Hello, a ramble will ensue. I'm an 18 year old girl who's been battling with her sexual identity for the past 5 years or so. I'm currently living everyday in a great mess of confusion. Note to readers: I haven't had any sexual relations with anyone. My mother and my grandfather are huge homophobes. They've always talked about gays in a very negative way and painted vivid stereotypes of what all LGBT people are like (flamboyant dazzling pretty-boys and lumberjack butch dykes). I've never shared their opinions, but this has left me feeling really overwhelmed when I see lgbt stuff happening irl. The thing is that I've told two of my closest friends that I like girls at my most confident state; while being drunk. (I can't deal with it sober in daylight and talk about sexy girls that often, I'm not that comfortable and confident) And they've been completely supportive and fine with it, actually my whole school is really pro-LGBT. And many of my closest friends have talked openly about being bisexual, but then they've found a guy and realized that they are very very heterosexual... And then I've started to doublecheck my own sexuality. I've practically never admitted having a crush, except for this one girl. I've been a late bloomer and always felt really awkward about crushing. But at the age of 16 I suddenly realized that okay yeah boys have pretty faces and girls do too, and that people in general are HOT. And there are guys that I really like personalitywise and the same goes for girls. I can even actually find guys that match my criteria of the perfect ''lover''. But I just can't feel any sexual attraction towards guys, and thinking of having sex with a guy is a huge turn-off. I feel at ease with girls and I feel really awkward with guys, usually. If I find a girl hot I might feel a good kind of awkwardness, whereasin for guys it's always an uncomfortable kind of awkwardness. But people say that feeling uncomfortable is a sign of attraction or something?... All the hot girls with great personalities are straight. And all the lesbian girls I've met have definitely not been my type. And when my supposedly bisexual friends have quickly thrown away their practically-non-excisting-girl-desires for their dream guys, it makes me wonder why should I differ from them? I mean shouldn't I be hitting on the so-called 'perfect guys'? I feel like I'm vain or just playing hard-to-get when I'm not acting on the ''love doesn't care about sex/sexuality'' saying. I guess I'm seeing things in a ''well-actually-you-could-choose-your-sexuality-and-it-would-benefit-others-around-you'' light, even though I completely believe that people are born gay and I support LGBT rights and I idolize famous LGBT people. But for some reason I don't have any pride when it comes to my own situation. I don't know if I'm subconsciously trying to make me feel miserable or if I just haven't found the right girls yet. I definitely don't feel any need to go hit on guys, but should I? Also since hitting my puberty (so about from the age 13) every sexual dream that I've seen has always involved a girl. But am I just I don't know... what is happening. Do I sound like a typical straight girl? Am I bisexual? Am I lesbian? Share stories of confusion please? If I can name ten hot girls and guys under 10 seconds does that mean I pass some kind of bisexuality test? Does the fact that I'd prefer to be the dominant one in bed tell something about me? What else can I throw in to this mix to get an answer?
"I feel at ease with girls and I feel really awkward with guys, usually. If I find a girl hot I might feel a good kind of awkwardness, whereasin for guys it's always an uncomfortable kind of awkwardness. But people say that feeling uncomfortable is a sign of attraction or something?..." I go through this same thing. When I see a beautiful girl I do get a little nervous but I'm also excited inside, and I want to be around her. When I am around a guy that I know is attractive I feel uncomfortable and nervous, but no excitement, if anything I feel this weird kind of pressure. My situation is similar to yours but I am a few years older than you. I have basically no experience with either gender because I have questioned myself so much that I lost confidence. My family is just like yours, always calling people derogatory words, making it seem like it is horrible to be gay/lesbian. I'm basically 100% sure that I like girls romantically and i find myself very attracted to them physically. Sometimes I wonder if I can have sex with a girl, the concept seems odd to me, but I think that is from all the negativity i grew up with. When it comes to guys I don't want a relationship or anything but when I see an attractive guy or a guy that i know I'm supposed to like, I start to doubt myself. I just want a more solid sense of self at this age, so I can understand how frustrating it is for you because I was going through the same thing even at 18. I've actually been questioning since I was 14 and I fell for my best friend.
You could be bi-romantic/homosexual; your romantic interest and sexual desire don't have to be the same thing (and it sounds like they arnt). It's not up to some stereotypical view of what defines you to call the shots on who you love: it's up to you and you should definitely consider whether you prefer to know a girl more personally, and know her more "personally." Honestly, it sounds as though you're more along the lines of homosexual/bi-curious than your friends who may have just been curious at the time. My advice is to see if getting close to other girls gives you a sense of wanting to be part of them, or to be with one. Same thing with guys, as you may truly be bisexual; hell, you may end up changing your sexuality a lot until you can become older, you never know.
rachelle91: It's comforting to know there are other people who have had similar thoughts. Looking back on it I actually did also fell for a friend at the age of 14, but I didn't recognize it as having a crush on someone. We were really close and cuddled a lot, but when people asked me if we were together I freaked out, mostly because I had never felt anything towards anyone and I was really unaware of the LGBT scene. My situation is similar to yours but I am a few years older than you. I have basically no experience with either gender because I have questioned myself so much that I lost confidence I'm very sure that when I get to move to my own apartment I'll explore my situation somewhat freely, because sexuality is the only part of me I don't feel confident about. I believe you should go out and figure out other people too, but first figure out more about yourself because it sounds like you've lost confidence in yourself not only sexualitywise. Sorry if I'm overstepping my advicing boundaries. MrRedFox : You could be bi-romantic/homosexual; your romantic interest and sexual desire don't have to be the same thing (and it sounds like they arnt). My advice is to see if getting close to other girls gives you a sense of wanting to be part of them, or to be with one. Same thing with guys, as you may truly be bisexual; hell, you may end up changing your sexuality a lot until you can become older, you never know. I really appreciate your whole message, wise words, wise words. I was wondering about this and I've thought about the ''do you want to be the girl you fancy or do you want to be WITH the girl you fancy'' and I know it's the latter one. But bi-romantic made me think some more, and I think that I could fall in love with a guy even, but not sure if I'd want to make love to a guy. Coming out as a lesbian makes me feel like I'm in a box and sometimes I feel like it's just a different wording for ''I hate all the guys. All of them. Go away, you guy.'' which it necessarily isn't. I've never thought about romantic orientation and that it can also be fluid. This gave my thought process a great push forwards. Thanks RedFox, really. Mindblown.
