Hello Empty Closets, I am 15 and live in the USA. I am currently going through a time where I just don't know anymore. I am publicly straight, but I don't know if I really am. My story: I was sexually molested by my eight year old cousin at the age of five and haven't told anyone about it until now. When he was with me he showed me what masturbation was and told me never to tell anyone about it but to do it a lot. So, that's what I did. I masturbated from the age of six until eleven years old. I didn't think of anything or what it meant, just that it felt good. It became apart of my routine. Then, three years ago I stated wanting more. At first I just looked at pictures of hot guys. Then it was naked pictures of men. Now, for two and a half years, it was gay porn. I tried watching straight porn but I didn't like it as much as gay. Now, I think about having sex with men. It's something I think about a lot. I don't want a relationship with a man (or at least not yet), I wan't a relationship with a female and get married to one. I just like the thought of sex with a guy better than with a woman. Now for my family. If I told my mom and dad about any of this, I don't know how they would react. They certainly wouldn't like it. Just the other day my mom said how it disgusts her to think about gay men having sex. My dad, oh, he was just go silent. All in all, I would probably loose my relationship with them and they would eventually accept it, but it would never be the same again. So I just don't know anymore. I need help. All this pressure, the pressure of people bullying me in elementary school because I was different, the pressure of a conservative family, the pressure of my routine, the pressure of my religion, the pressure of keeping it all a secret. It;s adding up, crushing me. I just wanna give up sometimes. I just don't know anymore.
