Sorry for posting again, but I really need some advice, really badly. So, I've finally come out to a friend and my parents as 'probably a lesbian, but not quite sure'. They were all very supportive. They honestly had the best reactions one could hope for. So yay! I should be very happy and I should feel relieved, right? Well, I can't. I have been struggling with my sexuality for about a year now (even though I have always sort of known) and I have been able to write it down and say it to myself out loud for about a month. I like women. I do. And before I came out, I would be so proud of myself for admitting it and even for being it. Even though I wasn't completely sure, I was proud of myself for allowing me to question it and I believed most of the time that I was a lesbian. The only thing holding me constantly back, was having to lie to everyone about it. So I decided to come clean. I told my friend and it felt great, I could finally be completely myself. Me, who likes women. It felt so great that I felt terrible going home and having to lie agian, so I made myself tell my parents. As I said, they took it greatly. We have talked about everything and they really support me. That sounds like a great story, right? Yes, that is why I just can't understand why I feel this depressed. My stomach hurts I can feel my heart in my chest constantly ever since I told my parents. I don't want to be gay. I really really don't. Telling them has made it so real. And I could be really proud of being gay when it was just me who knew, but now it isn't just in my head anymore and I hate it. I hate being weirder than I already was. I hate people knowing while I am not even sure anymore. I question myself even more now and I hate it. It feels terrible and I wish no one knew. I wish I knew other gay people. I wish I would know for sure. I wish I could just tell everyone without feeling like everyone will talk about me and judge me and bully me. I have always been a weird one, I always did everything I wanted to do, without caring what everyone would think of me. But this time it is different. What if I go through all this trouble, only to realise that I am not gay. That I just like guys? Who would want to be in a relationship with a girl who first thought she was gay, but then suddenly changed her mind? I hate being gay. I thought I had accepted it, but I really haven't. How can I stop feeling like this? How can I try to accept it from myself? I'd really like to meet other gay people and go to gay bars and parties and stuff, so I can figure it all out and kiss a girl or just to really talk about it with someone who has gone through the same, but I don't want people to know yet and I don't want to be gay. Should I just force myself to go and explore this side of me? And when people ask I could say that I am just exploring things or maybe say I am bisexual. But it feels weird. It feels wrong. I know that it is completely natural and if someone else would come up to me saying he or she was gay, I would think it was great and I would have so much respect for that person to come out and I would really admire him or her. But why can't I respect and admire myself for coming out to my friend and parents? I also don't understand why I have been so fine with it this whole time, but from the moment I came out, I have been trying to suppress it all and have been questioning everything so much and I hate it. I thought that coming out would clear thing up, but it has only made things messier. My stupid brain is being stupid again. I am sorry for this rant. I hope I haven't hurt anyone with this. I just feel lost right now and I don't know who to talk to. Love, Nolisa.
Fall in love. All of the trouble of labels will go away. Don't limit yourself. Keep an open mind...and breathe.
Wow, I am so sorry you feel so sh***y. If it makes constellation, I feel like you. I feel accepting of my self but I have only hypothetically discussed my sexuality with my sister. I felt that I needed to tell my parents and I know they would be supportive of me too, but I just think I will initially feel good but afterwards feel exactly how you are feeling right now. ....so...in an abstract silver lining you helped me? (If that makes you feel better ^^"). Everytime I think I have finally accepted myself though, I end up questioning so much amd I cannot ever be happy. The happiest I am is when I don't think about it at all, and adapt a f**k it attitude.l and let things flow naturally xxx
Thank you both so much for your reactions. I feel a bit better now. I have these awful moodswings lately when I feel like I am all over the place. I still need to accept myself for being who I am and with that comes a lot of uncertainty and me being against myself. I also think that, because it all felt a little off when I had come out, I was afraid that my parents would never think of me the same again and there would always be this weird atmosphere, but we had a really nice evening today and it all felt almost like it felt before. Orangevanilla, you make a really good point and I have been trying to make myself think that way before I came out, but it didn't work. However, I feel like it will be less hard to adapt that mindset, now I'm out. It feels more 'right' than it did before. I will just have wait and see what life will bring me. (I know, easier said than done) Momart, I don't know if my rant is exactly the greatest advice giver, I'm sorry. But I would do what feels right and not force it. I feel like I have told them a bit too soon, because I question myself so often. But on the other hand it feels kind of nice to be able to talk to them about it and that when I am ready, I could 'go after' a girl without having to sneek around. But I feel the same as you, I am also the happiest when I let it all be or when I have (for a moment) accepted myself completely. I hope you will figure out how to be your happiest version soon. It is just a sh*tty situation to be in. Love, Nolisa
Hey, this isn't unheard of. It's pretty common for people to feel weird, almost ill, after coming out. At least you don't have to worry about lying anymore. If it turns out you're not gay, then that's fine too, it's no big deal, we're all allowed to be confused and the important thing is that you told the truth no matter how long that remains the truth. A few years ago I told some friends that I was gay, felt really relieved yet extremely awkward about it. It felt good to say it, but it also changed things beteen me and my friends. Recently I came to the conclusion that I'm not gay. I'm actually pretty sure I'm straight. I know you don't like being gay, I hated being gay and I would have given everything to be straight, but now that I am straight I realize that it doesn't make everything easy and it's nearly as disorientating as realizing you're gay. A lot of out-and-proud gay people still have issues with being gay, it's going to be hard. But one day you'll fall in love and the fact that they're the same sex won't even be relevant.
"What if I go through all this trouble, only to realise that I am not gay. That I just like guys? Who would want to be in a relationship with a girl who first thought she was gay, but then suddenly changed her mind?" For some perspective, I grew up in a bible thumping conservative small town in the South, one of the worst places in the U.S.A. to come out as strictly a lesbian, at least 10 yrs ago it was (is better now) Trust me, no straight guy, even the deeply religious bible thumpers, are going to reject you if you decide you want to date guys instead. I'm 27, and until this year had never even imagined I'd be in a romantic relationship with a guy. Although we are faithful to each other, my guy knows I still have interest in women too, and he's okay with it. Don't fixate on labels, go out and enjoy life.
Gosh, when I first came out to my dad I felt so weird being around him afterwards. It felt like he could see inside my soul every time I would look at him and it made me feel uncomfortable. I believe that coming out and accepting who you are is a long life process and it does get easier each day. It is a very scary realization, but the more confident you are with who you are, the easier things will become. It may not happen tomorrow, a month from now, or even a year, but at least you're making strides. It takes a lot of courage to be true to yourself and come out to those around you. It finally feels real and there's no going back. However, it's not like your signing a contract for life. If you find yourself attracted to guys later on then don't worry too much. It is totally normal for some gay women to still find men attractive. I know that I find some men attractive, but chances are slim that I'd ever be with a man again. Yes, I am open minded to the idea because who knows what the future holds.
I know how you feel I'm in the same situation. I did come out as a lesbian when I was fourteen. I did feel awkward and sick to my stomach after I came out. Everyone was either shocked or they thought I was going through a phase. Then I really started to question myself. That started an OCD obsession for me. I started to feel horny whenever I noticed anything sexual. That confused me so I identified as bisexual. I came out as bisexual to people. At first I was happy about identifying as bisexual, but when I realized what bisexuality actually meant identifying as bisexual felt wrong. I don't really want to be with a guy. I also want to come out as a lesbian. The problem is that my OCD is keeping me trapped in the closet. I just want out. I want to be sure of myself, but my OCD won't let me.
Thank you all so much. It feels good to know that I am not the only one who feels this way and you give really good advice. I'll try to not think about it so much and just let life happen, I know it won't be an easy thing to do, but I'll try. I truly can't thank you enough, you make my crazy thoughts calm down a bit. Love, Nolisa
