Hi, I always thought I was straight. I like boys but my sex drive is just dead all the time and I can't even kiss my boyfriend without feeling sad or guilty. Always. I've told him about my confusion and he's made me feel better, but the feelings are on and off and I'm so miserable I want to end it sometimes. The thought of suddenly being something I never knew is so damn scary and if I'm in the wrong place, I'm sorry... Okay, I was okay until I was at the gym with my older sister. This lesbian girl starts talking loud enough for me to hear about what she wanted to do to me. When my sister came back from cleaning the machine, she saw how disturbed I looked. She said some pretty weird things. WEIRD RUDE THINGS. Things people who are REALLY okay with each other and the kinky in bed kind of stuff. I never had a woman, much less a man speak to me in such a manner. When she tried talking to me face-to-face, I ran because I got really scared. Well, it's been almost a year now and I'm still freaked out and confused. I tried a therapist but that didn't work out very well. When I think about guys, my sex drive it grows but dies... When it's about women it's not really there at all, but when something sexual with a female comes out of nowhere, I'll feel something tiny (same with guys but I don't freak out) and start freaking out. Lately, I've been trying to force myself to accept being a lesbian. I stand in the mirror and tell myself over and over I'm a lesbian. I even tried to go about my day, trying to accept being one but five minutes later I'm questioning and confusing myself again. It feels wrong and makes me even more anxious when I force myself to think about girls and I get a small response. I have rituals where I look at porn just to see if I'm into the woman's body. I think about girls all the time and pretend to be kissing one to see if I like it. I don't want to live a lie. What if I'm a lesbian and I don't know it? I've heard stories where people had no idea until later and they were perfectly okay with it! I'm really scared... Can someone help me? I'm no homophobe; some of my good friends are gays and lesbians. One of them knows and he thinks I'm being silly, but I don't know. If I'm not lesbian, why is this cycle of torturous confusion keep bothering me? I don't know who I am anymore and it makes me cry to think that I'm suddenly a lesbian... I don't want to piss anyone off, but I really need to know. I need help. I really want to go back to the times before that lesbian girl messed with my head. If it helps, I LOVE yaoi and two boys kissing really turn me on. I tried yuri; the plot was nice, but I just wasn't into it as much. I felt a slight tingle, though. Does that mean something? Help...
" Lately, I've been trying to force myself to accept being a lesbian. I stand in the mirror and tell myself over and over I'm a lesbian." Well stop doing that for starters! The only thing you can say for certain at the moment is that you're not really interested in guys, but from what I've read you don't seem interested in girls either! No point telling yourself you are a lesbian any more than there is telling you that you're straight! What is it about yaoi you like? Do you go for the soft lovey stuff or the more...sexual stuff? What is it about TWO guys you like, but the thought of one puts you off? Most importantly. How do you feel about yourself? Is it possible that you just can't picture YOURSELF in any of these situations and so it's easier when it's other people? Just some things to think about!
You could try going back to the gym to find "lesbian0" and develope a vaccine? kidding kidding!! I like a bit of yaoi too but mostly yuri. Howevrr I don't feel gay even though there are some guys i'd lime to cuddle with ( maybe even kiss a bit) >.> It's this weird thing that happened whete I was chatting with this boy and I think he kanda liked me so I was flirting with him just for the fun of it and started to actually care about him romantically. It is a bit scary. I don't know if that relates to your situation, but there it is.
