First of all, Id like to thank the few people who responded to my threads. The advice that was given was pretty helpful and helped me put things in perspective. The problem isnt solved, but I'm starting to look the problem differently. I have two questions, first of all how would you describe the difference between bicurious and actually gay. Leading on to my story, after alot of soul searching and allowing my mind to go down that path. I've found out that I have some type of attraction to men. From inside my imagination hooking up with a guy seems easy enough and seems like it could feel natural, however whenever I'm in a real life situation with a guy it seems both uncomfortable and weird. I grew up thinking im straight and never really crushed on guys or looked at them that way, but after a bad experience I had while failing in a sexual encounter with a female. Ive been judging myself ever since. I started thinking "if i dont perform well or feel anything, then i must be gay" and that haunted me ever since. Now its been 3 years since that experience and things have gotten worse. I find it hard for me to be sexually attracted to a female now because i guess deep down I'm afraid to fail, and girls seem to love to reject me so that doesnt help. On the other half of the coin I'm started to find men attractive. I dont crush on anyone in particular like I do with girls, but I get this weird arousal feeling whenever I'm around ANY man no matter how attractive, ugly, or whatever. It really bothers me when I'm around my dad or my friends because thats just plain weird, why would my mind have these thoughts? But I've recent realized that since I'm a stressful dude and panic alot, it became an obsession that has left me depressed, confused, and maybe even a tad suicidal and reckless. Does it sound like I'm gay but closeted, or is it that I self-consciously distract myself with this obsession so I don't try and fail again with a girl?
Bicurious - interested in the idea of guys sexually, wants to find out more, still thinks of girls as the primary option. Gay - Not interested in girls sexually in any way. It sounds like you might be confusing attraction and...well I hesitate to say respect, but more the feeling you get when you see someone who you perhaps think is how you SHOULD be. That's not to say there might not be some genuine attraction I just don't think you or anyone else wants to start their journey of self discovery with 'holy crap my dad is sexy'!
I would mostly agree with these definitions, although I'd also allow for some people going for more of a 50-50 split on guys vs girls or even being open to going with whichever experience gave them the most pleasure as their primary. Based on what you've said here, I actually get more of a sense that you've been burned kind of badly with regard to women such that it's causing emotional stress, some of which is manifesting as 'the grass might be greener over there'. Which is not to say you aren't gay or bi, just that the lead in to you experiencing these feelings seems to have been traumatic and trauma can have lots of effects. That you can imagine or fantasize about sex with a guy but find the reality more daunting is probably not that uncommon. There's a lot of social conditioning around things like sex after all. I would suggest that you take some time to really work through your feelings, possibly with the help of a counselor or the like if possible. If you do get to the point of wanting to make a concerted effort to get with a guy, aim to be honest about your situation and to find someone who is willing to take things slow with you and concentrate on making sure you have a good experience rather than just focusing on getting themselves off in your presence or using you to do so. Don't be afraid to get to know them a bit first and a cardinal element of any such encounter should be a willingness on their part to stop if things get to a point where you are feeling uncomfortable or need to slow down/take a break or the like. Hope this helps, Todd
