Have I accepted that I'm gay yet?

My mind has been all over the place for too long. It's like my brain is in this constant state analysing my past and current feelings. One day I feel like I know who I am and the next day I'm back to square one. It's draining, distracting and making me miserable.

I suppose I'd just like someone's opinion on where I'm at with all this as I have no one to talk to about it. Does it sound like I AM definitely gay? And do you think it sounds like I have come out to myself? You know... that internal acceptance stage before coming out to others?

I am 23 and have never discussed my feelings about my sexuality with anyone at all. I have not been in a relationship with either a guy or a girl. So I can't use actual experience to help with my confusion. I say confusion but I guess I'm not truely completely confused. I think I was just slow to catch on to what I was feeling.

I had a kind of obsessive friendship with a girl at school when I was around 15; this was the first sign I guess. I would hang on her every word, want to be near her, sit next to her, catch sight of her and talk about her. I wrote about her in my diary (which is odd as never before or since have I written about my feelings in a diary). I would write about how she was funny, lovely, her smile, her voice etc. I also kept a picture of her from a school trip (where i felt like I was I heaven) in the diary. I later destroyed said diary and picture by ripping them into tiny pieces; I think I felt what I had written was strange but didn't quite connect with why. In high school my best friend had a boyfriend by the age of 15. Strangely her and I never talked about attraction to boys at all really and weirdly still don't to this day?! I would sit in class and look around at the boys literally trying to pick one that I was attracted to. I couldn't do it and I wondered why but never tried to fake it. I remember realising by the age of 16 that none of the boys interested me really but that I felt drawn to a couple of the girls and I would stare that bit too long at them for some reason. I can honestly say by the time I left high school age 16 I had never really fantasised about kissing a girl or doing anything else sexual with them. I hadnt even considered I might be gay. Maybe i had subconciously but never admitted it to myself? I do vaguely remember admiring their body and feeling it was wrong to stare at their breasts that little bit too long on photos and in real life though!!

During my 2 years in college I began to realise I might be gay. I wasn't attracted to anyone in particular except my gay neighbour who was older than me, I would imagine kissing her. I began to search for what it mean to be gay, watch tv series with gay female characters etc and became comfortable with the idea that I may be gay. I was so far in the closet that I hadn't even considered what it would be like to be out. I told myself i would get a boyfriend by the time I left at 18, trying to prove I could be 'normal'. To add to my confusion during college I began to feel attracted to a boy, Matt. This was the first time I had been fully aware of 'fancying' someone. I never told anyone how i felt about him. Nothing ever happened between us. I did want him to ask me out and kiss me but I can't remember wanting much more than that. Maybe the attraction was genuine or I do wonder if I was trying to prove subconsciously to myself that I wasn't gay. I never thought about having sex with him and I guess the attraction was more emotional that physical as he wasn't that good looking now I think back.

I lived at home with my parents throughout university. Again, starting university I said to myself I would have a boyfriend by the time I left. Within a few months this goal had gone out of my mind. I didn't want it anymore and I had started to truely believe I was gay. I fell in love with my best friend at university and my infatuation with her continued for about 2 years. I wanted to spend all my time with her and I did as far as possible, I fantasised about kissing her and longed to share her bed when I stayed the night on the floor in her room! Nothing ever happened and she can never know about the way I felt about her. I had to distance myself to get over the way I felt which was so tough. We are still close now but the feelings have gone..

Over the past 3 years I have pretty much continuously had it at the back of my mind that I am probably gay. I switch between feeling sure and doubtful. Ok with it, then ashamed. I am pretty much exclusively attracted to women now as far as who would catch my eye in the street, a bar etc. I like the thought of kissing a woman and making love to a woman. I don't find male bodies at all attractive. The thought of lying in bed with a man beside me makes me feel very uncomfortable if I try to imagine it. The roughness, hairiness and genitals all a major turn off verging on disgust almost.

The major thing I think that is holding me back and creating doubt in my mind is: those feelings I had for that boy as an 18 year old. What if I felt something like that again for a guy? If i felt something once it could happen again even though i dont like the thought of it!? What if kissing/sex/a relationship with a girl or a guy changes my thoughts on my orientation after I come out?

As far as who I see myself being in love with and spending the rest of my life with. Physically and emotionally... a woman. But right now I am struggling to imagine being able to be happy and comfortable living life surrounded by my family and friends and work colleagues if I'm in a relationship with a woman. Maybe that fear/ doubt would go if I could be 100% confident myself in who I am?? I am 23, finished uni, just started full time work and can see my life unfolding ahead of me. Even if I can't find the courage to come out to others right now I want to be able to come out to myself and stop the torment in my own head.

So sorry for the length of this but I would appreciate hearing anyone's views on whether you think i really am gay and where I'm at with my acceptance of myself??