Okay, here I go again. This is my second thread here on EC and since my last one I have come pretty far, if I say so myself. I even changed my orientation thingy yesterday But it hasn't gotten any easier. I am questionning my sexuality more and more and more to the point that I have trouble staying concentrated while learning for my tests. Every moment when I am alone with my thoughts, or even when I am not alone, but just a tiny window in which I can think, I wonder about everything. I really believe most of the time that I am a lesbian. And when I do it feels great. I feel proud and happy and most of all releaved. It's like I can finally breath again. But then these other moments arrive, when I see a good looking guy or something and I begin to question everything all over again. 'Do I really like girls? Maybe I do like guys? I could be with a guy, if I wanted to right? I probably haven't met the right guy yet.' Even though I know it is bullsh*t. I know I like girls. I know that I feel mostly attracted to girls and that I have never really felt a real attraction to a guy. I know that I like girls sexually and emotionally. And even if I do like guys, having a relationship with one doesn't really appeal to me, besides it being 'normal'. I would however like to be with a girl. So, most of the time, it is pretty clear that I am in fact a lesbian. But whenever I get this small oppotunity to question everything, I take it. And it sucks, because I work so hard on figuring things out and every time when I finally have, these moments come and sweep it all away. Because I do not know for certain that I really like girls or that I don't like guys, I keep questioning everything and it is so damn tiring. I am so sick of it. I just want it to stop. I just want to know who I am and then come out to the whole world. I know that it is probably the best to just not put a label on myself, but that doesn't feel right. I want to know for certain that I am a lesbian, because I know deep down that I am and I want the whole world to know it. But not before I am completely sure of it. I guess my question is, do you think I will ever be sure of my sexuality? And if so, how do I get there? I think the most logical thing to do is to go out there and get some experience (which I lack both on the girl and on the guy side). But I don't really want to do things with a guy and I don't really know how to with a girl, because no one knows that I am attracted to girls, so I don't know how to find someone I like and who likes me. And I am afraid to hurt someone when it turns out I am not attracted to either guys or girls. Does someone know how I can get out of this situation? Sorry about this post. My mind is starting to get all over the place again. Thank you for listening to me. Love, Nolisa
Hi Nolisa, In matters of sexuality, in any matter of "identity" there simply is no definitive answer. Many of us have a hard time dealing with ambiguity, with anything less than certain. Ask yourself this: what in you life is really certain? What is there in your life that you could count on 100%, like a job, your health, peace in your country, absence of natural disasters....do you get my point? Just living is a risk. This is why, as for most people, the label I choose to call myself is "good enough"...and it really is just good enough to live with.
The simple question you have to ask yourself; How does your body react when you kiss another woman or guy? Or if you have never experienced it with another woman, how does your body react when you fantasise about kissing another woman? I knew the moment I kissed another woman that there was no denying my orientation from that point on. That was my "aha" moment, good luck!
To me, it sounds like you already know who you are--a lesbian. Believe me, I just about drove myself insane with questioning who I am over and over again. Initially, I came out to my family as bisexual >confused >homo-flexible to finally gay. I'm still open minded to the possibility of being with anyone, but with a strong preference for women, hence, identifying as a lesbian. It feels right for now, and since sexuality is fluid who knows what the future holds. I have a girlfriend, but *sighs* something doesn't feel right and I've been trying to sort out my feelings once again. It seems like once I accept who I am, I also find reasons to question myself over again. And it is very exhausting, so I know exactly how you're feeling. The thing that helped me the most was looking in the mirror and telling myself, "I am a lesbian." Although, it felt weird at first, it made me laugh and like, a ton a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. So, I think you should give it a try and really search deep inside your soul and embrace those feelings. Also, you should try to imagine kissing a woman, how does it make you feel? Now, try to imagine kissing a guy, how does it make you feel? I mean, I have been with men in the past because I was in denial. I did not want to be gay at all, so I tried just about everything. Being with men felt forced on my part, but I wanted to be normal and I know now, that being gay is normal. If anything, I was going against my natural attraction by denying my feelings for women, which made me feel ill. I swear up until I finally accepted who I am, I had this constant headache that wouldn't go away. I think you know who you are and it's okay to be afraid, so just relax and breathe!
Thank you all so much! I haven't kissed someone since I was eleven or around that time. It was a boy and it felt disgusting. And a few weeks back a guy tried to kiss me, but I turned my cheek to him. I don't know if it was because I just didn't want to kiss him for him or because he is a guy. When I fantasise about kissing a guy it feels like I am doing it because I have to, but when I fantasise about kissing a girl I feel drawn to her lips. But then my brain start to question whether that is just because I want to be a lesbian of because I am a lesbian. But I know that the only reason I want to be a lesbian is because I am (or at least bi) and I am tired of pretending I am not. @pinklov3ly, thank you. I immediatly went to a mirror and at first I couldn't, but I tried again a few minutes later and when I told myself I was a lesbian I smiled and teared up a bit. I know I am a lesbian, but I just have to get this part of me who keeps saying 'no, you're not' a little quieter. I hope you will figure things out again soon. I am coming out to a good friend very soon, so I'm hoping that will help a bit too. Thank you all so much, Love you
No, never actually. It may sound really weird, but I have never asked myself that before. Thank you for asking me! I always ask myself if I find guys attractive, but never thought about my crushes. I do notice when a guy is attractive, but I never really had a crush on a guy before, except maybe for the times when I force myself to look at a guy that way, but when I see him I always get the thought 'oh yeah, he is attractive, I was supposed to have crush on him', but I feel pretty much nothing. Very rarely though, I see a guy on tv and think he is cute, but almost never do I feel that way in real life. Since I allowed myself to look at girls, however, I have had a few crushes and now a pretty big one. I get nervous whenever I have a class with her and yesterday she stood right next to me while waiting for the door to open and my whole body tensed up and I had no idea what to do. I really like her, but I think she is straight, so I think it is a dead end anyway. But still one of my biggest concerns is coming out as a lesbian, only to realise that I really like a guy and I feel like I wouldn't be able to go after him, because everyone would know me as a lesbian. I can't believe how sweet and helpful all of you guys are. Love, Nolisa
When I was in high school my experience was just like shanny11 and pinklov3ly said. When I kissed guys, even ones I liked, it felt bad, and with girls it felt right. I wasn't bi at the time, I knew exactly what I was. In regard to the question in your last sentence, trust me, don't worry about it. Theres no law that says if your a lesbian you can't go after a guy, if you really find one that interests you. If that was the case, I'd be in prison right now
