Lately I am becoming increasingly aware of how uncomfortable or defensive I feel around men. And yet I still consider myself straight (well not exactly.....). But I also have these huge infatuation/crushes on guys, and I only feel safe around them (or feel like doing anything with them). I notice I just feel extremely vulnerable around men or on edge - UNLESS I am certain or feel certain that there is no sexual tension, that said when I find a guy that I deem attractive, I want them to desire me, and I thrive in the possibility of flirtation but i would rarely initiate anything first... (but i am so picky so for example I will find 1 guy for every 100 guys attractive, but I am still very reserved around them). I would like to point out that I can have and have had great friendships with men, both gay and straight growing up in my life and I have always had a handful of close girl bestfriends throughout my life. It's just men I don't know that well, strangers, guys who are interested in me and some men in general. I have a rocky relationship with my father, no brothers and growing up in a predominantly female household (meaning my dad was always working so most of my time I spent with my sister and mom). When I picture living with someone, with women (although I am still deciding whether I feel sexual towards them) I feel more comfortable. I can just relax and have fun and let myself get fat or scoff if I feel like it. I can be silly with them and I can be ugly too. It just feels effortless. When I think of spending my life with a man ( let's say my current obsession...) I desperately want to just be normal around him but it always feels like I just can't. (He kinda only sees me as sex which doesn't exactly help yet I cannot see antone else as attractive...) I could see myself as happy with him if I was to end up with him and he makes me feel protected and I think that's what I want, but because I know him I feel safe around him. It just pains me because I can never feel comfortable enough to be silly around him or to just laugh and have a joke I am always so goddamn defensive and have a guard up. Does anyone else experience this?
