I’m 19 years old and female. Growing up I always assumed myself to be straight, although I have never been in a relationship/kissed anyone/had sex, etc. I always thought that the reason I had never had a boyfriend was just because I’m quite shy and want to wait to find someone that I really care about, but recently I began thinking more about my sexuality and now I’m wondering if I might be a lesbian. I know that I am attracted to women, but the nature of this attraction is a bit puzzling to me. I really love women and love being around them. I feel like I can have a connection to women that I have never had with men. I’ve had good male friends, but I think I just have more capacity for connection with and interest to women. I have had crushes on women. I’ve had what I characterized as crushes on a couple guys as well, but they seem to fade as soon as I get to know the guy better! With my female crushes I want to know as much about them as possible and talk to them and be around them. I also feel a bit strange when my female friends talk about their boyfriends or what guy they want to go out with, etc. I just find myself sort of feeling like, “why would you want to do that/be with him? He’s a guy!” I know, of course, that most girls are interested in guys, I think me feeling that way just illustrates how, personally, I would much rather hang out with other women. I’m getting particularly confused when it comes to the sexual part of things. I like looking at women’s bodies and I think they’re very beautiful, but I don’t usually find myself “checking out” women or wishing that I could have sex with particularly hot women (or men, for that matter! Maybe I have a low sex drive?). I’m not that interested in male bodies and can’t fathom the idea of actually having sex with a guy, although I do have fantasies about particular male characters I’ve read about. It seems to me that a lesbian wouldn’t have fantasize like that? IDK. Thoughts? Do you think I’m gay/straight/bi?
Don't feel like you have to put yourself under any label, but it sounds to me like you're probably gay. I too have never had a boyfriend, and I told myself that I just hadn't met the right one yet. But then I realized I'd met a ton of great women. I think your biggest clue would be wanting to get to know women more, while losing interest in men when you know them better. I totally know what you mean when you can't empathize with other for wanting to be with a man. I just can't imagine being in such a close relationship with a guy. I also find the sexual part confusing, but it may be just that personality is much more important to you so sex takes a backseat? You say that you look at women's bodies and find them beautiful. Are there particular features or particular women that you appreciate more than others? In my mind that would be a strong sign. For me, I can appreciate that both men and women have great bodies, but men's bodies just don't hold my attention the way that women's do. I have the same issue with the fantasy thing. But everyone has fantasies about all sorts of things that they likely wouldn't do in real life. And even if men are sexually attractive to you, an emotional connection is just as important. If you have yet to meet a man that makes you feel the way a fictional one does, then that just means you have a fantasy that happens to have a man in it. Good luck and try not to worry too much. Just live your life doing what feels right and you'll eventually find what's right for you. I would also recommend checking out Kaelyn and Lucy's YouTube channel, it's been very helpful for me.
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. There was one amusing incident for me during high school when my French teacher asked the class who we would rather have an emotionally intense conversation with. For me the answer was obvious: women, of course! Imagine my surprise when none of the other girls answered the same way. At first I thought I must have misunderstood the question, but after I realized I didn't, I questioned for a little bit. I did ultimately decide I must be straight after all because even though I couldn't see myself in a relationship with someone of any gender, seeing myself with a guy seemed marginally more plausible at the time. I didn't think about it much again until I developed a gigantic crush on a girl when I got to college. What you fantasize about is related only loosely to your orientation. There are lesbians some who have heterosexual fantasies and even some who have gay male fantasies. So you could still be a lesbian. It sounds like you're mostly uninterested in men while being interested in women, so lesbian would be a fair label. The sex part isn't that big of an issue. Many, maybe even most, people don't go around wanting to sleep with any attractive person they see. The sexual component usually follows then once some other sort of connection has been formed. What degree of connection is necessary varies from person to person, though if you require an emotionally intimate relationship (or think you might, if you don't feel comfortable saying you "know" you need one), then I would recommend researching demisexuality. If sex sounds uninteresting under any condition, it might be worth looking into asexuality and the closely related label gray-asexuality (demisexuality also fits in here). These do not conflict with being a lesbian.
Thanks so much for your responses. I really appreciate it. Yes, this is definitely true for me. I would much prefer to look at a woman's body than a man's. And yes, there are definitely particular feminine features and body types that I tend to prefer. Most of the girls I have had crushes on have had similar body types. Well, that's a relief to know. Thanks also for mentioning demisexuality. I've never really heard about it before, but it sounds interesting. I don't think I'm asexual...I would like to have sex with someone someday...but I will definitely look into demisexuality.
