Hi. I’m 27 and feel a lot of uncertainty related to my emotional and sexual universe. Compared to men and on a scale of attraction, it is women who I aesthetically find most compelling. It is the female that catches my attention and I find my self imagining some sort of sexual encounter with women, but then there is now not much of a bodily response any more. That being said I will fantasise about gay sex. The side note to this is that as I experience these drives it is subtracted the male subject. I have no sexual experiences with males (except some prepubertal episodes with a friend). I have viewed gay porn, but don’t experience it any more exciting than watching guygirlporn, on the contrary, it will be with a kind of uneasiness. In my fantasies, I am both hetero- and homosexual, but as the situation is now this have left me in ambivalence. I think I’m bi or gay or whatever, but I also think that I may have some really deep-seated homophobic/self-hatred constraints. The fact that I struggle with my personal history as “straight” is also a struggle with appropriated everyday routines, habits or rituals that constitute what I understand as myself. Another point is my lack of experiencing infatuation. One minor (straight) exception in my youth, but with puberty as a relatively chaotic time concerning these things I don’t fully recognise it (as opposed to now when everything is just..). Anyway, sexually speaking, from the age of 17 until about 26 I’v been active with women. Primarily ONS and brief affairs with only one real exception, lasting about a year. Retrospectively, and in general, I consider myself having a sedate emotional life, with a lack of all types of emotions connected to other people, longing, joy, anger, jealousy, sorrow etc (ecspesially related to purly interpersonell attachment). In relationships, I have appreciated the intimacy and closeness, but then again with what I may want to address with an impersonal and superficial feature to it. With a personal experience of being sexually competent and active, it created unrest and uncertainty when my libido waned in the mentioned relationship. Which then was what initiated this process of self-scrutiny I’m now trying to articulate. This is now over a year back. With a lot to focus on in studies and work, I have therefore not really confronted this deadlock, but I have now taken a couple of weeks off. The need to give myself some positive horizon has become too important. Something I until now have tried to do, but probably not the basis of myself, rather what I understand as the expectations of others. I know I have a homosexual talent and a somewhat week lust for females, but it is difficult to find any harmony with this rational, emotional and libido split. Any advice? How to let go of the need to be in control? How to continue working on taking my self seriously?
So the only part of this that suggests any homosexual feeling that I can pick up is that you sometimes fantasise about gay sex. But you don't like gay porn. So I have to ask, when you fantasise about gay sex how do you feel? Are you still uneasy or do you like it? Are these fantasies something that just happen or something you formulate yourself? Which role do you take in the sex act? Giver or receiver? From what I've read you basically just have no real interest in anyone. You find girls more attractive but have no interest in anything long term, which is unlikely to change just because you start chasing guys. If you're not feeling any sort of emotions at all, you might want to consider counselling or something, because while the me of 3 months ago would probably kill me for saying it, it's not normal or healthy to feel nothing!
When you fantasise about gay sex how do you feel? Arousal and excitement, enjoyment Are you still uneasy or do you like it? I like it, but I guess I only let myself enjoy it in that particular moment. Its a isolated thing, I dont feel shame afterwards, like I did before. Are these fantasies something that just happen or something you formulate yourself? For the most part I formulate them, but it can also be a spontaneous thing. I think I have a lot of practise shutting those spontaneous thoughts down. Which role do you take in the sex act? Giver or receiver? Receiver Not finding anyone interesting is not far off and I wish that because of this desire for gaysex it will accumulate into a more complete interest in men.
When you fantasise about gay sex how do you feel? Arousal and excitement, enjoyment Are you still uneasy or do you like it? I like it, but I guess I only let myself enjoy it in that particular moment. Its a isolated thing, I dont feel shame afterwards, like I did before. Are these fantasies something that just happen or something you formulate yourself? For the most part I formulate them, but it can also be a spontaneous thing. I think I have a lot of practise shutting those spontaneous thoughts down. Which role do you take in the sex act? Giver or receiver? Receiver Not finding anyone interesting is not far off and I wish that because of this desire for gaysex it will accumulate into a more complete interest in men.
