Hello Everybody, This is my first thread, not only on this site, but ever. I've never belonged to an intimate online community like this, and I want to thank you for reading my post. If there is one thing in this life that human beings have a limited supply of, it is time. I appreciate yours, and hope that I can repay some of mine here. I know that this will be a little lengthly as I enjoy writing and I can be a little self-indulgent when I do, so my deepest apologies in advance. On to my story: I have very recently come to the conclusion that I am most probably bisexual. I am sure that I have known this all my life, if I'm honest. It is so strange to me (having a pretty liberal Mum and quite a few gay and bisexual friends) that I should be so hesitant to admit this to myself sooner, but there you are. I am 25 years old. I have never so much as kissed a girl, unless you count early childhood games with a slightly older girl who lived next door. My straight friends often found it odd that I had never kissed a girl, as they all have. During my early teenage years I enjoyed several short-lived relationships with a very diverse range of boys. I loved quite a few of them, for my part. I have never been very shy around boys, yet on the one occasion during my early teens when a beautiful girl asked me to kiss her, I found myself clamming up, completely unable to speak to her, and I fled from the situation in agony. My teenage years for the most part were a dark time I will not enter into here. There have been many instances throughout my time at university where I found myself deeply attracted to women, their delicate skin, soft hair, subtle bodies... there is an almost haunting magnetism that certain women hold for me, something I find hard to forget. I used to think that perhaps it was mystical feminine bonding, or simply the aesthetic appeal of the female form that drew me. But I think deep down I knew how untrue those excuses were, especially when I could sense my attraction was not always unrequited. One of the reasons I've never acted on these attractions since becoming aware of them is that for the past seven years I have been in a wonderful loving relationship with a man whom I care for very much. He is more than a lover to me, he is my best friend and my rock, and in many ways he even fulfills the role of father for me. He has been a very positive influence on my life, and I want to continue loving him. I'm aware of the fact that I am submissive sexually, I am something of a masochist. My partner is unfortunately not inclined towards this lifestyle, but I have nonetheless found the courage to talk with him about this, and he has been very kind (even making attempts to accommodate my fantasies to some extent). However, I am afraid to discuss my possible bisexuality with him. I suppose that up until now, I haven't even discussed it with myself. I am afraid that he will misinterpret my intentions, I don't want him to think that I do not desire him, or no longer love him. For about a month now, I have been trying to tell him, while wondering if I even should. I know that he loves me, and I love him. Arguably, my being attracted to both men and women is irrelevant to our relationship. And yet I feel like not telling him is wrong. It implies shame, and I don't want that. I cannot on principle keep this secret from him. Any advice on how or if I should speak to him about this would be greatly appreciated. Really, any life advice at all would be appreciated... I feel so very lonely and afraid of never truly knowing myself. This is the first time I have ever communicated with anyone about my sexuality. Thank you. ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2013 at 03:10 PM ---------- PS: I'm aware that this thread might have been more appropriate in the 'coming out' topic as summoning the courage to discuss my sexuality is such a huge issue for me... but as I'm still struggling with my own perception of myself, and my own identity as bisexual, I felt it was more appropriate here. Apologies for any confusion.
hey, ill explain my story in short, similiar position. i had a girlfriend i was ending things with, i met another girl, her named started with R, im bisexual leaning gay but R was probably the most beautiful 'being' i had ever seen, something bout everything she did! i was weak though, physically and emotionally, so i lost my chance. i had so much things goin on in my life but the reason to why i was so weak was because i was heavily questionin my sexuality when i met her. i missed my chance, i started to become 'stuck' and it effected my personality. just couldn't talk or look people in the eye durin this time period it was like i was under a microscope and they could see in my soul. so id say its good your on the journey to accepting this. you've skipped the 1st step. next step is to tell your partner you've discovered something about yourself, and you want his support, and you do not want your loving relationship with him to be shadowed and haunted by a feature about yourself that is simply, just there. goodluck. i would like to say, the best way to go about things is with confidence, even if you feel like you dont have it because its putting you through a crisis, its okay, you need to know and believe it will all literally pass sooner or later and you'll feel back to your good old self
Thank you lowkey for your reply. You're right about this being something I shouldn't let overshadow our relationship - I suppose I can pick at my thoughts for a few more months and it won't necessarily change my position for the better, if anything it will probably make things worse. Really the best thing is probably, as you say, just go for it and channel the confidence I do not feel I have. But I suppose I'm scared of vocalising my thoughts about women to the man in my life because I'm afraid he won't understand. After all, I have only my thoughts and feelings to testify to the fact that I may be bisexual. I have never acted on them, as to have done so would have been to have cheated on him. I sincerely hope that you yourself are more confident now than you were with 'R' and that you are finding fulfillment in your relationships. P
