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If being gay is not a choice then...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by mikey34, Nov 15, 2013.

  1. mikey34

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    If being gay is not a choice then why do I feel like it is? i could choose to find a gf and get married etc, but i wouldnt be happy I know i wouldnt. I was in denial about my sexual orientation for 33 yrs and i was miserable. I know that having a wife and kids would make my parents happy but i have no motivation to date wonen much less marry. I kind of feel like i am making a choice,if its a the right one i dont know. I just know i like guys
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Because you're looking at it wrong.

    Sexuality isn't a choice, you know it isn't because otherwise you wouldn't be attracted to men. If it WAS a choice, you would be able to choose to like girls. Something you can't do.

    You say you could "choose to find a gf and get married etc", and that is true. Acting on your sexuality is a choice. But, and I will not apologise for saying it, choosing to be miserable is a terrible idea.
     
  3. poison53sumac

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    I think the choice is in accepting yourself as gay, not inherently being such. the choice it sounds like you are making is to not date women; therefore to not deny who you are realizing you are.
     
  4. mikey34

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    Well im not sure id be miserable with a woman. However i can tell you im 35 and never been motivated to have a gf so i guess its saying sonething. Im not a bad looking guy either jock type i just have never wanted a gf
     
  5. BookDragon

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    So why force it now? Surely if nothing else, the fact that you can't sit there and tell yourself to just go ahead and like girls must give you some idea of how little choice you get in sexuality?
     
  6. Tightrope

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    Acting on it IS a choice.

    Having the aptitude and orientation, whether from day 1 or day 5,000, is NOT a choice.

    I look at this this way. A heterosexual couple is not chastised for intimacy, whether socially, morally, or spiritually. Is a homosexual or bisexual person then supposed to just shut down their sexual functioning when they in fact have sexual urges, as do heterosexuals? No. You'd go nuts. You can't shut down sexual functioning, but you can be more prudent, selective, and not as prolific, for lack of a better word.

    So, then, your natural inclinations are NOT a choice, but you have to make a choice to short circuit it to be in "compliance?" I don't think so.
     
  7. DesertTortoise

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    We use the word 'choice' like it's one simple thing. Maybe even more misleading--as though it referred only to us, the subject actant--the person supposidily making the choice, when every choice involves a whole complicated set of interactions... there is no choice without also being chosen... at least figuratively, chosen, and rejected. Like negative and positive poles trying to meet. You can "chose" to match up the opposites, but it ain't gonna work... not in the long run.
    Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out. We is complicated monkeys! And never more so, then when it involves sex.
     
  8. Dragonbait

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    You know what you like... "guys" and therein lies the choice. Do you choose what you like or what your parents would like?

    Out of some overdeveloped sense of obligation, throughout my life I chose what I thought my parents would like. At the age of 46, I can tell you, in retrospect, it wasn't them I needed to go to sleep with every night. The problem wasn't even entirely the person I *chose* (that met all their expectations) that I had to go to sleep with every night. The problem was going to sleep with myself every night.

    I realized how flawed my reasoning had been less than one year into the marriage. Nearly 20 years later, I was finally able and willing to voice that realization to the man I had married all those years ago, while trying to live up to my parents' expectations.

    So. Going back to my original question. You need to decide. Do you choose what you like or what your parents would like?
     
  9. flatlander48

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    That pretty much covers it. We can choose how we live, but we cannot change who we are.
     
  10. pgame311

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    Who you sleep with is a choice, but who you want to sleep with is purely instinctive/emotional. I love people, not genders.
     
  11. AKTodd

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    If your sexual orientation were a choice then you could choose to be happy about it. But you've already said you know you wouldn't be if you got into a relationship with a woman.

    Think of it like food - what's your favorite food? What about the food you hate most in the world? Why do you like/not like them? When you ate each for the first time, did you sit there and have a long rational think about it and then coldly and logically concluded that you would or wouldn't like that food for some list of reasons?

    Of course you didn't. You had an abrupt and probably pretty visceral reaction to the food and you went on from there. Sexual attraction isn't all that different. And just like you probably could force yourself to eat your least favorite food, you could probably force yourself to have sex or a relationship with a woman. But why would you want to? Beyond that, why would you put another person in the situation of having to be in a relationship with you when you don't really feel for them and can't give them the depth of love and feeling they deserve? This certainly isn't fair to them or you.

    Put another way, are you willing to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of other people's emotional complacency? Do you feel that is a right action?

    As far as marriage and children - There are a lot of states where gay marriage is legal these days (including Illinois in the very near future) and more coming. And there are a lot of kids in the world who need a good and loving home and adoptive parents. Or surrogacy is an option.

    In other words, if you think about marriage, spending your life and committing to someone you really love, and kids - wouldn't you rather do the real thing with a guy then not with a woman? And based on what I've seen, your parents aren't going to care too much where the grandkids ultimately come from as long as they have them to spoil, hop up on sugar, and then throw back at you to deal with:wink:

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  12. fortheloveoflez

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    Ya, and so is pretending like you're full when in reality you're starving. Sure, go ahead and pretend if you want but at the end of the day feelings are feelings. How you display them is the choice.
     
  13. D43054

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    Dragonbait is right... I'm dealing with being truthful about my orientation 35 years later than I should have because I allowed myself to choose to do what others expected of me. I accept the choices I made, but there are about to be painful consequences for the people I love.

    Give yourself all of the time and room you need. You're lucky, the world today is much more open to you. Your choice is yours, as is your happiness.

    Trust your heart.
     
  14. MossyCave

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    It's a choice (a good one) to accept yourself and date people you are attracted to. It's NOT a choice you're attracted to them and it's not a choice that you'd never be happy with a woman. Sexual orientation and sexual activity are not the same thing. Orientation is who you're attracted to, not who you choose to go out with.