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I'm Completely Confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mighty Sloth, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. Mighty Sloth

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    Background, feel free to skip, but reading will give you a better view on my situation.
    __________________________________________________________________________

    Up until this point, I've really only glanced at this site and check a few forum posts when I was questioning. However over the past week, my sexual identity has been consuming my thoughts during the day. I honestly am in a corner.
    First let me start off where it began, when I first noticed my homosexual tendencies. Around 8th grade I played on the boys basketball team. When playing I was always glancing towards the other guys privates. I was just curious about them, I don't know why...After a couple practices of this I realized I had to stop and carried around a rubber band on my wrist and popped it when those thoughts came into my mind. At the time it worked because I really didn't know about sex or anything, I was just taking quick peeks.
    Later in my 8th grade year I discovered porn, some softcore on YouTube of just people kissing, but got bored quickly and moved up. At first I watched the straight porn, but one day I became curious and watched gay porn. It was 10x more interesting to me than straight.Based on all the porn I would watch 60% was gay and 40% was straight. As the years went by, the gay percentage went up and the straight down.
    Towards the end of freshman year, I met a girl and we started texting and after 3 months I asked her out. It was great...I just couldn't help smiling around her. She was my first actual girlfriend, I was worried anything I did would mess it up. So we ended up doing nothing couple-wise. I mean it took me 2 months to even hold her freaking hand. People would ask me if we'd made out, I was shocked...I barely had the guts to hold her hand let alone make out with her. I would almost get sick from the butterflies from holding hands and hugging. All this time while we were dating I continued to watch gay porn, but when around her I felt like she was the center of my world., not some man.
    Going into Sophmore year, we continued to date, but a problem arose. She told me that we needed to keep our relationship a secret because her parents wouldn't let her date, at first I was understanding, but that drug on for months all the while we could never hang out just us. She needed someone there to say she was hanging out with and I'd show up once her parents left. At this time we were about 3 1/2 months dating and people still asked if we did anything. Once girl told me we should be fingering by now, and was astonished I hadn't even kissed her.
    In the end I broke up with her because she said she didn't know if she would ever tell her parents. I was fine, it was a high school relationship if she didn't tell her parents she wasn't worth my time. It pained me though, I liked her but it was a dead end relationship.However I told her we could get back together when her parents allowed her to date
    All during the time we were dating I was always checking out other guys on the side, especially during basketball when this one guy was changing.
    After two months of not saying a word I began to talk to my old girlfriend again. I felt the same feelings about her again, but she would always play games and never acted like she liked me. I ended up starting talking to another girl and stopped texting her and ignoring her. She got angry and we got in a huge fight. I stopped talking to her all together and the new girl I was texting became my girlfriend a month later.
    Junior year. My new girlfriend made me nervous, but I felt like if I messed up she would still like me. I could be myself around her, be the nerd that I am, and she would be fine with that. Before I had to "contain my weirdness" with my ex. All was not perfect however, I continued to think about my ex during the new relationship. Also, just like my ex I was slow to do anything, but this time around was a little fast. We kissed around the 4 month mark.
    Now on to the past week. During the past week I realized my ex had gotten a new boyfriend and I became slightly jealous. I don't know why, we've been broken up for 8 months. I should be happy with this new perfect girl I have, am I suffering from the grass is always greener?
    "Why is this on empty closets this is just a teenager rant" I bet you're saying. Well during basketball this week the one guy I'm always checking out told the locker room how this gay guy always texted him and was making fun of him to the whole team. I made me mad, I was thinking how unfair it was that he was straight and not gay . Why am I thinking this though? I have a girlfriend I shouldn't think like that.
    And today we were doing work outs that required a lot of jumping. I couldn't help but watch him. But why I'm in a relationship!


    __________________________________________________________________________


    Questions:

    • Am I gay, bisexual, straight, or an over reacting teenager. I feel sexually attracted to males but emotionally to females.

    • Is the reason for being so slow with my girlfriends because I am nervous, or because I have no desire to " get in their pants" which makes other guys try things. (Note I hug and hold hands with my girlfriend, and sometimes kiss.)

    • Does being jealous of my old girlfriend mean I'm straight?

    • If I'm jealous of my old girlfriend and think about her almost every other day, what should I do with my current girlfriend?( When I'm with my current I forget about my ex. It's only at night also I am reminded of her. Is this just a case of what could have been if my ex and I would of been together still?)

    • I watch gay porn. What should I do with my current girlfriend?

    • I don't want to be gay how do I change that?


    I just wanted to apologize for the massive wall of text above. That's years worth of crap condensed into one page. Thanks for reading if you did.
     
  2. Randy

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    There's no way to tell for sure, you may be an over-reacting teenager; however, I was the same way when I was younger. Does this mean that you'll have the same exact story as I do? No. Is it possible? Yes. Like snowflakes, all people are different and their structure varies from one to another.

    It could be that you're nervious and have no desire to get in their pants, or you may be respectful of them and just wait for a right time. There are several reasons why you may be taking things slow. Also, just because you hug, hold hands, and kiss her doesn't mean anything (well, how you kiss her may dictate something). [/QUOTE]

    Not nessacarily.

    Just be honest with your current girlfriend, if she sees that you're being honest with her, just being honest will impact the strength of a relationship more than you know.

    Communicate with your current girlfriend that you're in a state of uncertainty and you're not sure about the outcome, but you're sure that you'll be honest with her no matter what.

    You can't really change being gay. You can ignore your feelings but that will ultimately hurt you in the long run.
     
  3. plaiddesign

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    Can't believe how incredibly similar so many posts are to what I feel!
    I feel I am sexually attracted to guys but romantically attracted to girls. I have had 2 girlfriends and no boyfriends. My 2nd (current) girlfriend knows I am questioning and even though she turns me on in bed, sex hasn't been great at all. I almost exclusively watch gay porn but don't know how much of an indicator porn is, as I have also gotten off watching lesbian porn.

    Also sometimes I think of a very close girl friend.. and feel romantically very attracted to her. Which I feel is similar to how you feel about our previous girlfriend.

    I would suggest you to openly talk about it to your current GF. She might be immensely supportive (like mine is) and try to help you figure out. In any event, she has a right to know what's going on in your head. And believe me, you will feel immense relief when you tell her taking some pressure off your shoulders.
     
    #3 plaiddesign, Nov 5, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2013
  4. Mighty Sloth

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    I'd like to tell her but I don't know if I'm gay, and I don't want that spreading around school. She probably wouldn't telling anyone but you never know. Thanks for the replies they really helped.

    Edit: Sometimes I feel like I should break up with her because it's not fair to her, but I like her. I'm not very physical with her though and I feel like I'm failing on my part. It's just that I'm too nervous to make the first move I think that's my mentality. However, I still don't know if that's why or because I have no desire.
     
    #4 Mighty Sloth, Nov 6, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2013
  5. ProudGay

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    Dude it seems to me like you are bi-sexual, you don't have to like just one. I think that it would depend on the person. Go were your heart takes you :grin:
     
  6. GayNerd

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    It sounds like you are Bisexual, leaning towards guys though.

    If you feel that it isn't fair to lead your current girlfriend on, you should break-up with her. It isn't fair to you, either.

    You may be jealous about your ex girlfriend having a new boyfriend because you might have felt that you could have had a better time with her.

    And you can't change your Sexuality. You should be proud of your Sexuality, no matter what.
    I hope this helps. (*hug*)
     
  7. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    I think you are a gay male in a straight relationship. If it really is taking you that long to get physically intimate and also have urges to watch gay porn at the same time, I think you need to really re-think this whole dating girls thing. You are young and many gay guys go through this period of uncertainty because society dictates boys date girls and vice versa. You probably can't imagine being romantic with another dude. I don't think you are straight or even bi.
     
  8. Mighty Sloth

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    How could I break up with my girlfriend out of the blue without being "Btw Im gay l8r." I feel like if I was wasn't second guessing what I like she'd be the perfect girl for me.
     
  9. plaiddesign

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    I am not sure if you should just break up with her. What do you anticipate her response to be if you tell her and leave it open?
    If you explain to her what you are feeling, do you think she would be supportive and maybe help you figure it out? She might appreciate your frankness and understand your confusion.
     
  10. Mighty Sloth

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    I don't know...I feel like I could never bring myself to say that because I'm worried she'd break up with me. Also, I feel like once I tell someone there's no going back, at least that's my mentality.
     
  11. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    Why are you with her to begin with? I think you need to really think about that question. I don't personally know you but from just your post alone it seems your eyes wander towards guys and lack interest in girls. Coud be wrong. Only you know for sure.