regularly. At all. For the last half year I have though, I've jumped right into big city life in a different country and maybe my hormones are just playing crazy because I'm suddenly around so many other young people?
    That being said, I don't see guys a lot. I joined a women's soccer team so I hang with other girls mostly (I have to mention here that there is a lesbian couple in one of the teams I went to training camp with, and everyone seemed so...normal, and honest, and it was rather beautiful and positive and kind of further opened my eyes figuratively speaking). And I do work with lads in a pub, but if I'm honest I haven't really been seeking out contact with men, nor do I really want to. I don't have too much experience with them, true that, I had a semi-boyfriend/awkward best friend thing back home but that was it. There's a question that nags me related to this point - what if I'm turning toward girls because a couple of guy relationships didn't work out? But I kind of know deep down that that's bullcrap.

    I'm also not too actively seeking good female friends, although I go on a lot of events and stuff with other chicks I know - I don't lack the social skills, but maybe it's the insecurities I harbour about the same gender that make me not pursue getting closer to some people.

    But then I feel lonely and blegh. My relatives I live with here are alright, but I frequently feel misunderstood - and I definitely don't know them well enough to open up about issues like this. Heck I wasn't even this close to my parents.... I've always been a very independent person who projects an air of confidence and leadership. Something you, dear EC strangers, will by now have recignized is pretty much a facade XD
    I'm a boiling pot of food for thought underneath, pardon the pun. YAY FOR ANONYMITY

    On with the actual story..

    A year ago I met someone on the internet who became a very close friend, who was also in the process of coming to terms with bisexuality, and I began feeling stuff for her that I quickly interpreted as a strong crush. Maybe it was her talking about being bi that made me consider my own sexuality seriously? That messed with my head and heart for a long while, until recently it kind of solved itself - I never spoke up about anything, then she got together with a female friend, and although I felt insanely jealous for a few days, and still do, I'm also happy for her and at least it forcefully put an end to any possibility of mutual whatever. And put a damper on my crush.

    Now where am I? If the insecuritues had been dashed along with said crushing, I guess that would have meant it was all just in my head. But - I'm still checking out other women :confused: ...maybe even more than before. I'm finding girls incredibly cute. As I said before, maybe dancing wildly to one of my fav bands in the middle of a big 95% lesbian crowd has influenced me to be blurting this all out now... I don't know.

    Also, may I mention how awkward I've always felt soccer locker room/team showers are. Yelp.

    Speaking of soccer, I'm failing at practice and games lately, every little mistake brings me down so much more I have to fight not to cry while training. The coach says it's because I'm not concentrating. I'm also having trouble getting organised and somewhat with getting motivated to do other things, plus I tend to worry bigtime about future education/life/career path, but that can't be affecting even my football playing..... everything and nothing. I don't have any history with anxiety or anything, although I went through a lot of grief earlier this year where I turned into a crybaby for a while... but could this maybe be the famed mysterious scary thing known as denial??? Am I really discovering something about myself that's gonna impact my life bigtime?

    I'm not sure how to conclude this, there's so many thoughts rushing around and everything is so open. Do I open up to the aforementioned friend? She might be the best person to talk to, and kind of "safe" now that she's with someone. But also the worst maybe.... I don't want to make the friendship awkward.

    I'm aware that there aren't any answers to many of the questions I ask. Any advice however is hugely appreciated tho... or however you're dealing with if you're going through something similar. It feels good to have a rant off my chest, as it were - but I'm also afraid I'm admitting something to myself when I'm not even sure I know if I'm being truthful to myself... You know? :/

    Thanks for listening EC... :confused:
     
  2. momart

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    Hey there!
    I'd just like to let you know that you're not alone. While I'm not in any position to offer any major advice all I can say is that I do know that feeling where you feel like there's something inside you and "I'm gay" seems to be the only words that make sense, or that bad experiences with guys is suddenly your reason for turning to women ( and knowing that that's bullcrap :L).
    I'm only discovering (or at least I think I am) that I am attracted to women. You seem to have accepted this a lot easier than I have so kudos! ^^
    I'm sorry I couldn't be more help
     
  3. UIOP

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    Hi!

    I never really know what to say to other people as advice but, if it helps, I'll tell you about when I questioned my sexuality and how I coped with it.

    Similar to you, when I questioned my sexuality, I became a more upset whenever anything went wrong, even if it was small. But it really tore me up and made me depressed for the first time in my life - my gender dysphoria was already burdening me and sexuality just pushed me over the edge. I would like to add that gender and sexuality are different so you can always have one without the other. I just thought I should add that in there :slight_smile:

    In terms of attraction, I had no idea what I wanted and it was really confusing. At first, I was strongly attracted to women but I became more and more attracted to men (I'm a biological man, by the way). Eventually, I accepted that I was bisexual. I grew comfortable with that. I later questioned my sexuality again and I found that I am now definitely attracted to men (I have a crush on a guy as well) and I realised that my attraction to women was just... almost 'made up', I guess. I never found a girl who I was attracted to for more than, say, a month or so and I often 'changed my mind' about which girls I was/wasn't attracted to - I could be attracted one day and completely repelled the next. I didn't realise this until I felt 'real' attraction to a couple of guys. Now, I know I am gay and I've accepted this. Well, I still question myself but it is not so severe now.

    So, for me, it was going from 'I'm starting to question if I'm straight' to 'OMG, I'm totally gay!' It took me since August until now to be able to figure myself out but I know it can take a lot longer sometimes, eventually things will become clearer for you though.

    To be honest, I have no idea how I coped with the stress of it all. I also had a lot of spare time to think back then so it was hard to bring myself to do anything other than question myself. But I did try talking about it - it sometimes helps to talk to someone else about these things. I went on EC and ranted about it (as you can probably tell, from the length of my reply :wink:) and I also made myself an imaginary friend to speak to about it. A little crazy but it did work! Another thing I did was I went to many large towns and cities and looked around and saw who I thought looked attractive and who I thought didn't. It sounds so creepy when it's written down. It's not really creepy, it just sounds bad :bang:

    That's my experience of questioning sexuality and how I dealt with it. I don't know if that's helpful to you or not but returning back to you...

    With soccer, every player has their ups and downs. That's the way the sport goes. If you feel like your performance is being brought down specifically by your questioning, then it probably is and that's to be expected. Questioning your sexuality can be a very confusing and stressful time! However, it could also just be that you're a little down on your luck at the moment. Little mistakes always hurt... if you have had a lot of them recently, then try to remember that it's better to make little mistakes than to make massive mistakes in life. And it will get better eventually, just keep trying.

    I don't know if being with lots of bi/lesbian girls could create the spark to make you question your own sexuality but I personally don't think that you would feel this way just because those around you are.

    About coming out to your friend, if it feels like something you want to do and are ready to do, then go for it. It's normal to be scared. In fact, I'm currently trying to come out to a friend but I am too scared to do it. Maybe you should take some more time to think about how your friend might take it, if you don't feel comfortable coming out to them yet.

    That's about everything I can think of to say. Sorry for the HUGE post, hopefully some of it's helpful to you. Good luck!
     
  4. biggayguy

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    You sound like Alice looking down the rabbit hole wondering how far down the rabbit hole goes. When I started to accept my sexuality as not straight I sounded a lot like you. It can be a bit unnerving to not know where this journey to discover your sexuality is taking you. If you believe in prayer you could ask for guidance. If there is someone you can trust, I would talk to them.
     
  5. MyChemRomance

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    Well, what you need to do FIRST is tell someone your problems. Mum, dad, brother, sister? Tell them your feelings, then you can go and find more support. Even if you're not sure on your sexuality, you need to tell someone!(*hug*)
     
  6. wildfang

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    Aww thanks yous!! It means a lot that you took time to answer, especially with long replies (&&&)

    No seriously, thanks, this was a load of help. You've described precisely how I'm feeling and it's comforting to know I'm not alone. (*hug*) And good luck to you too :slight_smile: x

    Whooo, UIOP!!! Thank you so much for writing all that :eek: And my reply is prolly gonna be long-ish too, I'm a ranter as well :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    yeah, it's not a gender issue I don't think. But yes, it's sooo confusing.... I know I've crushed on guys in the past, hard even, as I said before I have some limited history with a boy - but I'm so unsure if the feeling I have for girls is actually much, much more. And I want to know, but at the same time I'm so scared...
    XD I also have aloooot of time on my hands, if I get too stressed with it all I usually run or kick a ball or something or scrawl lyrics over my walls :lol:
    I get more and more convinced that my poor performance in my sport atm is closely related to my emotional state... heh, I'm so confused and jittery about what's constantly running through my mind that I can't. Then again.... I read the replies to this this morning before my game, and was feeling more positive about it, almost happy even in a scary kind of way....and then guess who shot her season debut goal?????!!!!! (!)
    I'm not superstitious, but what if that's a sign? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: haha

    And meeeep, I'm too anxious to come out or anything -- I'm still questioning so awkwardly, I don't think it'd be coming out even.. I did mention my possibly-questioning-fears briefly to another best friend of mine, because she has a lesbian sister and I thought I could talk to her about it but she's very religious and I think disapproving so I never brought it up again.. :/

    Thanks so much for your input!! *huggle*


    That simile is totally spot on. I'm nervous, but I totally want to know, and if yes, to what degree I'm "gay"..... >.> meeep.
    Thanks! =))

    Thanks for the advice!! :slight_smile: I'm not too close to my parents or family in sharing thoughts kind of way though.... plus I'm half a world away from them atm and if I think back on things they've said in the past about homosexuals that it's possible they'd react negatively......
    I'll think about talking to my friend again. But she's the only one I have atm and I'm so afraid of damaging our friendship...
    Also, what if I talk to someone, when I'm not even sure of my sexuality, and they say what they think and influence me that I'm straight/totally not straight, when it's really the other way round!?!?! :confused:

    .....am I thinking about this too much. My head hurts. XD :S
     
  7. sparkly glasses

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    I could have written virtually all of that about myself so you're certainly not alone. Whatever triggered it I'm glad that you did feel the need to put it out there - just reading it has helped me too so thanks for that.

    I think there's always been a part of me that's known I was attracted to women but it's just never really come to the surface until the last couple of years. Around the time I was seriously considering coming out someone else who I saw a lot told me and a couple of other people that he was gay. That made me think about it even more but in a strange way kind of set me back as I didn't wan to just look like I was copying him...yeah, I know how pathetic that sounds now.

    I used to play in a football team too so can identify a lot with what you say there but for me the place that it really affected me was at work. For a while, when I first met my girlfriend especially, it felt like there was no room in my mind for anything else other than wondering if I was a lesbian and working out how I was going to handle things. I even completely over-analysed that and gave myself a hard time for turning it into such a big deal when I felt it really shouldn't be. My mind was going over and over thinking that I was being so silly about it all because I wasn't the first person to realise I was attracted to the same gender.

    Because of that I also found myself making silly little mistakes or just not being able to concentrate. There was one day where I remember realising that I'd spent over an hour just staring at a computer screen. It got to the point that others were noticing, but definitely not being nearly as critical as I was of myself. Eventually I figured the best thing to do was just to tell my boss so I wrote him a big long email. That really helped me feel more able to be myself while explaining what was going on. Maybe it's worth saying to your coach?
     
  8. wildfang

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    SO. MUCH. THIS.
    I was skyping my bi friend today and I almost - almost!!!! - started mentioning something that could have led to me telling her everything, but I couldn't do it. I can't make myself tickle that risk of her reacting in a completely unexpected way and losing that friendship, it means soooo much to me. But I need to tell someone :tears:

    Yeah, the not concentrating is killing me. Not literally, but I'm stressing so much only about the FACT that I'm not concentrating on stuff and I have film school auditions coming up in the next few months and it's sooo the wrong timing. But whatever it is, I have to try get it out or come to terms with it now. I've briefly considered talking to my coach....... but I don't know him too well, I only moved here a bit more than half a year ago. Sigh..

    Then I'm scared that I'll say or do something that I'll regret later - I'm not sure of what exactly I feel, what if I come out and everything's fine and then I realize it's all the wrong way round and I'm not gay????? Except I really really doubt I'm fully straight. I just can't be sure of anything anymore :frowning2:

    Belated thank you sososo much for your input (*hug*)