I would like to start by saying that it is a great thing, what this website is doing/stands for so keep it up and keep on living on. I am posting in this section because recently i have been experiencing some rather intrusive thoughts about my sexual preferences. I guess I should start by saying that I am 25 years old, male and will now go into a bit of history with regards to my sex/personal life. When I was quite young I was preyed upon by an older child (male) who basically molested me and made it seem like it was an ok thing to do. I indulged this individual in this behaviour because I thought it was right and "normal". This went on for a few months until my family moved to another area. I quickly made friends in this area and proceeded to attempt to reenact what had been done to me with other children (m/f) in my age group (9-10). I began to suspect that this type of behaviour was not normal and so kept it "secret" (along with those I practiced with), this led to feelings of guilt and embarrassment. At the age of twelve one particular boy and I practiced mutual masturbation together, this went on for about two months. During this period we would look at pictures of naked females to become aroused. Fast forward a year and a bit to the age of fourteen. I had my first girlfriend and on going sexual relationship with a women. This women was also who I lost my virginity to, this is particularly embarrassing because it came out in the wash that she was a rather promiscuous individual who was having sex with my cousin on the side. Needless to say the relationship didnt last very long. During and after this time right up until the age of about 18 I had various sexual encounters with women , some deep and meaningful, some nothing more that a product of opportunity. At this age (18) I was working in a trade (electrician), my boss at the time sat me down and asked me if I was gay pretty much in front of all the other blokes I worked with, I denied it and was embarrassed as fuck and a little hurt. I was also the culprit of a quite severe car crash at this time and my passenger (female) was fairly badly injured, this stressed me out to no end. I began to question everything about myself, from the way I walked to the mannerisms I used to the music I liked, I lost all confidence in myself, did I look gay? did people really think I was gay? these are the questions I began to ask myself. I lost interest with women, had little to no time for my mates and when I did go out I always got absolutely shit faced. Between then (20) and now (25) I have suffered from depression and anxiety, I have lusted after women but not as many as I would have in my younger years. I went through a massive dry spell, about a year, which was only broken when I met my current girlfriend, who I am with now. We have been together for the best part of two years and have lived together (circumstances dictated this) for the majority of this time. After our first sexual encounter she told me she had a boyfriend who lived in another state, I tried to break it off but couldnt keep away, I felt so alive and invigorated by her. She broke it off with him not long after and the two of us have been seeing each other ever since. Although I will admit she isnt the most attractive person in the world (neither am I) she is a unique individual who has provided me with love, support and affection, she inspires me to be confident and believe in myself and I love her for it. On the sex front, we started out like most new couples having sex three or four times a day and that has dropped off now to maybe 3-4 times a week (both busy people). About three months ago I was standing in line at a post office and out of nowhere I had this feeling like I was going to faint, I thought to myself (I need to get the fuck out of here) and pretty much ran out the door. After this I started to have panic attacks on a regular basis and ongoing social anxiety. It got so bad once that I couldnt walk down the shops. Over the last month the thought of being gay has popped into my head and will not leave. It is on my mind constantly, I have talked to my partner about this and she is being very supportive. We still have sex (3-4 times a week) and I have no problems performing (unless ive had a lot to drink). I have tried looking at gay porn several times and have not been able to gain an erection at all. Now though, if a fit, topless male is on the television I get this pang of anxiety and question whether or not I am looking at him in a sexual light. It may also be worth noting that I dont have many friends as the moment due to the anxiety etc and find myself sometimes craving male companionship, having a beer, a laugh with yours mates, "shooting the shit" so to speak. My dad recently left my mother after it came out he was having an affair, I pretty much left the whole family. Before this he was like my best friend, drinking buddy. Anyway, sorry about the novella guys and girls. take care all, felt good to let this out.
So anyway my post was long as fuck lol, I have booked myself in to see a mental health professional. The thoughts of being gay arent the only obsessive thoughts ive had so I think that would be a good place to start.
