Hi All, I've never even used an online forum in my life for any other topic either, so apologies if I'm doing this wrong. I've been pretty troubled trying to figure out my sexual orientation for a while and I could really use some advice. As far back as being 5-6 years old and ongoing all my life I have liked boys/guys/men. I've had crushes, I've had fallen in love, had sex, dreamed about marrying them, etc. However, I think that at the same time I have always thought that girls/women were sexy. I don't recall ever fantasizing about being in a relationship with a girl until a couple of years ago (I'm 28 now). Even then, there has never been a specific person I fantasized about, it was more like I sort of romanticized what it could be like to have a girlfriend. And I guess I've always admired people who were out because I think it's kind of heroic to have the guts to do that. But that's more liking the idea of it than having an actual desire to be with a girl. But the sexual part is still there and quite strongly. In the past year, I thought this must mean I'm bi - so I came out to a couple of close friends. Then as a 'test' I tried dating guys because I wanted to see if I am still attracted to them. And I went I fell in love with a guy, just when I was starting to accept my attraction to girls. Now, over a year later I am in a relationship with him that could potentially lead to marriage and family. I didn't expect to find this so suddenly! (I was just dating as an experiment). And here I am with my physical attraction to girls still in existence. I love this guy, so much. He is like the best person I have ever met. But I feel so guilty because I'm attracted to girls and I keep wondering if I am really meant to be with a girl instead. It's really weird because after all this I still don't really see myself falling in love with a girl, but I find them sexually attractive. This has never been an issue before when I had other boyfriends. (With other boyfriends I sometimes had crushes on other boys on the side that I did not act on). I see a therapist and her opinion seems to be that I am using this bisexuality-anxiety as a way to sabotage my happiness in my current relationship. Some days this theory makes sense. Other days not so much. I think I could accept being lesbian just fine, but I don't want to part with this guy I love. Some days, I would love for him to propose to me and other days I just wish I could take a break from the relationship to explore my sexuality. Also, I'll just throw in one more weird thing about me. I have never thought of myself as being like other girls. I've never really understood most girls and the way they think and act and I guess I can be pretty androgynous. Or not even androgynous but bipolar in gender. Some days I love feeling strong and tough and other days I feel super-hot wearing heels and a dress and giggling and romantic comedies. But I guess my attraction to girls almost feels like opposite-sex attraction... and so does the attraction to guys. It's like I have my own gender. And no, I don't really want to change my gender/sex, but I just wanted to mention this too. I am so f-ing lost. Any perspective would be helpful.
I don't know if I can be much of a help but there is a possibility you could be pansexual. this sexuality has many different definitions and can vary from person to person. for me this means I am gender blind ( I don't see gender they way others do). I also have friends who identify as pan and they put it as their sexuality is fluid (some days they are a lesbian other days they are straight). This sexuality differs from bisexuality because gender is for the most part not a factor therefore a person who is pan could be sexually or romantically attracted to some one who doesn't fit the gender norms. Also consider the possibility that your sexual orientation might be different from your romantic orientation for example hetero-romantic bisexual. I would recommend you try taking the Kinsey scale test online Kinsey Scale Test it is not the most accurate but if you take it a couple of times you at least know where to start.
