I'm a little nervous now so I'll just say what's going on... I'm gonna write it all out, cuz it's been torturing me and I need advice or at least some support. I'm 20 and hadn't had any type of male-to-male interaction until mid 2013. In fact, no one knows that I like men. So.... July.... Started talking to this guy on ******, he was ripped and good-looking and a few years older than me. We talked briefly at first and I thought he'd only wanna have any sort of conversation with someone like him, ripped and athletic-looking (see that insecurity of mine there)... so we kept talking for a week untill he insisted he'd wanna meet me. I was super nervous, I didn't know what to do but I was ready for whatever, even casual sex. I remember that on that night I thought to myself: "If I die tomorrow I won't have experienced this" I picked him up on his house and we talked for a bit, then we stopped the car and we started kissing... the rest is history... we went all the way. Well, after it was all over, I was feeling like a strong man, who had done something only adults would do. Didn't take long though, until I started to freak out because I'd performed oral sex on him without any protection. I decided to go into the hospital just to tell the doctor what I did and see if he would calm me down and say I'd probably be fine. The opposite happened, he told me I needed to go to this clinic specialized in STDs and I did, in the following morning. I didn't only go completely secretive to the clinic (lied to my parents where I'd gone) but I also had to do a 28 day Hiv Prophylaxis (basically take HIV meds for an entire month) and take a lot of shots and that kind of stuff... As you can imagine, that month was a complete hell. Sometimes I'd think to just tell my parents as the side effects of the meds + the psychological "weight" of having to take Hiv pills made me feel absolutely miserable. I didn't tell anyone one about this, and I felt like I'd never talk to any other guy, for casual sex at least, I wouldn't. The same guy I'd hooked up with, in fact, contacted me a few other times and said he wanted to hang out. I declined every invitation. I couldn't believe what I'd done to myself.... So time went on, and I started to get over it. and October came.... And there goes myself again, just look around on ******. I started talking to a guy and right away it seemed like we had matching interests and would have a lot in common. Unlike the other one I had an experience with, this one would having something else to offer. We talked every day on the phone for about two hours every day. Those conversations included incredibly personal stuff, insecurities and even "naughty" stuff, which I think I did go too far. I told him I wasn't a pervert and wouldn't wanna have sex, because I'd rather do it with someone "worthy". He understood and said: "Ok, no expectations, let's just go for a few drinks tomorrow and we'll see what happens, and don't be thinking that if it all happens, I will think you are a bad person because of it" As someone who's apparently taking decisions based on: "What if I die tomorrow" I did go for a drinks with him and we flirted way too much in the car, which got both of us aroused. Again, we did go all the way.... At the end of the night, when he dropped me off he said: "We'll communicate" and that's when I thought: I'm just another one. I mean, "communicate" He barely kissed me good night and I went home... a week went on... and we would still talk here and there, but nothing compared to that 'great friendship talk' I thought I had found... So I asked if he wanted to go out for ice cream, and we did, just talked, and that was it. He seemed like he wanted to remain only friends and I've seen him on ****** a few times since then (I'm sure he's already done it with other dudes since me) and every time I see his picture on ******, it hurts me to know that I let that happen again, I feel partially used physically, because If didn't wanna have sex, I wouldn't have dont it. I feel emotionally used, because I shared so many things about me that I didn't think I'd share with someone that easily... He does seem to be a genuinely nice guy and I feel like I need to at least be friends with him, since we seemed to have so many things in common, and we had pretty good convos. So basically, I'm learning that I wasn't 'made' to go around and having casual sex with men, because I get attached to easily, apparently, and I give in too easily... And I also don't know what to do with this 'friendship'. For example, when I text him, he replies very enthusiastically but our conversations don't seem to go too far these days.. I also don't want just cut contact with someone I had a super intimate moment with, It would go against my personality, I would say. Plus, I feel sad and jealous just to think that he might be spending this friday night with some other guy he met on ******.... I feel like I'm having a hard time letting go of those memories (itimate moments) and for someone who's not used to having casual sex, I did get attached in ways. I've been catching myself thinking about this guy more than I should, when I just want to forget the intimate moment we had and move on to a friendship, since I wouldn't be able to just cut him off my life like that. It would go against my personality to do that. I do believe that we learn from mistakes and from people, I wouldn't call these two experiences "mistakes" because when one doesn't want to to something, two don't do it. I also believe that guy number 2 could introduce me to more of his friends of the 'gay community' or whatever, since some people know about him. Also, one of my biggest fears is becoming one of those guys on ****** that just go around having casual sex with whoever just for the hell of it. I am the type who wants to build a family and live a life with a routine in the future. Yet, I feel like I could be wasting my time not exploring more... I just don't want to get attached again.... and there's too many thoughts going on here... I'd really appreciate some other's personal experiences that are similar or what not and some thoughts on my concerns and insecurities as well...
Hi, and welcome. First, don't blame yourself. There are plenty of people your age who have done similar things. The good news is... you recognize it as a problem, and you (hopefully) want to keep yourself safe and STI-free, while a lot of people in your situation just go out and have random hookups, don't use protection, and end up with HIV, hepatitis, and more. Second, I think the most basic thing here is to look at the problem. You're looking for meaningful connections on a mobile app that is almost exclusively for hookups. I know a *lot* of people that have used said app. I don't know anyone that's had success finding a meaningful relationship on it. So given what you've said about what you're after, my first suggestion is to just delete the app (and any others like it) from your phone completely. The second issue here is to look at your behaviors, and the feelings behind them. A big part of the issue is that you're closeted. And being closeted means you're ashamed of who you are. That's (unfortunately) a normal part of coming to terms with being gay. Shame is the deeply held belief that we're not worthy of love and belonging, and so, when we are in shame, we act out in ways to try and make ourselves feel worthy. Going out and hooking up with guys is the drug or "fix" for feeling unworthy, because for the short time we're with that person, having sex, we feel wanted and loved and needed... but the problem is, once he's gone... the shame comes back, only now it's worse because we've just further proved to ourselves that we're not really worthy of being loveable... otherwise, the guy would want to be with us. The app you were on is populated almost entirely by people in that sort of shame, and, ironically, it is the shame that makes them act out, but it is also the shame that makes them feel like they aren't worthy... which is why they don't want a relationship... because deep down, they don't believe they deserve it. So the solution is twofold: 1. As I said above, dump the app and any others like it (includes dating and hookup sites.) 2. Spend some time working on yourself. The first and most important part is learning to love yourself as a gay man, and coming out to others. While you're alone, you're in shame. The sooner you come out, and have people around you who support you, the sooner you have a group of people around you that you really belong to... and that heals the shame. You probably also will need to work on the self-esteem to get to a place where you acre comfortable owning your own body, setting healthy boundaries, and realizing that you don't have to give in and have sex with any guy who shows the slightest interest... because you deserve better. 3. Once you've done some of your self-work, put some energy into finding healthier places to meet other guys. If you have a local LGBT center, that's a good place to start. The LGBT group at your local college. Check Meetup to see if there are hiking groups, book clubs, game nights, (or whatever else your interests might be) for gay guys around your age. You'll have a lot better luck meeting someone over a common interest and getting to know them a bit than looking for someone on a hookup a. Hope the above is helpful!
Thank you so much for your insight! I feel much better now that someone else is saying all the truths about what a casual hook up and what most of those guys on that app are after... I'll try to keep myself away from it. Unfortunately I don't think I'm coming out anytime soon, for personal reasons... As you said, I'm going to focus on myself, get things figured out before I can take a step further. On the meantime, however, I'm going to try and see a healthy way to fill the void of not having someone to be with. Maybe I should start putting myself first, and stop thinking about these guys I've been with, who represented only an incredibly small part of my life. It's a good time to put my head up and start feeling worthy for the great person I know I am. Also, would you think I should keep in touch with guy number 2 (just as friends)? he does seem to genuinely be a nice person (excluding the fact he's the type who enjoys casual hook ups) we did share a lot of personal things and he seemed to care to a certain extent... I just don't know if I'll be jealous of him or whatever, I guess I'll see how it goes... But either way he's a second plan, I'm the first plan here... Can't keep beating myself up for what I did. Thanks again mate!
You should be commended on your bravery first and foremost. You've done a lot of things that are crazy and had experiences I am sorry to say left you in a bad place. But this is what a lot of gay guys experience in the beginning. It can be very hard to know what we want the moment we set out the door. And a lot of things look pretty bad the next morning. But nothing is ever as bad as it seems. And this too shall pass, in time. Don't completely go with Chip on this one, he has a lot of good advice but he's making an unfair equivocation between being in the closet and being ashamed. The only person you HAVE to come out to is YOU. Coming out is NOT about telling people. It's about bringing your outward behaviour more in line with your nature. If your nature is to tell people everything about you, that's fine. But if your nature is your business and nobody else's, that's fine too. You don't have to change to be gay. All you have to do is come to terms with who you are. This part of your nature is inclined to make you happy. So respect it, explore it, and get to know it. Confidence comes from within. Sometimes a first date includes a sexual experience. Don't let the fact that you're human and ruled by hormones blunt your drive to find happiness in life. Nobody strikes gold on their first try. And NOBODY is perfectly proud of themselves on their first try either. Chip also discounts the principle factor in why dating sites contain plenty of really wonderful guys. Some guys are there for sex, yes, it's true, they are human beings after all. But I wasn't. Neither was my boyfriend. Neither were my mom and her boyfriend of 6 years. None of the guys I went on dates with from the site I used were there looking for sex. The truth is that a great many of the users are there for the exact same reason as you. They don't want to go to oversexed bars full of slutty men, they don't know where to meet people with the same interests, and they're, like you and me, part of an invisible minority and they like the idea that dating sites and apps make it a moot point by only showing you people who are also part of that invisible minority. Dating sites are entirely in your hands to produce results. You're just contending with the fact that prospects don't always catch fire on the first strike. Have respect for yourself, you've been brave enough to put yourself out there, and you were brave enough to come here and talk about it. We're listening and eagerly awaiting news of the next path in your adventure.
I can't thank you enough for sharing your own experiences, which made it a little more personal and consequently very relatable. I did post this when I was feeling really sorry and bad for myself, but after feeling like I've been getting support and understanding from other people like you two, makes it a hundred times easier on me. I guess that coming out of your comfort zone, like I did, by exploring an "unknown territory" causes impacts on someone's life, like it caused on mine, which hopefully will make me a stronger man in the future. And now I definitely don't feel like I'm alone. Again, I'm just glad I was able to share my personal experiences and recieve nothing but opinions that made a difference! You guys are awesome.
