Where should I start? THIS IS SO LONG. I am sorry... I'm 19, always believed I was straight. Liked boys since I was a kid, had massive/small crushes on boys and had romantic fantasies/dreams about them, and definitely checked them out on the street. I got together with my boyfriend almost 2 years ago, I thought he was painfully cute and practically stalked him for a while to find out his name (nothing illegal haha!) and got together like a year after my crush started (I was lucky he liked me back, touchwood!) He has given me the happiest moments of....my life, probably. He was my first kiss, he used too much tongue and it was disgusting, haha. But I enjoyed the small kisses. Anyway, sex with him....I enjoy it, but...here's the scary part. I feel like I would enjoy it more with a woman. Sex with him does turn me on for the most part, and I can and have fantasized easily about him, but I'm scared it's just because of the feeling and not actually him that turns me on. Then again, I've had experiences with him that tell me otherwise (can you tell I'm confused yet? Haha) Sex with him stresses me out recently, because all I can think of is 'Would you enjoy this more with a woman?' and sometimes it has stopped me from climaxing. (am I allowed to say this here? )If I relax more, I get into it a lot more. The other problem is, I can look at a half naked, or naked men, and feel absolutely nothing, even maybe a little amused. Rock hard abs look like the underside of a turtle to me. They just do nothing for me. I do like the look of my boyfriend's back and butt, and I like his...you know (this is so embarrassing) but I am scared it is not a sexual thing, but only visual attraction. I do however, get excited about the thought of having sex with him (I'm worried this is because I have this idea this is what 'normal' couples do though?), and when he mentions it I blush and I do get turned on when he kisses me (unless it's too much insane tongue...he has a bit to learn :eusa_doh: ) and touches me, but I am afraid that it would be heightened arousal with a woman. Other than alll this above, he still gives me butterflies, I think he's the most beautiful person ever, but I feel like I'm not feeling the sexual feelings I should be. I think they were stronger at the start of the relationship but I can't remember properly. I've known since I was about 12 that I'm, or at least I think I am, sexually attracted to women, or at least their bodies. I think it stems from playing video games with over-sexualized women, because in real life, women do not turn me on. I can look at a butt or boobs and not feel anything. I sound like a creeper, I don't make a habit out of looking at strangers body parts hahaha. I can even look at naked women on say, google images, and not feel anything, in fact kinda feel a bit grossed out. And I can tell you now, I am pretty sure I do not like vaginas. But when I think about a woman's body....this is gunna be kind of explicit....I get this relaxed...feeling...down there? BUT, this also happens when I know I'm going to think of something sexual before I even start thinking about it. So, I'm not sure if it's a self-made kind of reaction or the real thing. Most of the time with this feeling, I feel absolutely nothing everywhere else in my body, but sometimes I get the 'that's hot' kind of feeling. The thought of sex with a woman turns me on sometimes, but other times I think 'That would be WEIRD.' and am sure that I would find the whole thing horrible. It's not like a burning desire to have sex with a girl either. I don't usually get crushes on girls, other than the odd girl crush when I was about 13, but I didn't have any sexual feelings for these girls. I don't seem to have any sexual feelings for anyone in particular (other than, hopefully, my boyfriend, and when thinking of sex with a woman, I don't really think of anyone in particular). I don't see either boys or girls in the street and think 'I would like to have sex with them' or even feel aroused. But when I think of having sex with a cute boy, I feel I would have sex with him, but only if I knew him first, and I'm scared to think any further. With girls, I feel like if I did end up having sex with one, I wouldn't have to know them and it would be a one night thing. I don't think I would even go there in the first place though....? I have however seen boys and got the floopy, swishy feeling in my tummy and thought 'He is CUTE'. However, since this insane confusion and anxiety, I have only had this for a few boys I've seen. Boys literally scare me now. I feel like I label them as 'just a boring guy' to save myself from the worry in case I don't find them attractive. I totally beat myself up if I don't find a typically attractive guy...attractive. Manly men scare me. I have also started 'testing myself', in the sense that whilst I would not look at girls in the street before, I have started to look and think 'Am I attracted to her??' and if she is pretty I feel totally nervous and anxious. I have never felt the flippy tummy feeling with looking at a girl before, but lately I have felt it is inevitable that I will fall for a girl. When I think of being in a relationship with a girl, it doesn't make me as happy as my boyfriend does, but sometimes I feel like it would. Other times, it feels totally strange and doesn't make me feel as complete as he does. Please forgive me if this offends, but I also have this romanticised view of same sex couples, so I think that maybe this adds to the feeling when I feel I would be happier in that kind of relationship. I have a very OCD personality, and I have been pretty much constantly looping all this in my head for months. It is driving me INSANE. I keep thinking up situations in my head, like dating a girl, in comparison with my boyfriend. I almost exclusively don't get butterflies when thinking about going out with a girl, but now I'm like...What if I want that? Subconsciously? Surely if I'm sexually attracted to women, I must be emotionally attracted too? What do I even feel any more? Are my emotions real? Is my attraction to women just a weird fetish??? I don't even know. I'm thinking that you're probably thinking 'Just be happy with your boyfriend', but I don't want to realize I'm gay when things are getting serious with him. I just want to love him the way he deserves to be loved. I'm scared that I'm not feeling love the way I'm supposed to, because of the sex not being as satisfying as I feel it would be with a woman. Can anyone give me insight? THANK YOU IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR!!!!!
