[Sorry for the wall of text. If you're just looking for what to respond to, see the very last sentence.] Normally these days I just say I'm bisexual, maybe adding gray-ace if I feel like it. But it's really a lot more confusing than that. Romantically I seem to lean toward women. I have had mild crushes on men (sort of have one now, in fact), but have never considered acting on them because I felt no compulsion to do so. However, I love the idea of being with a woman, and the crushes I've had on women have generally come with some desire to act on them. But that's the part that makes sense. It's my sexual orientation that confuses me. Like most bisexuals, I am not attracted to all genders in the same way. I don't know any non-binary people in real life, so I don't know how I feel about them. I often see men I find cute, and my body does respond in some way that is more...something than the way it responds to women. There is definitely both a sexual and aesthetic component to it. It's not quite attraction, as it tends to serve as a repulsive force more than anything else. I would say it's normal discomfort from being around someone I find attractive if not for the fact that it there really isn't anything pleasant about it. Sometimes sex with a guy sounds vaguely appealing, but most of the time the idea is off-putting (in fact, the more attractive the guy, the less appealing it is). With women things are more subtle, and I often find myself questioning whether I'm not really just heterosexual. I often see women I find cute, but there is almost never a sexual component to it. The most attractive thing about women for me are their voices, and there does seem to be a sexual component to that feeling. If a woman has an attractive voice and she says something to me, I will probably think about it for the rest of the day, wishing for that voice to be directed at me again. (Sappy, I know, but that's honestly how my brain responds.) I also like the idea of sex with a woman, at least more than that with a man. Also, as with my romantic orientation, there is a greater desire to act on my impulses toward women than toward men. I almost feel like I'm homoromantic and heterosexual if not for a) the crushes on men or b) the fact that I would rather have sex with a woman than a man (though frankly both sound off-putting). It's almost like if you could combine my feelings for women with those for men, everything would make sense and I would be "normatively" attracted to people. I am still trying to make peace with this. I don't think I'm in denial of anything, as I've tried thinking of myself as gay and straight, and both assumptions are soon contradicted by my experiences. But I feel like an outsider in LBGTQ spaces because it seems so simple for everyone else. So, my question is, can anyone else relate to experiencing sexual attraction in a way that deviates (or feels like it deviates) from the norm?
