Hi everyone! I've pulled this site up a few times and since I'm stressing myself out over trying to handle this alone, I figured it'd be a good idea to get some people's opinions/advice on it. I'm sorry in advance for the length. I was attracted to girls from a really young age - like kindergarten. I did a lot of experimenting-type stuff when I was little with other girls and I was almost always the one who initiated it, but I didn't really think anything of it until I got older. When I first started getting old enough to actually be turned on by things and looked up porn, I was so disgusted by how men's bodies looked (no offense to any guys) that I didn't even look it up again for probably several months. And when I did finally get around to it, I could only tune out that sickening feeling I'd get from the men by focusing on the women in it. And even now, I can only watch porn if I focus on the woman in it. And not in a "I'd like to be her" way, but as in I'd like to be with her. But, I never really thought anything of that and figured it was normal. I'm a virgin and I've only kissed someone once when I was around thirteen (a boy), but I didn't enjoy it at all. He smelled weird, his face was scratchy, and it was just really uncomfortable and gross for me. So, after that, if I ever "dated" a guy, it was long distance so there would be no touching/kissing/etc. I even told guys up until now that if we ever had any sort of romantic relationship and met in person, there would be no sex/kissing/etc. I basically limited it to maybe hugging or holding hands, but even that makes me feel uncomfortable. It got to the point where I couldn't even think of doing anything with a guy without getting nauseous and bursting into tears because it felt so wrong. So I started thinking maybe I have some sort of sexual phobia, which wouldn't really make sense because I didn't have anything to cause it. However, if I think about being sexual with a woman, nothing negative happens. Go figure. I pretty much decided I would just never be in a serious relationship and with modern technology and whatnot, I could have everything I wanted out of life (such as children) without having a man around me. And that was alright for me. But, of course, something had to happen to shake things up. I've only met a handful of gay men where I live and only about three lesbians (who were all 40+). So when I met a lesbian only a couple of years older than me, I was really shocked. The second I saw her, it was like I could feel electricity coursing through me and my heart started racing (which had never happened before). And I just couldn't get her out of my head. So then I started wondering if my issue wasn't that I couldn't handle relationships, but that I was supposed to be with a girl. I've sort of gotten to know the girl since then and while I've not really acted on it, I think I flirt with her a lot without even realizing it and this is the first time I've been truly attracted to someone. So this is what has me seriously combing through my life to try to figure out what my sexuality is. Physically, I prefer girls' bodies and find nothing attractive about men. I do think they have cute faces, but it's never in a "oh, I'd like to have sex with them" kind of way. And when it comes to sexual things, I feel sick at the thought of oral with a guy, but girls arouse me so again, no negative things come up with them. And personality-wise, I prefer girls as well because I feel like I relate to them much more. Now that I've typed all of this up, it really does seem like I at least strongly lean towards girls and the thought of having to come out or tell my parents this terrifies me. They're not really religious or closed minded (well, my dad was extremely homophobic when he married my mom, but she mostly got him out of that), but I almost feel like I'd be letting them down because my mom has envisioned a certain life for me. She's been constantly asking me if I'm a lesbian since I was in my early teens, though, so she may suspect something already. And since I've met this girl, she's started quizzing me multiple times a day again and now she's trying to push various guys onto me. I deny it every time and ended up getting in a huge argument with her today to get her to back off about it, but I still feel like it would be even worse if I said that I am attracted to girls. The area that we live in is very closed-minded on top of this, as are my extended family, so I wouldn't have much support if I ever did own up to it. And I don't know if it would be worth the risk to actually be with who I'm attracted to so that I can be happy if it will cause a large part of my family to dislike me and alienate me in the process.. Sorry for all the ranting! I really typed a lot, oops. But basically I want to know this: Do you think I'm a lesbian, bisexual, or just really confused right now? Is there anything I can do to really figure this out so I won't drive myself crazy with it? Should I cut off contact with this girl until I figure myself out? And, would it be best if I keep denying all of this until I know for sure?
I think that youre a lesbian as I think that I'm a lesbian and I found myself shaking my head in agreement with your experiences. Hormones is the most complicated part though.
Hey, it is indeed a long post xD Well from what I read you seem to prefer girls no doubt about it. Why would you cut off any contact with your crush ? If there's a mutual attraction she's the only chance for you to figure out who you are. And also, you shouldn't deny anything because you will 1) suffer and 2) never get the chance to know if you're gay or not. I've always been told that you can't say you don't like something if you haven't tasted it first..
The same with me. hic. I also have a crush on girl for the first time in my life at the age of 28. I am also so cold with men and find nothing interesting in them, even can't stand male's smell. I admire women for her beauty, talent, characteristic. love their comfortable smell...and want to be as wonderful as them. So confused.
From reading your post It does sound like your gay it is a very scary time and confusing when I realised I could be gay I was in denial for such a long time and finally a only a few months ago odd I come out to myself and 4 other people along the way so I really hope you work it out.
