Does this mean I'm Bisexual?

Hello there! So this is my first post and time on this forum so I hope I can find the help and support I need.

Before I go into my question I'd like to give y'all a bit of background info as to who I am. I'm male, 23 and identify as gay.Ever since I was a kid I was different from other boys, I used to love playing with Barbie dolls, wearing dresses from time to time for fun, wearing my mom's shoes and I was also fascinated by makeup and such. I was effeminate enough to not fit in with boys but at the same time I wasn't really with girls either, I didn't feel like I belonged with them, I was just quirky and unique in my own right and never really felt like I was a boy nor did I feel like I was a girl, I was just different if you will. I was really shy too, extremely so, and so growing up I never really attempted to understand or question my sexuality, I was just too preoccupied by simple things in life ie; being a kid. In high school too I was never really bothered by the idea of dating or being in a relationship and to save face and cover up that I wasn't interested in anyone, I would pretend to be interested in girls just to get my friends would get off my back.

All that being said, there was one thing that remained consistent with me ever since I was a child, I always found myself being interested in and drawn towards men. I mean I can remember being really young and looking at my uncle's friends and other men and thinking they were "handsome" and even in high school, even though I never gave sex or dating too much thought, I admitted to myself that there were many guys I found to be really attractive.All this while though I would tell myself that I was straight, that I liked girls even though I never ever found myself being attracted to them ,physically or otherwise.

It wasn't until I graduated from high school that I finally "sexually awakened" if you will because I met my first crush and it was hardcore infatuation at first sight. I mean I was all over him, I just wanted him to be mine and being around him turned me on in more than one way. Sadly, he turned out to be a straight boy whom I realized I did not have any chance with so I finally gave up.

From there on wards, I eagerly tried to pursue other guys but I guess I was not emotionally or mentally ready to actually have anything happen, I just was too immature and came across too hasty to them and it put them off. Plus a lot of them were straight too, I have a bad history of falling for straight men but that's a story for another day. It was around this time that I readily accepted the idea that I was gay and honestly I accepted it without any fight, it seemed perfectly normal and wonderful to me. I for once felt like I belonged here in this world because being 21 and actually liking someone made me feel like every other person in the world, even if I started all this quite late.

Years went by since then and I guess I grew a tad bit out of my immaturity and stopped pursuing guys , I made this resoultion that I ought to work on my own insecurities and try loving myself first before I can deem myself ready to love someone else back. So with that out of the way, I still found myself being attracted to men, very much so. All the porn I saw was gay porn, very seldom straight porn and I was only focused on the man at ALL times. The celebs I crushed on were all men. When I watched romantic comedies, I would often picture myself in place of the girl and fantasize being in love with the male lead so basically I had no qualms about being gay whatsoever. I was only insecure about how others would treat me, that's basically what I was incredibly afraid of, people not loving me because I'm gay.

So now here comes the part related to my question, a couple of weeks back I was in the gay/lesbian section on Netflix, trying to find decent gay drama movies, I watch them because I'm trying to find characters to relate to, and I came across three movies that sort of affected me. Two had bisexual male characters and one had a gay character who has sexual relations with a woman, he identifies as a gay male but considers himself homo-flexible.

Now here's the thing, ever since I watched those movies, I have been extremely insecure about my sexuality. Just seeing those men so fluid in their sexuality, defying labels and norms, being with both men and women, turned me on so much but also upset me to a large extent. I was upset because here I am trying to reconcile with being gay and yearning to find someone or something to relate to and these movies show me the opposite, that it doesn't matter whatsoever. I felt like I was trying to fit in a clear cut box but these movies showed me that no box actually exists and that people can be free.So basically I was told that all those years of being depressed and feeling afraid that no one will accept me for being gay really was in vain because it's okay I could just end up with a girl and none of it mattered.

Ever since that, I seemed to be drawn to straight porn and now my attention seems to be focused on the female in the movies. The funny thing is that I'm not even attracted to the women or to women in general, just seeing female genitalia and them being pleasured by men turned me on a lot. It got to a point where I was constantly fighting in my own mind that I ought to focus only on men that now all my emotional and sexual energy for men seems to be fizzling out and attempting to get turned on is becoming so exhausting because I have to put so much energy into it. I still am not attracted to women in real life at all, I mean I can look at a girl and say she's "pretty" but I don't look at her body and feel any form of attraction or lust.

When I picture being in a relationship, I still picture it being with a man, I still yearn to be held in a guys arms and do everything that couples do but with a man. If I were to picture that with a girl, my mind goes to doing things gay guys would with them like talking about fashion or which guy is hot lol I am just concerned though that this physical turn on for me during porn may make me bi or attracted to someone in real life? I just don't feel like I'd make a good boyfriend in a straight relationship tbh, I'm just not cut out for it and dammit I want my man! lol I'm extremely sorry if this was long winded, I just wanted to really get everything onto the table and explain where I'm coming from. How do I possibly stop focusing so much on trying to be turned on by guys and just go back to being normal, being my gay self? I mean I don't want to have this constant battle in my head where I have to keep telling myself I'm gay, gay ,gay UGH:bang:

 

I just feel like what was the point of me being so depressed and worried for so many years then? Yeah if I do end up with a girl and I am happy, but I did miss out on so much all because I was afraid people of people finding out I was gay. I'm just a cynical person, extremely so, and I feel like everything feels like a big fat lie then :/ I just want to feel normal again, ie gay lol sorry I know I sound really argumentative

 

Its just extremely frustrating you know? To live your whole life feeling one way and then all of sudden to know that there is a possibility you could change into something you're not at all, something you're not comfortable with. Like I said, I'm not man enough to be a straight boyfriend, I just feel like I'll be a let down or that no girl would even want someone like me if I were indeed turn out to be bi. Its like this whole fear of possibly being different came out of nowhere, so sudden and so quick that its really plaguing my thoughts non stop and I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Maybe it really has to do with me being insecure with being gay that is being projected her as this irrational fear idk tbh. Sorry if I'm being whiny

 

I'm trying that but it keeps popping into my head non stop. I do have other insecurities and I over think a lot about everything and spend a lot of time by myself so I think that makes all this even worse, being left alone with my thoughts sucks :/ Thanks for understanding and taking time to respond, I looked everywhere for some comforting words and I really did not get it so thanks I appreciate your time