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I think I'm a closet heterosexual

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by MossyCave, Nov 8, 2013.

  1. MossyCave

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    It took me so long to accept that I was gay, I wasn't 100% sure but I was close enough. I knew I liked girls and I didn't know about guys, but I was pretty sure I didn't like them. I don't like girls at all anymore, and I've been calling myself bisexual for a while now but I feel like I'm lying to myself. I look at girls, trying to see what I used to see, and every time I have a crush on a guy I just feel so depressed because nothing has ever come of my crushes on guys. So that was causing me stress. I know deep down that I can't keep looking back on what I used to be, if I started finding women attractive again I bet I would be wishing that I was straight, just like I used to wish. So basically I admitted to myself all the things I already knew and I think, unless I'm proven wrong in the future, I should start making steps to accept that I'm straight.
    I know I have it easy, I used to think I would give anything to be straight, but letting go of something you worked on loving is hard.
    So yeah. I feel weird being here if I'm not gay or bisexual. But somehow I'm in some kind of closet.
    I'm not sure what the point in this post is, because it's not really a question, I just felt like I needed some kind of outlet. I'm in denial that I'm straight. It's weird looking back on it all and realizing it was probably hormones, it's just kind of sad.
     
    #1 MossyCave, Nov 8, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2013
  2. I have no advice but wanted you to know that on my straight days I feel weird coming here too and I feel like an idiot thinking I was a lesbian. This is just so confusing, I have no idea if I am really fluid or if I have some kind of personality disorder or something.
     
  3. momart

    Full Member

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    I am the exact same with crushes on guys...nothing ever really comes out of them, on the rare occasion it has, it was just sex (so no emotional bond and I just let them use me...) but my crushes on guys become obsessive, I put in so much time thinking about how happy I'd be with my ideal partner I want this guy to be, and fantasize about us together. But it was idealistic and unrealistic and nothing ever got to the stage where I would be in a relationship with these men, which depressed me and causes me massive self esteem issues ("he'll totally want me to be his girlfriend if I am skinnier/prettier/with someone else" cue unhealthy cycle).

    I am still not 100% sure what I am either, because I do feel differently at certain times and I am over thinking this so much I know I am (although from my research, the term queer is kind of the happy medium, because it implies not only are you not exactly straight but you're a bit quirky or odd too.. and I am that ^^). I know I would have the support if I came out as a lesbian but I am not ready to live a lesbian lifestyle, I'd feel like I was leading a girl on or something, and while I want a girlfriend I think I really want a bestfriend, guy or girl, that I have common taste with, that I can be silly and weird with, whether that gets sexual is another matter, but I am also open to the idea of open relationships because I still feel too young to settle.

    I spent WAAAAAY too much time on this site to be dead set straight. That much I know is true. I'm here any free time I get, and while that is unhealthy in itself I am trying to adapt a I don't care attitude and let life be lived.

    I cannot understand how hard you must have it trying to accept yourself again after overcoming such a struggle to overcome and accept yourself as gay/lesbian, but you know what, no matter what you are andwhat you think you have discovered and how your life will have to be adjusted again, you have my support! :slight_smile:
     
  4. poison53sumac

    Regular Member

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    You know, this kind of sounds like me, because I go back and forth thinking, "am i straight, am i lesbian, i must be a lesbian, no i'm straight, no i'm going to settle for bi, but what if i'm straight? what if i'm not?"
    In eighth grade, when all this reached its peak (so far), I was convinced that I was really straight but "wanted" to be gay, like to prove how open-minded I am??? I have no idea. It could have been some kind of denial, I guess. I really don't think I'm straight, but don't quite know where that puts me--I'm going with demisexual bi/panromantic or something, now.
    If it turns out you are straight--fine. If your less-than-straight feelings come back, then fine. You can give yourself no label, or you could be something like heteroflexible--almost totally straight but occasionally you might feel more on the gay side.
    Live and let live.
     
  5. Trapper

    Regular Member

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    I'm just an explorer on this site, and to be honest.. I'm starting to think that maybe disorders shouldn't be completely ruled out when it comes to sexuality. Not that I'm saying there isn't gay/straight men/women etc... but from what I read in all these threads, it's quite astounding and very interesting at the amount of mental confusion and the quick need to blame something to validate said confusion, when our mind is often a very playful thing full of imagination and often bouts of negative reactions and anxiety that could make a person believe anything and everything under the right circumstances. Your mind can condition you under an anxious state if one lets it. Similar to that of scaring an animal into reacting accordingly to an instruction, do it over time and well.. you get my point.
    The mind is capable of doing the same thing.. if you're continually under an anxious state , you will believe anything your mind has found as the "cause" when often the case it's not.. and you're just searching out certainty.
    Live with uncertainty and you shall be a bit better, not fully.. but better.
     
    #5 Trapper, Nov 12, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2013
  6. bitchstewie

    Regular Member

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    Great post - sounds like what ive let my mind do. Amd now I just don't know :-(.