I'm sure this is the same kind of thing you hear over and over again on here, and I've looked, but I haven't found any threads that fit into exactly the way I feel about my sexuality. I know sexuality is a fluid thing, and I shouldn't feel the need to put a label on myself, but what society wants, society often gets. I keep bouncing back and forth between being a lesbian and being bisexual, but recent events have only confused me more, or solidified my sexuality, I'm not sure. I guess, in this case, a little bit of background information might be helpful. I'm 19 years old and arrived at college four months ago. Since I've been here, I've had very little trouble accepting who I am, because all of my friends are perfectly okay with it. I have several gay friends, but have only met one lesbian since I've been on campus. I'm starting to feel pretty isolated honestly. For the last four years, I've been best friends with a guy. For a large part of my high school years, I fancied myself in love with him. Now, its important for me to emphasize that I do love him, very much, but there is no physical attraction or even romantic attraction. I thought there was, but I think it is purely platonic. You see, earlier this week, he stayed with me over the weekend. We were drinking, and he and I always have a tendency to kiss when we're drunk. It's nice kissing him, but there is no desire or drive to do anything more. Because I live in a dorm, and bedspace is limited, this weekend he slept in my bed with me. We were laying in bed, kissing, and he did something that was so completely unexpected, I didn't know what to do. He put my hand down his pants. It's the first time I've ever touched a penis, and as of right now, I think it might be the last time. I felt physically sick when it happened. It's not like I hadn't wondered what it would be like, but my reaction was nothing like I expected. I was so upset I spent the next forty minutes outside in the hallway crying. I threw up in the bathroom. It felt like my whole world had fallen apart. I've had sexual dreams about girls, but never guys. When I see a goodlooking guy I think "He's pretty." When I see a hot girl... well my thoughts go completely inappropriate places. Women are so much more desirable than men to me. That being said, I guess all signs point to being gay. But I still have so much doubt. I'm kind of worried that maybe I doubt myself so much because I know how my parents will react when they find out. I think they would accept it more if they thought there was a chance I might marry a guy. I don't know. Whenever I go home from college... I'm living a lie. And thats not the way I want to live, so I don't go home. Talking to my mom is one of the scariest things I can imagine. Any advice on my sexuality? Any words of comfort about how to tell my mom? Any comments on my reactions? :help: :bang:
No one replied to this! Sad. Here's the thing: only YOU know you, and if you know you aren't attracted to guys, then no one is allowed to say otherwise. If you think you may be attracted to both genders, then no one is allowed to say otherwise. It sounds like your situation was nauseating in that you were surprised and upset by his making such a sudden and inappropriate step forward. It is possible that you didn't like touching the penis because the situation was unpleasant. It is also possible that you simply don't want to touch a penis because you're a lesbian. Either way, there is nothing wrong with disliking the feeling. If you think you are gay, you are perfectly entitled to recognize what lives inside of you. There is nothing wrong with coming out to yourself or others. It's frightening, of course, for many people - but you are still allowed to know who you are. As a lesbian, I can tell you that I have always been upset by the idea of touching a man. I hate kissing them. I did try and push myself through the physical standards of heterosexual relationships in the hopes that my own sexuality would thus be altered, but of course the endeavor was ineffective. Do you think you're a lesbian? Do you still not know? Both of those are okay. You will figure it out.
