Hello, everyone! I'm so, so confused about my sexuality, which has never really been a subject of worry for me until now. Please help? For the past two to three years, I've identified as bi/pan. The thing is, I was mostly attracted to men and rarely worried about my identity. I was attracted to a gender queen friend, loads of guys, and the occasional girl. No biggie. I was attracted to my best female friend too, but I never really worried about it. I'd have the occasional drunken outburst of 'I like women', but I never really thought of what gender I was attracted to as being a huge part of my identity. I identified as straight for most of my life and didn't really question it. I lost my virginity not too long ago in a threesome. It was a weird situation and I honestly was just ready to be done with being a virgin. I wasn't really that into the whole thing, though I do remember being more attracted to the woman in the duo. She was just prettier than the guy, though...I found him to be really unattractive. So I don't think it was a gender thing. Now I'm dating again, but I find myself really, really wanting to date women specifically. I've been interested in different women in the past, even specifically listing my online dating profiles as being interested in women and not men. I've never felt this intensely about it before, though...even to the point of losing interest in most men I come across. I recently went on a date with a lady who I really wish I could explore this with, but unfortunately she's not as interested. I'm an anxious person by nature. I'm not the kind of person who can deal with not being worried about something, so I'm worried I've fabricated this interest in women somehow. I question the authenticity in it, you know? I'm worried that I'm interested in women because it'll make me more interesting/special/liberal/etc. (That would crush if that was the case.) I hate that thought. I know that I should just explore and all that, but not knowing my sexuality is overwhelming me! Additionally, I've on and off worried about my relationship with my best friend too. I know that the way I care for her is different than the way she cares for me. I know I'd like to kiss her and soothe her, buy her gifts, bolster her confidence, make her happy, etc. But I wonder if I just really intensely love her as a friend? I don't really feel like ripping her clothes off or anything, but I wonder if I'm just in denial about it. It's this weird grey zone for me. To be honest, I'm not sure that I've felt that much sexual attraction to people anyways. Not very intensely. When I fantasize, I rarely fantasize about myself or other people in my life--I mostly fantasize about fictional situations and people in kinky situations. As for being attracted to people, I've always been more attracted to peoples' quirks and interests more than their body. Personalities are what draw me in. Even my attraction to people has felt more like awe than like I want to rip their clothes off--like appreciating a beautiful work of art. I've maybe had two or three people I've seriously fantasized about--my best friend, who I ended up fantasizing about during phone sex with a guy--a genuine fantasy for me and not as a means to entertain him, a guy back in high school with a sharp mind and great hair, and my genderqueer friend whose confidence I always found attractive. I'll have sex with either gender, but I think it's more of a means to an end for me--I have sex for the experience and because a person fascinates me or I care about them, and it has less to do with me being mind-blowingly attracted to them. Maybe I just don't recognize attraction. Maybe it's milder than I expect it to be? I just don't know. I feel really, really disjointed from my sexuality. It's weird. :dry: How do I deal with this?
First off, I love the cartoon in the first post! :lol: More to the point: I can relate to this. When I was first confronting being bi, I spent a lot of time wondering if I was talking myself into it for similar reasons to what you listed - because it would make me more unique and "liberal" and maybe give me an excuse for my general quirkiness. Here's the thing: if you are sincerely attracted to both males and females at all, even in totally different proportions, you're allowed to call yourself "bi" (and it sounds like you definitely are). You don't have to like them both equally. Maybe you wouldn't mind fooling around with a guy, but you'd never want to marry one. Or maybe its that way for women. You still get to call yourself "bi," so there's no need to justify it any more than that. Knowing that, if you can have a fulfilling relationship or a satisfying sexual experience with a gender, its safe to say you find them attractive. You might not ever have an exact percentage that you can assign to each gender, explaining how attracted to them you are. Instead, try to eliminate that from your mind as a goal, and look for opportunities to connect romantically with people of any/all genders and see what you like!
Thanks for your responses, you all! I like the comic too. The art style is really charming, especially the first panel. I don't know if demisexual sounds right to me. For example, I went and got some gyros today, and I thought the girl at the cash register was really cute. I loved her smile and she had rad hair and I appreciated that and maybe would have chatted with her more if I wasn't feeling reserved. I don't know what kind of attraction this is. I'd be interested in getting to know her, but trying to think of myself sleeping with her just hits a mental wall. Don't know the person well enough. Not sure if it'd be different if it'd been a really cute guy. I've had moments where I've really been interested in sleeping with specific people I've known, but I find that it isn't as related to their physicality? It's like I'm more attracted to their personality and then I learn to appreciate some of their physical traits as a result. It's comforting to hear that you had similar fears, Jargon. I agree that it's a good idea to date people of different genders and just see how it goes. I just get nervous about the whole thing; I'm not sure how to approach the whole unsure about my sexuality aspect. My ultimate fear is that I'll date a woman, end up realizing I'm straight, and end up really upsetting her. I guess I just have to keep in mind that dating isn't a relationship. I have such a huge fear of being inauthentic. :eusa_doh: How did you handle your fears?
"I guess I just have to keep in mind that dating isn't a relationship." That does seem like a good start! Also, just be honest with the person that you're still in something of a questioning phase, and you won't have to worry about being inauthentic. For me, I went on a few dates with a gay guy who I'd come out as "questioning" to, and he was fine with it. We didn't do anything very serious, but just from being relaxed, hanging out as friends and eventually kissing and cuddling a little, that was enough for me to realize that being with a guy and being with a girl felt more or less the same for me. As for your "mental wall" with sexuality, I can certainly say that its hard for me to think of certain people sexually when I'm in an early stage of being attracted to them, or even dating. It's like at first I see them as a cute, awesome person, but I know that in our current relationship I wouldn't jump into sex yet, so I don't think of them sexually. If we actually start to have a romantic relationship, and we start getting to the point where I would feel comfortable with sex, then I might start having fantasies. I also do get attracted to random people, so I'm definitely not demisexual, but that's a pattern I've noticed with people I've liked/dated. I don't know if this gives you any insight into your own situation, but I hope it helps!
maybe we should be friends, how old are you? I lost basically my guy and girl virginity in threesome, but the other girl was my best friend who i happened to be crushing on. i feel very disjointed from my sexuality and its caused my relationships to suffer as a result. its tough! living in between the queer and non queer community, not knowing what you prefer, it can be stressful.
It sounds like you fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. You can appreciate people aesthetically or in other ways that do not have to do with being sexually attracted to them. You could also settle for being a grey-A. As for the other thing, you could definitely be Bi, but it is also okay to say that you are questioning if you genuinely do not know. It could take you a few more years to discover what you're real sexuality is. But when you do feel comfortable and sure of it you'll definitely know.
I'm Demisexual, and consider myself closer to being a lesbian than bisexual since I don't really have a strong interest in men except for as friends. I only realized how Demisexual I was after my first same sex relationship ended earlier this year, because it made me realize that anyone I liked, my attraction to them was based off of how long I knew them, and how much I had gotten to know them. I have to know a person before I'd consider a romantic relationship. If I don't know them and am feeling pushed or forced, I withdraw because I want it to be something I want and am comfortable with and I'm more comfortable if I have been around a person for a period of time and have gotten to know their quirks, versus a complete stranger.
Wow, parts of this sound amazingly like me. "I'm worried I've fabricated this interest in women somehow. I question the authenticity in it, you know? I'm worried that I'm interested in women because it'll make me more interesting/special/liberal/etc. (That would crush if that was the case.) I hate that thought." That is something I've never heard from anyone else, but is something that was constantly on my mind when I really started questioning myself, in about eighth grade. I kept thinking I *wanted* to be lesbian--for the same interesting-liberal-nonconformist angle--and was actually straight. And I really, really didn't want to be straight. Then I was pretty sure I'm not straight, but I had to go and think, "maybe I've TURNED myself lesbian/bi/something!!..." Aaaahhh. Anyway. When you say, "I mostly fantasize about fictional situations," I also can connect to that, because if I try coming up with fantasies, first of all it usually fails, and I never imagine myself with people I actually know. Dreaming is a different story, but... As i think it says in my profile-thing, I gave myself a very wordy label, involving demisexuality. You say you don't really think of yourself as demisexual; to me you sound somewhere between that mark and asexual. You have romantic/aesthetic attractions, but not so much sexual. I also think this way strongly; i have never had a sexual encounter so I am calling myself demisexual without really knowing if I would ever get to that point. Maybe you are flexibly less-sexual, if maybe not all the way to asexual. The last thing I have to say is I also recognize the "I wonder if I just really intensely love her as a friend? I don't really feel like ripping her clothes off or anything, but I wonder if I'm just in denial about it" bit. I have felt this way too, also in the past before I really thought about my sexuality. I have trouble sometimes telling the difference between strong friendship and romantic attraction. (No sexual component.) I think there is space between those designations, but you're right, it's a gray area. Lastly I had the idea that you can be romantically and sexually interested separately and without being "mind-blowingly attracted." Like sex for the sake of sex, not attraction, like you said. It sounds to me like you know the characteristics of what you are, but where you are happens to be a gray area. There's lots of room in there, though.
To be merely fascinated by someone and having a sexual relations, is some thing you should get out of. Sure you might care about them but, this should be no reason for you to find yourself in bed with them. Recognizing attraction was something i had challenges with when i was younger, i was in a similar situation to yours. I had a friend of mine i was attracted to and this was a point in time when i was a super horny kid. My attraction was a pure sexual drive and frankly i always tried to find a brother in the friends that i made. So that, just maybe, i could get some advise on puberty, my confusion regarding sexuality, anything that would be of help to me. Just so i could understand what was happening. My search for brotherly advice ended up making me get attracted to this friend of mine who was the same sex. The result of this was the extensive damage to our friendship. Believe it or not, but at that time i couldn't figure out if i was attracted to this guy. I asked myself the same questions you asked, do i care more than i should for this friend of mine? Sure you maybe attracted to someone due to there personality and even not have the sexual desire, but just admire them like a piece of art. All of the this... is what you call ATTRACTION. You might not know it yet (considering you'd only be thinking you like there personality) but, at one point or another you'll want to be in bed with them. When i was younger struggling to figure my sexual identity and trying to put a finger on what attraction was, it wasn't the easiest thing. I struggled with attraction because it was something that i couldn't accept, I could not face the fact that i could be attracted to the same sex. I felt it was impossible but... because i came to the decision to accept this attraction i was feeling, i no longer had a problem with attraction. To identify attraction is really tricky when you're a kid with crazy hormones. Maturing with time is the only way i was able to find a proper understanding of attraction (my attraction). I don't know how old you are but just give it time and you'll be able to identify how you are attracted to others. You spoke of not being sure of your attraction to your friend and this is something that i felt i could relate to. If you can, try reading one of my blogs, under the title: crushing on my friend- need help. I'm sure this is something that will let you have a better picture concerning your feelings towards your friend. (let me know if you do read it In regard to figuring out your sexuality, good luck. On this matter i'd say w're on the same boat. (Please NOTE that my contribution is of personal opinion and that i do not whatsoever, wish to offend anyone)
I've been confused about that before. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not as visual as everyone else. I'm more attracted to someone's voice or vibe than their appearance. I used to suspect I was asexual as well. I can get strongly attracted to a girl just because of her voice even if I don't care too much for her looks or personality. That really confused me.
