Lately I've been feeling too straight to say I'm bi, but still a little less than straight. I was thinking about some childhood feelings I had, and I was just wondering what you think. In my childhood I thought most of these feelings were normal, and I think they sound pretty normal, but maybe what they mean is a different story when you take into account my teen years? For those who haven't read any of my past threads, here's just a lil background. When I was a kid I liked boys, but then when I was around 14 I started being attracted to women and not men. It was more than just curiosity and I had some real feelings for girls and this lasted until around when I turned 19. During those years I was in an all girls school, I really liked the atmosphere and being around girls. I could just see myself with a girl and not a man, and I really thought that I was probably gay, coming into college I was expecting to actually come out maybe if I met someone or joined an LGBT group to give it more time, even though I thought time wouldn't change anything. I had always still looked at guys, but that was out of denial and "testing" myself and trying to find them hot, so I thought I'd try stop when I got to college. Anyway, in college I started liking men, and I just felt neutral towards women. I think a girl in college liked me, but I didn't feel much for her, but seeing as I always wanted a girlfriend I think I pressured myself the same way I'd pressure myself to like men, with forced checking them out and stuff. Which brings me to now. But I always say that I started liking women at 14, but it was actually before that, I just didn't realize because I liked boys more. I'm not sure if my childhood feelings were just admiration, or if they could mean something in relation to the above paragraph. Every so often I would think a girl was just so cool, and they were usually older, which is normal. The girl who pierced my ears when I was 8, I can't explain it, I thought she was just amazing because of how nice she was, and I was quite smitten and wrote her name with a heart around it in my diary. Then when I was 11 there was a girl at camp, I remember saying to my friends "I really really like her" and I did, and that was the only time that I actually questioned my feelings and thought maybe they were kind of non-hetero. I remember her so well, she stuck in my brain. My friends said she seemed full of herself and I couldn't even comprehend, I got nervous and excited when she was around, and I thought she was attractive. Another thing is, I remember I used to go to school plays put on by my all girls secondary school, before I even went to school there, and sometimes I thought the girls on stage were really attractive. I just didn't think anything of it because I liked boys, or thought I did. When I was 11 I made a new best friend, and we would call each other everyday and just talk about nothing, and openly tell each other "you're the only reason I come to school", one time she kissed me and then got embarrassed. I used to have inappropriate thoughts about her, I couldn't control them, they'd always just come to mind. I knew I loved her a lot but I don't know if I was just misunderstanding my own feelings. I never had a crush on any other girl from my primary school. Either these feelings are normal, or maybe I was attracted to both but preferred boys so I ignored my attraction for girls? The thing about it is, whenever I see a guy who I used to have a crush on, it's not that I still like them, but they'll never be the same to me. But when I see a girl who I used to like I kind of don't even think about it, and its kind of irrelevant. Even though I had crushes on girls I never had very strong feelings like I had for boys. However, the first time I actually felt wanted was when a girl liked me, with girls I felt like I could be happy. That's also a reason why I really thought I was gay. With guys I feel like it will always be a love-hate relationship, even if my feelings are more memorable. With women, the thought of touching and kissing and actually being loved by a girl was like heaven, but with guys I feel kind of nervous and not as warm, and I still do.
