Like men romantically, women sexually

Hi Everyone,
This is my first post. I came to empty closets because as far as I can tell now, I am interested in men romantically but am not as interested in them sexually. There have been a few individual men that I was very interested in both romantically and sexually. Needless to say, I was really into those particular men.

When it comes to women, I am attracted to a much wider range of them sexually than to men. However, I have not felt that interested in them romantically.

So the percentage of men that I find attractive sexually is small compared to the percentage of women that I find attractive sexually. Yet the percentage of women that I am interested in romantically is small compared to the percentage of men that I am interested in romantically.

I feel lonely and depressed often. A long-term relationship with my boyfriend just ended because I was not interested in sex with him that often and he needed more. Yet I love him so much emotionally. I have tried to date a lot of men but reject most of them right off the bat. As for women, I don't seem to be interested in most of them romantically. I am in my late thirties but haven't been able to have these things work out - of course there were many years where I was not able to date as much as I would have liked due to problems in the family that I had to help out with. I also got a later start on dating compared to others I know and was shy in high school so did not always relate to others so well. I have become a lot more confident since then but realized that certain things are still harder for me to express than others, especially intense and intimate emotions.

I guess I'm bisexual but it would be much easier if I were clearly interested both sexually and romantically to the same gender.

Does anyone have any thoughts that could help?

 

Thanks so much for your posts, TsurugiPrincess and Minnie. The first time I heard of the term heteroromantic was here on empty closets; at least it's good to know there's a word for it! TsurugiPrincess, thanks for your advice on discovering more of either sexual feelings for men or romantic feelings for women. I think the question is worthy of exploring. I've been interested in some men sexually but they often have to be REALLY good looking. There have been a few cases where once I got to know men (who were average to medium good looking) well as a good friend and developed a more genuine emotional connection, I found myself irresistibly attracted to them, thinking about them constantly. Strangely, there was still a tiny part of me that was repelled by the thought of sex with them because they were not incredibly good-looking (like a model). With women, I can develop close emotional relationships especially if I do not find them attractive. There have been times where I have felt emotionally close with women but did not want it to spill over into being romantic. The latter may be because some of these women were good friends and it felt almost incestuous perhaps because they felt like sisters to me. I don't know what would happen if I just interacted with a woman as a date, not a friend, from the get-go. In general, I have not found getting close to a woman as exciting as getting close to a man. So if I eventually feel very close to a man as well as sexually attracted to him and not repulsed by him, the sex seems to be better than anything I could even imagine with a woman. But finding this seems to be rare for me, and even if I do find it, so far it has not seemed to last very long. This could be because of the excitement of a new relationship, or because the guy gets so overwhelmed by my attachment to him that he backs away.

Minnie, yes I am seeing a therapist for various things - but when I told her how I felt about men and women, she was not aware of the heteroromantic phenomenon. Instead she was hypothesizing that I might have internalized sexism but it was just a guess. I think you have a good point that I may need time post-breakup to better understand my feelings.

I recently realized that I really only dated for about 7 - 8 years and then was in a serious relationship for > 5 years. And those 7 - 8 years of dating included a lot of turmoil in other areas of my life so maybe I was not able to be as conscious of my dating choices.

---------- Post added 4th Nov 2013 at 07:15 PM ----------

Part of my loneliness and depression comes from the fear that I will be alone the rest of my life since so far, I have not been able to find a good match. I am happy for friends that seem happy and have gotten married and had babies. But with some friends, once they get into a relationship or get married, have kids, etc., you no longer are part of their life. When I was in a relationship, I tried to make time for friends. In any case, I have lost my immediate family (long story), and slowly some friends may disappear from my life too when they get paired up. This has left me fearing being alone. I work on counteracting this fear all the time, but it's like an uphill battle.

 

Thanks for the suggestions Tsurugi. Remember though, I mentioned I can be sexually attracted to men too sometimes LOL!

---------- Post added 8th Nov 2013 at 10:44 PM ----------

Interestingly, I also do not find myself attracted to masculine women.